I have an absolutely wonderful bf who I've been with for nearly 4 years, he has a DSD from his previous relationship who's 9 and she's great. We've just bought a house together (after living together for 3 years) and everything is perfect....except the 'future' in-laws.
My bf has a very strained relationship with his mum. He did apologise for her before we got together and over the years I've come to realise exactly what he meant. She is so incredibly emotionally needy which has only got worse recently as my bf's father is now late 70's and he is unable to / want to do as much as he once did. He's quite happy pondering around home for his foreseeable life whereas his mum is 10 years younger and still wants to go on holiday and experience new things. I can sympathise with her to an extent, but it's her life choices that have led her to this point. They also made terrible financial choices during their adult life and now are in a position where they're still paying off debt and living in rented accommodation, so can't afford to do an awful lot anyway. This means that his mum has become an incredibly jealous person and she puts all this heavy emotional neediness upon my bf.
For example...if he doesn't reply to a text within a half hour he gets hounded with more. Some days there are 6/7 messages whilst he is at work and unable to reply. They are all 'worries' me messages where she wants sympathy. She can blow hot and cold like it's going out of fashion and you never know which side you are going to get. If we ever plan a day out together just us 3, she gets upset she wasn't invited. We will regularly cook for them / BBQ etc but any paid for activities we are expected to foot the bill so we've stopped asking. If my DSD ever spends time with my family, she will interrogate my bf and DSD to find out what we did and will be incredibly cold to my bf as she wasn't included. Honestly all of this is only a snippet of what my bf has to deal with. He regularly gets long text messages about how sorry she is, only for her to continue in her ways the next day. She seems to live her life through her granddaughter also and won't listen or respect any of my bf's parenting as she thinks she knows better and will call him 'silly'. She can never hold a conversation, it's always an interrogation and she will interrupt you mid sentence multiple times. She is the least calming person I've ever met and within 5 minutes of her presence I feel myself getting stressed.
I am now at the point where I don't want to spend any time with them. I say 'them', it's mostly his mum but they come as a pair, and besides, his Dad seems unable to thank me for anything if we've cooked for them etc, only my partner. I've lost count the amount of times my partner has pulled him up on this but still it continues so tbh there's no love-loss there either. My bf completely understands and doesn't blame me. He's at the point anyway where he feels the same way, but she is involved in childcare when my bf works so he does have to see her fairly regularly.
AIBU here? Is there any more I could do to salvage some kind of relationship? Is she likely to change?