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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Judgy Mil (yes I know) and holiday

22 replies

LH14 · 25/07/2022 18:57

So...on holiday at the moment and MIL is staying in her apartment on the same complex. We chose to come here as haven't been here for 4 years, we all like coming to this area and the complex is really good for kids. My MIL wouldn't ordinarily come this time of year as its too hot and busy but she wanted to spend time with the kids (and her son!). But OMG she is driving me nuts. For context, I work full time in a high pressure, stressful job, and have limited time off (as most of us do) so we are here for 2 weeks. My MIL (and late FIL) were self employed so used to come here for weeks on end and my SIL is a SAHM with a well paid OH so they used to come for the whole summer (and stay in my MIL flat for free...we could but it isn't air conditioned and is unbearable, we've offered to pay to put it in and have it in a very unobtrusive area so you couldn't even notice it but she refuses to let us, even though it means we end up paying twice as much to stay somewhere else round the corner, but that's a whole other AIBU!). We are staying self catering so we can have a leisurely breakfast, I make a simple lunch of picky bits and salad, and then we go out for dinner every night.

Anyway, my MIL has refused to come for dinner with us for the last few nights, the first reason was because the kids were messing around and I got annoyed (who doesn't) so she didn't want to come as I seemed upset. I mean, an extra pair of hands or someone to entertain the kids would have been more useful than staying in and sulking (BTW, I didn't get annoyed at her, just told the kids off as a parent usually does but she is a total narcissist and everything has to be about her so...). Then she suggested we should spend a few nights in and I can make dinner. I told her no way, I like to get out and relax in the evening. The latest one is she doesn't want to come out as she doesn't think we should be spending money eating out every night. She is getting right up my nose. I work ridiculously hard all year, AIBU to want be able to enjoy my two weeks in the sun without being judged for eating out and spending the money I've earned (I'm the major breadwinner BTW, which she is fully aware of). I've told my OH there is literally no point her being out here if she doesn't even socialise with us and her grandkids and he agrees but he doesn't push it as he has major inferiority issues from her as it is. So, AIBU letting her get to me??

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 25/07/2022 18:59

YANBU. She can come out with you or make her own dinner. Why does she think you have to cook? Does a penis exempt your DH?

mrskatebob · 25/07/2022 19:06

Does she offer to cook for you?

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 25/07/2022 19:06

Pretend she isn't there and enjoy your holiday your way?

RenegadeMatron · 25/07/2022 19:09

So, AIBU letting her get to me??

Yes - you absolutely are!!

Ignore her, and get on and do things your way.

Thedogscollar · 25/07/2022 19:12

I'm with you OP. Holidays are for relaxing which means no cooking.
Leave her be go out and enjoy your holiday.

Goesbothways · 25/07/2022 19:12

she wanted to spend time with the kids (and her son!)

Why the exclamation mark after the comment in brackets? I will want to spend time with my son till my dying day. As no doubt you will with your children.

Clymene · 25/07/2022 19:15

Can't she spend time with them in the day?

Just tell her you're eating out every evening because that's what you do on your holiday. You'd love her to join you but understand if she'd rather not.

GiltEdges · 25/07/2022 19:18

I've told my OH there is literally no point her being out here if she doesn't even socialise with us and her grandkids and he agrees but he doesn't push it as he has major inferiority issues from her as it is.

What business is it of yours to dictate what “point” there is in your MIL being there, or otherwise? She can be wherever she wants to be.

So yes, YABU to let her get to you. Take a leaf out of your DHs book, leave her be and enjoy your own holiday.

RightOnTheEdge · 25/07/2022 19:19

YABU to let her get to you. Just enjoy your holiday your way and if she doesn't like it, tough luck.
If she refuses to come for dinner let her have it on her own and carry on. You're not doing anything wrong.

LH14 · 25/07/2022 19:26

Because he is a complete afterthought in everything she does, you'd think she would want to spend time with them all but she refuses to come out and do anything that isn't her choice

OP posts:
LH14 · 25/07/2022 19:27

Goesbothways · 25/07/2022 19:12

she wanted to spend time with the kids (and her son!)

Why the exclamation mark after the comment in brackets? I will want to spend time with my son till my dying day. As no doubt you will with your children.

Becasue he is an afterthought in everything she does, you'd think she would want to spend time with him and the kids but she only wants to do what she wants, when she wants to

OP posts:
LH14 · 25/07/2022 19:28

GiltEdges · 25/07/2022 19:18

I've told my OH there is literally no point her being out here if she doesn't even socialise with us and her grandkids and he agrees but he doesn't push it as he has major inferiority issues from her as it is.

What business is it of yours to dictate what “point” there is in your MIL being there, or otherwise? She can be wherever she wants to be.

So yes, YABU to let her get to you. Take a leaf out of your DHs book, leave her be and enjoy your own holiday.

Because the only reason she is here is to be with us, as she has told us she wouldn't have come otherwise

OP posts:
ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 25/07/2022 19:31

oft OP I could never holiday with my MIL so well done for even going!

just ignore her and enjoy your holiday. Personally I would wind her up by constantly talking about what restaurants you want to try and what night you will go but that’s me.

Goldbar · 25/07/2022 19:31

YABU to let her annoy you. Just say 'Sorry MIL, I don't cook on holiday'. Do your own thing, invite her and leave it up to her whether or not to come.

The cooking thing would have really fucked me off, but I think you just need to rise above it and chortle in disbelief at the idea that you will even be lifting a saucepan.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/07/2022 19:32

Yanbu to go on as you are - going out to dinner and enjoying yourselves

yabu to let her get to you, as there really is no point in that

Why should you, the person who doesn’t want to stay in, have to do the cooking?

Im sure she’d also have been annoyed if you hadn’t told the kids off!

Lovetogarden2022 · 25/07/2022 19:35

imho yanbu - you work hard all year and then the holiday comes and it's a nightmare! I feel very sorry for you having to deal with this on your two weeks away x

Livelovebehappy · 25/07/2022 20:00

Maybe she has gone but now realises she doesn’t really enjoy your company all the time, and your parenting and other stuff might get on her nerves so she is keeping a low profile. Tbh, that’s the best way to deal with rather than insisting on being with you 24/7 when there might be friction. My dm used to come with us on holiday when mine were young, and whilst she enjoyed spending time with us, she also wanted her own space now and again, which was fine with us. The bit about you wanting to put air con in her apartment, and getting the huff when she refuses, hints to me that you’re a tad controlling?

Cherrysoup · 25/07/2022 20:00

Yanbu. Just tell her you aren’t cooking on holiday. I hate this ‘must stay in on holiday’ bollocks. It’s probably the biggest expense after the accommodation/travel, but there is no way I’m sitting in to ignore the local delights! Bonkers.

doitwithlove · 25/07/2022 20:16

Leave the mardy mare to her own devices.

You enjoy your holiday, she will realise being on her own every evening soon gets very boring

DashboardConfessional · 25/07/2022 20:19

Then she suggested we should spend a few nights in and I can make dinner. I told her no way, I like to get out and relax in the evening. The latest one is she doesn't want to come out as she doesn't think we should be spending money eating out every night.

This is not someone who "wants her own space". This is someone who wants everyone with her in a space she chooses. There is a difference between just declining an invitation and saying nobody else should go out without her!

LH14 · 25/07/2022 22:02

DashboardConfessional · 25/07/2022 20:19

Then she suggested we should spend a few nights in and I can make dinner. I told her no way, I like to get out and relax in the evening. The latest one is she doesn't want to come out as she doesn't think we should be spending money eating out every night.

This is not someone who "wants her own space". This is someone who wants everyone with her in a space she chooses. There is a difference between just declining an invitation and saying nobody else should go out without her!

Absolutely, it's the same with everything, if you don't do what she wants she gets all sulky and won't talk to anyone 🙄

OP posts:
LH14 · 25/07/2022 22:04

Livelovebehappy · 25/07/2022 20:00

Maybe she has gone but now realises she doesn’t really enjoy your company all the time, and your parenting and other stuff might get on her nerves so she is keeping a low profile. Tbh, that’s the best way to deal with rather than insisting on being with you 24/7 when there might be friction. My dm used to come with us on holiday when mine were young, and whilst she enjoyed spending time with us, she also wanted her own space now and again, which was fine with us. The bit about you wanting to put air con in her apartment, and getting the huff when she refuses, hints to me that you’re a tad controlling?

It's not so much about being controlling but I just don't get the mentality of not doing something to help others out - we've offered to pay, get one that is very discrete so doesn't affect her in that way and it would mean we would save massively each year on holiday costs. There is literally no reason not to do it so I can't understand it - to put it into context, she comes to stay at ours, says she is cold, so I have bought extra duvets, and plug in heaters to make sure she is comfortable.

OP posts:
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