It's hit my today that I'm a complete mug and a massive loser.
I split from my ex about 2 years ago and he still lives with me. I left my job because he refused to carry on the arrangement we had when together (he worked weekends) I work week days and due to me not being happy with the standard of care (emotional and general stimulation mostly) DC were receiving at the time. He has improved on this front as they have got older, maybe due to my input, or maybe because something has clicked finally.
Anyway I'm on UC and this was initially a joint claim as we temporarily got back together after splitting due to false promises (I'll take you out more, I won't give you silent treatment, I'll treat you like a human being, we'll be a proper family and do nice things too) as well as guilt tripping and making himself homeless in another city, refusing to find anyone to stay with and saying I'm an awful person for splitting the family up and not even giving it one more go (despite me pointing out that things needed to change months before we split). The final nail was threatening to harm himself in which I made the decision to let him live with me temporarily until he got help for his mental health and found his own place. After a few weeks I decided to give it another go but soon realised my mistake when he went into sulks and I found myself on edge and having panic attacks whenever I thought I'd done something wrong to cause a sulk, I also felt hugely angry and resentful that he'd not gone go the doctors about his mental health and instantly seemed to be in a much better place as soon as he moved back in. So I ended it shortly after but not before setting up a joint Universal Credit claim.
I tried to separate the claim so it is just me and all I get back from them is change your circumstances stances but I cannot as he still lives here. He now works full time and due to this there on reductions on the payment I receive which obviously is needed to cover rent, electricity, water, gas, food (for me and kids) council tax. I see single parent ex school mates splitting with exes (no abuse) and getting rehomed months later.Yet I just get ignored and told I've got no chance.
He went 8 months without paying any rent and said it was because he has debt to pay off. Then it was because he needed money for a break away with kids and his family. He's paid 50% of the rent 2 or 3 times in a year. No contributions towards other bills. He buys the kids food when he has them (he is main parent at the weekend as if he was not living with me) but I buy midweek food and he occasionally chips in with bits and bobs for them. I buy most toiletries and all cleaning products. Any clothes he buys them can only be worn on days he has them. Yet he is happy to raid the clothes I buy for them (not an issue for me as long as they are dressed suitably).
I've been bidding on social housing for a while now and was getting nowhere so I asked outright what my chances are and they said its unlikely, despite telling them my ex lives in my living room and shouts at me calling me vulgar names when we have a disagreement.
I've looked at private but I'm unlikely to get anything due to being on benefits and he says he can't afford anywhere despite having no real financial responsibility apart from a catalogue payment and credit card and bog standard car finance. So living in a house I can't afford. Can't use my living room in the evening as that's where ex sleeps, housework my job (house not looking good now because I can't even motivate myself to do it, I'll do the dishes and general upkeep but the play room is treacherous), bills my responsibility, money reduced due to ex bringing his own money with a full time job. Yet if I had social housing I'd move near my support network, have childcare on tap for school pick ups or drop off if working hours required it. I pay a lot more rent than social housing yet I see people living in them driving 2 or 3 expensive cars and completely refurbishing them with marble flooring and landscape gardening.
I'm at the bottom of the pile in life and I don't think I'm ever getting anywhere else. I'm going to be stuck with ex forever ( there has been no rekindling or flings since we split up) and its mutual on both sides I'm not interested and he says he hates me and calls me a b-tch etc if we are having a disagreement.
I don't really want to wake up tomorrow but I have responsibilities and I keep fantasising about jumping out of my window despite it not being high enough do anything apart from break a few bones. I'm struggling with being snappy too and people are noticing, it's not fair I know that but I'm so empty at the minute.
Anyway Aibu to think I'm a mug?
Or am I definitely a mug?
Either way I've brought it upon myself.
I've really messed up by getting married and letting myself think somebody could be capable of caring and loving me enough to be a successful couple. I don't want another relationship because I honestly couldn't trust anyone enough to treat me well. All I want is my own space and freedom and not to live with someone who brings back memories of a very lonely time when I was subject to extreme silent treatment, stonewalling and gaslighting enough to make me doubt every decision I was making at the time.