Erectile Dysfunction, No Sex and Porn Use

[Childbeinganiggtmare]

AIBU in asking for any mens opinions on here please?. All open opinions welcome of course, seeking a man’s perspective particularly.

Been with hubby ten years, have a child together. We didn’t have sex for the first 2/3 years, always a different excuse until he finally admitted to having ED.

He has a low sex drive but seeks out porn instead of having anything to do with me sexually. I make the moves every time to generally be given another excuse. It’s crippling me now. I have a high sex drive but could coke if we actually had sex, 4 months in still nothing.

Im beyond frustrated, exhausted and frankly pissed off now. Is there anything I can do or will I never turn him on?

We didn’t have sex for the first 2/3 years

Has there ever been a bigger red flag? I'm sorry op, but what you see is what you get. You knew from the start that this man has really serious issues, and that will never be changing.

Your two choices are to stay in this marriage and become more miserable and resentful by the day, or you end it and find a compatible partner.

I think seeking porn over sex has caused the ED - over time he's become numb to 'normal', in-person sex and so can't get hard for it. You're living with an addict and are suffering the consequences and heartbreak of an addicts relative. I'd leave, you deserve more than this! You deserve sex!

Leave and find someone who you have a compatible sex drive with.

Trouble is although someone is waving the damn flag about you don’t always see it until it’s too late. In the beginning he was very keen to please in other ways, so it wasn’t so much of an issue there wasn’t full sex.

Thanks. I think you’re right, it’s not even about the act of sex, but wanting to feel special, wanted, hugs, just bloody affection really. It batters your confidence so you think you’ll never turn a man on again

What happened then is irrelevant, you know the truth now. This marriage is doomed so save yourself from wasting even more of your life in a relationship that doesn't work.

It seems like your husband is struggling with his ED and rather than deal with it properly, sorts himself out by looking at porn. This is probably because he is embarrassed by his inability to perform, but this just leads to frustration for you and will quite possibly lead to resentment. I would find it difficult to discuss ED with my wife if it was happening to me even though we would both be aware of it! However that doesn't mean I wouldn't discuss it and also try and do something about it. There are many treatments available without ever having to sit and discuss this face to face with a GP or any other medical professional if it's embarrassment holding him back. There are many reputable online resources he could use. You ask what you can do to turn him on, but I don't think this is about what you can or can't do. This is about him burying his head and not dealing with the ED. You can try speaking to him and letting him know exactly how much of an impact his constant rejection is having on you. That might just be enough for him to seek treatment

@MasterofPuppets thank you for such an honest reply. It may not seem so as the way I’ve written it, but honestly, the rare time we have sex or try to, and it doesn’t happen, I say don’t worry, it doesn’t matter etc. And it didn’t, when he was making an effort, but now 4 months later and nothing yet I know he’s watched porn. I’ve tried to talk to him about ED, counselling (for us both) or just him, medication etc but he’s just not interested, just shuts down. I’m at the seriously fed up, going to leave stage. I wouldn’t care that we didn’t have sex if he wasn’t constantly checking other women out when we’re out or he wasn’t seeking them out via porn. I’m seriously thinking it’s me

I really don't think that being told that "it didn't matter" or "not to worry" would help me in that situation if I'm honest, but this isn't about what you are doing. This is all on him. This is him burying his head in the sand. This is him not dealing with the situation. Is this all down to ED or is there something else going on? Does he know how close you are to leaving and would he care if you did? Something has to change and that has to come from him. Only he can deal with the ED, but he can do that with support from you if that's what he wants or he can do it on his own, but it's his problem to sort. He needs to face up to the fact that by rejecting you whilst looking at porn or other women is extremely damaging to your relationship and your esteem. If he's not willing to do that for you then he I'd say you'd be better to cut your losses. Why stay with someone who won't put any effort in to making you happy?

Thanks. I’m certain it is ED. He knows how close I am to leaving and just doesn’t seem bothered by it. After being rejected again I think that’s the end .

Has he tried viagra? Has he tried anything to try and fix this? I can understand his embarrassment (my dh has been through similar and I can see how difficult it is for him to discuss it) but if it's getting to the point where you're just not having sex and you're thinking of leaving, you'd think he'd really pull his finger out to sort it.

Sometimes compromises have to be made. I have had to compromise with my dh. But he has also taken steps and made an effort to improve things too. I couldn't cope with someone who was just totally unphased by my feelings. That's the real issue here.

Life it too short, go find someone who makes you feel desired.

He won’t even discuss any sort of help. It’s so painful. He’s a closed book man, any problems, bury head. In my head I’m gone, just need my heart to catch up and soon.

Sorry to be blunt but what kind of porn is he watching? I wonder if he's got a fetish you can't meet.

He won't change if he can't admit the problem is with him. And you don't deserve this

He won’t discuss it because he doesn’t want to give up porn. Porn use (in excess) is a known cause of ED. Sorry OP, it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to give you what you need.

There is absolutely no way on God's green earth I would be with a man who checked out other women in front of me and then rejected me. Not a fucking chance. Leave and find yourself a man who literally fancies the pants off you.