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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex to still pay maintenance for the kids whilst I was im hospital

59 replies

Amblu81 · 25/07/2022 12:42

So I fractured my leg slipping down a step a few weeks ago. Complete freak accident, no alcohol involved, injury sustained includes shsttered tibia and fibia. It required surgery and an inpatient stay of 4 nights. The ex had our 2 kids for 5 nights in total and feels that this means he shouldn't have to pay their maintenance for that week. Note the following:
*we havent gone through CSA..came to private agreement with mediator
*he has them 2 nights at the weekend, I get them one weekend a month and have them the other 5 nights.
*Eldest DS chooses to spend 6 nights with me instead of 5 as he feels comfier at mine. I felt a bit petty asking for the extra money for 1 child, 1 extra night, so I didnt.
*Maintenance to go towards kids food, uniform, clubs etc.
*He has not agreed to pay any of the £600 holiday childcare I forked out for via a child voucher scheme, taken from my work wages. I wouldn't even expect him to pay 50% as it is taken from my salary throughout the year prior to tax.

I feel he should cough up!! He really doesnt. Next week he takes them on holiday for a week and again refusing to pay. I am moving back into our jointly owned property for some respite as negotiating a 2 storey flat above a shop on crutches/wheelchair is pretty damn exhausting. I was going to give half the maintenance back to cover gas/electric during my stay...but nope, he is refusing to let me have a penny anyway.

I would love to hear your thoughts as he is making me doubt what is reasonable. Fyi...he pays £75 pw towards the kids.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 25/07/2022 12:46

technically he should average the nights out over the year.

there’s not really a lot you can do though unfortunately (and you will get a lot of people agreeing with him).

Just remember his inflexibility if he wants a favour at any point.

Testingprof · 25/07/2022 12:50

Hard to say. Is he paying under, over or the CSA recommended amount. If under he is already being unreasonable. If over taking some off for the extended stay so long as it doesn’t take you under the recommended amount is I guess reasonable but petty. If he’s paying the recommended amount then not paying you a whole week is not right the reduction for an extra week might not even occur depending on the amount of days he has them for over the year, as it’s banded. There is a rate for having every other weekend (under 52 days of the year) then it’s (52 - 100 days, I think) and from memory the reduction wasn’t huge.

Original poster
Amblu81 · 25/07/2022 12:57

thanks everyone, we never went through CSA as he refused to disclose how much he earns and asked me how much would cover costs instead.

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 25/07/2022 13:10

Is it worth abandoning your agreement and going through the CSA? Or would that be too risky that you could end up much worse off?

DahliaDreamer · 25/07/2022 13:19

Have the CMS assess the situation. They will access his salary, you don't have to. Then you will be paid based on the number or nights the children spend with each parent and there will be no arguments.

Meraas · 25/07/2022 13:21

Amblu81 · 25/07/2022 12:57

thanks everyone, we never went through CSA as he refused to disclose how much he earns and asked me how much would cover costs instead.

The CSA will know what he earns. go via them.

Original poster
Amblu81 · 25/07/2022 13:44

It is a huge risk as he has always been self employed, pays himself a low wage and takes the rest as dividends. He recently shut down his business and opened up a new, very similar one.... but he doesn't seem as busy. Arghhh its do frustrating.
Thank you for comments so far. Keep them coming mumsnetters!!

OP posts:
JustLyra · 25/07/2022 14:47

If he’s self employed then keep it away from CMS unless you really really have to.

FilePhoto · 25/07/2022 14:52

Presumably you've provided clothes for those 5 days? Will they be returned washed or will laundry be your job? If so then it's not like you haven't had any child related costs for those days.

I'd work out how many nights per year he usually has them and see if those e xtra few nights while you're in hospital take him into the next bracket on the cms calculator.

justfiveminutes · 25/07/2022 14:57

I don't think I'd argue over this with him but I would make it clear that, if this is how he's going to play it, you'll expect more on the weeks they are on holiday with you, or when they stay with you 6 nights instead of 5, and an additional contribution for big expenses such as holiday club

NoMichaelNo · 25/07/2022 15:05

DahliaDreamer · 25/07/2022 13:19

Have the CMS assess the situation. They will access his salary, you don't have to. Then you will be paid based on the number or nights the children spend with each parent and there will be no arguments.

Not if he's self employed they won't.

Your ex is a dick OP.

Longdistance · 25/07/2022 15:11

That’s really petty of him. I bet you’re glad he’s an ex!
Next time he wants a favour, don’t forget to ask for more money 😉

antelopevalley · 25/07/2022 15:25

Say to him you see his point we should stick to this strictly. So can he increase it for the 1 child who stays 1 extra night a week with you.
Do not send any clothes with them to his, it is his job to buy and launder them. If he is not happy with that, point out that he is not paying the cost of when they are with him.

Babyghirl · 25/07/2022 15:28

@Amblu81
But why should he pay you cm when he has the kids, it's to feed them heat and that but you have not got them that week to feed them and heat them he does, so if he gives you the cm qhat you going to be spending it on not the kids cause he has them.

antelopevalley · 25/07/2022 15:30

@Babyghirl he does not pay the true costs when he does not have them such as summer childcare.

Meraas · 25/07/2022 15:32

Babyghirl · 25/07/2022 15:28

@Amblu81
But why should he pay you cm when he has the kids, it's to feed them heat and that but you have not got them that week to feed them and heat them he does, so if he gives you the cm qhat you going to be spending it on not the kids cause he has them.

What about the rent? The rent wasn't reduced whilst OP was in hospital.

Babyghirl · 25/07/2022 15:42

@Meraas
It's s known fact cm is not for rent of a house so that's not the father's problem, it's to feed the kids clothe them keep them warm, it's to benefit the kids not the mother.

@antelopevalley
It's up to the mother to sort of childcare when she has them just the way it's up the the father if he has them, and by the sounds of it he has them more that 52 days a year and if a parent has them over the 52 days ayear cm does not have to be payed

Bagpuss2022 · 25/07/2022 15:45

He’s a slimy bastard why does he live in the jointly owned house whilst your in a flat above a shop with thr kids majority of the time?

Original poster
Amblu81 · 25/07/2022 15:45

This is the exact debate I was hoping for here, thanks all.

I had to move out with the kids as he is desperate to hold on to the family home and refused to budge. Spent 6 months sleeping on the sofa then a further 4 living in the dining room of my own home. I had to furnish a place from scratch for free or cheap as possible and borrow the deposit for the rental from friends. Yup, my rent has not been reduced and he is not in a position to buy me out either. Having just lost 1/3 of my income due to the fall.. I took on freelance work to make up the extra rent, our home is at risk and I need every penny. Lesson for all, take out income protection!!!

Trying to avoid solicitors due to costs but I think its time, I cannot fight him alone. I have journalled and screenshotted everything from the word go as had a feeling it would get tricky. Off to apply for legal aid.....🤞

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/07/2022 15:45

Hes a total dick. Does he think your costs have gone down or something? Like their home miraculously disappears whilst you’re all not in it?

And of course he only the variations when they benefit him - the cost of him doing one day rather than two with eldest is apparently invisible to him?

Pallisers · 25/07/2022 15:47

he is a mean bastard. but you knew that OP. I'm sorry and hope you recover well.

junebirthdaygirl · 25/07/2022 15:48

But surely the money is needed for ongoing expenses like new uniforms/ school supplies/ winter coats and shoes. Nobody lives week by week but gather money together to meet bills as thy arise. He is so out of order making a fuss over a few pounds when you are flat out with broken bones.

Original poster
Amblu81 · 25/07/2022 15:52

Babyghirl · 25/07/2022 15:42

@Meraas
It's s known fact cm is not for rent of a house so that's not the father's problem, it's to feed the kids clothe them keep them warm, it's to benefit the kids not the mother.

@antelopevalley
It's up to the mother to sort of childcare when she has them just the way it's up the the father if he has them, and by the sounds of it he has them more that 52 days a year and if a parent has them over the 52 days ayear cm does not have to be payed

Thanks @Babyghirl for shedding a different light on this.

I cannot fault him for wanting to be part of the kids lives, truly cannot, I feel aggrieved I guess that I have been the one to bend over backwards to accomodate him and his needs during this break up, whereas I find him less than helpful.

I asked him politely after my accident if we could swap properties whilst I regained my strength etc, he point blank refused even though the house we jointly own is far more suitable given my current situation. Just wish he could be a little more flexible.

I have school uniform costs to consider for September too, really rubbish timing. Even if he could take off the 2 payments and spread the rest across the year so at least I have something next couple of weeks would be helpful.

OP posts:
FilePhoto · 25/07/2022 15:52

Babyghirl

It's s known fact cm is not for rent of a house so that's not the father's problem, it's to feed the kids clothe them keep them warm, it's to benefit the kids not the mother.

Wrong. It's a contribution to "the child's living costs"

by the sounds of it he has them more that 52 days a year and if a parent has them over the 52 days ayear cm does not have to be payed

Wrong again.

DisforDarkChocolate · 25/07/2022 15:54

Go official. He's taking the piss.

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