for telling my DH to stop gaslighting me?

[supersonicspider]

I have doubts as to what exactly gaslighting is. There's a long back story (I have previous threads) but DH is often quite mean and denies it. Anyway there are significant problems in our marriage (lack of care, respect, effort...) which counselling actually made worse. We ended up having a 'chat' yesterday morning as the tension had become so bad. Result was me crying and him disregarding most of what I said.
Half an hour or so later we were doing various things in the kitchen and he said it was a shame I couldn't remain objective, and then casually asked what medication I'm on. 20mg citalopram to combat feelings of being overwhelmed. He told me that he thinks the medication is the root cause of why our marriage is failing and causing me to behave 'abborently'. Wtaf? He takes no responsibility - is this gaslighting?

I don't think it's gaslighting - it's just sheer nastiness. Gaslighting is deliberately making someone doubt their memory or perception of things that have happened, often so that they begin to doubt their sanity.

It just sounds like your husband is a mean, nasty person with no affection or respect for you. Do you really want to stay with a man like that?

Less gaslighting and more DARVO (defend, attack, reverse victim and offender) because he's taking no responsibility for his own part in things and blaming you instead. Counselling on your own might help, not because it's you with the problem but more to help you unscramble the spaghetti head he causes, you'll feel stronger if you understand what he's doing. Google DARVO and do some reading in the meantime too, knowledge is power

Don't think it's gaslighting. But it's rude, mean and disrespectful and completely putting all the blame for your marital problems on you, rather than acknowledging any shared responsibility.

Combined with the other things, the fact that counselling only made things worse confirms that you are in abusive relationship.

Leave him!!! You deserve better!

Thanks. I feel a bit clearer about what gaslighting is. He does tell me that I remember things distorted - I don't because I write incidents down.
Yep I've told him that I don't want to carry in like this. I've even told him that I need my own space and have moved into the spare room. As he can't be arsed to put the clean sheets on the main bed, he's has still been coming in to sleep with me in the spare. I couldn't have been much clearer. I can't leave because I would never leave the children.

It's a pretty depressing state of affairs to be honest.

Yes you can leave. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model to your children? Children learn what relationships look like from their parents. They learn how you should treat people you're in a relationship with, and what kind of treatment you should tolerate and what you shouldn't tolerate.

Well he's made his position clear, he isn't going to change his behaviour. So you have two options - put up with it, or don't!

It’s not gaslighting but agree with someone else upthread that it’s DARVO. He’s putting all the blame solely with you. He will use the medication as a stick to beat you with probably. That’s my experience of this kind of scenario anyway. Don’t stop taking it though, especially not without involvement from your doctor.

It's nothing do with him not putting clean sheets on!!

It's a power play - he's putting you firmly in place.

You don't have to leave your children, but you need to leave him.

Get legal advice

Oh he sounds utterly repellent. You don't need to leave the kids. You do need to leave him.

Googled DARVO and oh my goodness, that's exactly what DH does all the time!!!

As above :Yes, you CAN leave HIM!!

And you should.

Going off to do this. Stuck in a marriage with a narcissist, gaslighter extraordinaire. I'm looking at legal advice but finances are a nightmare and worried sick about my kids. Have there been any developments? Sending hugs. I know how crazy they can make you feel.

You need to leave this man, regardless what labels are put on his behaviour.

What stood out for me is that counselling made it worse - they say you should never go to counselling with an abuser as this is exactly what happens.

He comes into the spare room although you've moved out of the shared room? Wtaf? Have you told him to get the fuck away from you?

you don’t need to leave the children, to leave him.