Do I keep nagging, or leave her to it?

[Ricardothesnowman]

Dd is 18 and going in to her 2nd year at uni. She lived at home for her 1st year, but will be moving in to a flat share at the start of term.

I have tried to explain budgeting to her till I'm blue in the face. I know she will need to get a job, but she just won't engage with me.

She just keeps rolling her eyes and ignoring everything I say. I think she thinks her loan is so much that she can't comprehend that it won't stretch far.

I had a quick calculation and I think her loan will cover rent and utilities and that's probably about it.
If she actually wants broadband, tv license, fun money and, oh yes, that useful thing called food, she needs a job.

I just want to show her a rough budget to make her understand that £3k a term isn't that much if rent is £500 a month.

Aibu to keep nagging her, or should I back off and let her make her own mistakes? Not being able to afford food is a rather big mistake to let her make.

Is there a slightly older relative, such as a cousin, who you could get to talk to your DD about this? At that age she's more likely to listen to someone who has very recently been through the uni experience.

You can only try so much, and then you need to let her fall on her arse. The "I told you so" can be left unsaid, but she'll still know it.

Maybe ask DD to do her own budget plan to see if she comes to the same shortfall conclusion as you. Could also try for her to do a weekly food shop and meal plan so she sees how far, or not so far, money goes these days when food shopping.

Hope you've not signed up as guarantor for that flat or you'll be paying her rent whilst she's off having fun with the 3 grand.

(This is what someone I knew did, practically bankrupted her parents and the little princess didn't care)

Tempting to leave her to it but unless you can afford to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart I would keep trying. Maybe start by taking her food shopping with you, get her to fill a basket with what she would want to eat for a week and let her see what it costs. Ask her how much she has budgeted for food. My 19yo DD is second year Uni and lives at home but has a job as she knows we can’t hand out to her every time she walks out the door. Good luck!

Stop nagging. You know that's not working anyway.

You have to let her make her own mistakes.

I would leave her to it

Aren't you topping up her loam? A full loan should pay for more than rent?

Tell her if she doesn't get a job, there is no way you can be guarantor for her house, due to the financial risk for yourself. And follow through.

I’d leave her to it. You’ve tried to speak to her, she won’t listen.

will you be contributing too or does she get full loan? The student loans don’t go too far as rents are often expensive.

Leave her to it. And if she comes to you for money? Keep a spreadsheet of when and what it was for.

Thanks for the replys.
I have signed the guarantor forms now, I know ahead will have enough for rent.

I think I'll take her shopping with me, as a pp suggested, it might help her see it as real.

I won't be topping up her finances on any significant level. I'm a single mum with a disabled ds, I woke full time in a low paid industry.

Not sure if her DF will help her, I'll talk to him about his intentions. I know she won't ask him for help, but she would accept if he offered.

I had this with my DD. Left her to it. She managed without a job and never asked me for a penny. Also managed to save a deposit for rental while there. Luckily she's thrifty. I didn't think it was possible. Leave her to it I say they soon learn

This might be a silly idea, but if she's really bad with money can you give her a prepaid debit card and hold back part of the loan for a monthly allowance? This may have been more useful when she was younger to help teach her the value of money, but you are where you are now.

Also be clear what the limits of your handouts/help will be in the future.

I like the suggestion of having someone else (a friend or relative) who is closer to her age and has recently been living away for uni, talk to her about the realities of living on your own the first time.

Any chance she could live in student accommodations that include a meal plan? I lived in the dorms for my first 2 years, and I had access to the campus cafeterias and the majority of my meals paid for in my room/meal plan. It was a good way to ease into life away from home.

At some point she will have to figure it out for herself, and painful as it is, you will need to let her make mistakes and deal with the consequences for herself. Good luck!

I have signed the guarantor forms now, I know ahead will have enough for rent.

Ah does she think this means you're just paying for it then?

No, she understands what it means.

I habe tried to teach her about the value of money, but she just hasn't needed much money until now, so its all been theoretical and not practical.

She's a quiet girl, rarely goes out, buys clothes etc. She just hasn't needed money for anything.

I have her an allowance when she was at school. It covered lunches and she could keep whatever was left. She just used most if it to buy lunch, and the remainder to buy lunch for her friends if they forgot their money.

I think it's the scale of the money that she I struggling to comprehend.

She's gone from about £30 a month to £10,000 a year and the number just seems so large she feels as if its a fortune.

Can you persuade her, at least, to split the loan into 12 equal monthly pots. She has £833 a month.

I felt like a millionaire when I first started working. That feeling lasted until the end of the first month. It was then that reality finally dawned on me. 😀

I think you're expecting a bit much from her if she's never had to deal with a large budget before. Has she ever had a job?

I think you would be better asking her to give you the loan, you pay her rent on her behalf and you give her a monthly allowance based on what's leftover. She will still learn her lesson but won't financially ruin you both in the process.

OP if she thinks £10,000 "is a fortune" you should point out that the average wage in the UK is three times that amount at around £31k, and that 10k is also far below the salary for a full time minimum wage job which would be £19,760 PA.

The sensible thing for her to do would be for her to work out how much bills etc will come to per month and keep that in her main account. She then needs a separate bank account (Revolute is good for this) which she has a monthly transfer set up from her main account. The second account is her monthly available income for food, going out etc. She would then never take the debit card for her main bill account out with her, only the card for her second spending account.

It's how I have managed to not overspend while I have been on maternity pay, which I'd far less than my normal salary. If she is spending from her main account it's a recipe for losing track and going into an overdraft.

How does she pay her rent, is it monthly or termly? Are bills and broadband included? Dd pays her student accommodation termly in advance so rent is taken straight away when her loan comes in, all bills are included (and she doesn’t have a tv so no tv license). She then has plenty left to spend on food and fun, she doesn’t get the full loan amount. I don’t top up but she’s home now for the holiday and has no living expenses so her loan only really covers term time.
Leave her to it, she’ll work it out, especially if she’s sharing with friends who have already done a year of living away from home.

Nagging isn’t going to help. She’ll just dig her heels in further.

Just leave her to it.

Split opinions here, some saying help her, some saying let her work it out.

I think I'll offer once more to help her write a rough budget, then have to leave her to it.
The flat is rented for 11 months, rent payable monthly. She won't be at home until the summer holiday, but perhaps not even then, if she decides to stay there or get another place.

I think at a minimum you can tell her she needs to split out what she needs for rent since you have a financial stake in it. I would go as far as saying that money is put in a separate account that you have access to.

As for the rest, that is what you let her figure out on her own. There is a school of thought that says if you are going to fail financially do it young when the stakes are low. It’s a good way to learn the hard lessons about budgets and planning.

She won’t die if she eats crappy food for awhile or has the odd utility shut off. Those are the things that you remember. But you could be really screwed if she doesn’t pay the rent. That is where you step in with more oversight.