Why am I upset about something that happened almost 10 years ago?

[Mallie202]

I'm 27 now so almost 10 years ago I was starting university. I was totally excited and was looking forward to making new friends.
It didn't go to plan.
I was in halls in which only the boys socialised. The two girls never wanted to socialise.

However, I grew close to the boys the first semester but then we all got drunk during the last week, turned out one of the boys was cheating on his girlfriend and a massive argument happened between all of us.

We never spoke properly again. Within this group were also some girls as well.

Second semester, I remember I developed anxiety and spent most of the time in my room and on antidepressants. I had friends from my lectures and a close friend I met on a night out.
Anyway, I decided I was finishing the year and then going to a uni closer to home. I didn't tell the boys in my hall this.
One of the friends which were female knocked on my door and asked me to come to the shared kitchen in which 8 of them were sitting there and the girl announced that I won't be sharing a house with them the next year. I wasn't planning on it and I remember being totally confused about why there was a "meeting" in the kitchen about it.

The rest of the year was "hell" living with them and I developed awful anxiety. I was home every weekend crying and God only knows how my parents must have felt.
I never spoke to uni about it as I was just happy to go home on the weekends.

Anyway, life has moved on since then, never got in touch with the people in my halls again, deleted off all social medias and it's kind of like that time in my life is a blur. I now have a fiance and we get the keys to our new house in 2 days! But I'm just lying in bed and hit with all the memories from the first year of uni and I feel tearful. The way I describe it probably sounds small but there was a lot more going on.
I just think about how I felt back then and now the university life never lived up to my expectations and how the excitement I felt at 18 just disappeared.

Other smaller things included handing each other presents in front of me, my cheese was smashed twice a week, one of the boys (who had a very out there fashion sense) would call me ugly and say I need a style change (I actually don't consider myself bad looking but he did), another boy would say "eww" if he accidentally touched me.

It was just overall awful!! I don't know why I'm writing this, probably just need a vent. Im not sure whether the mortgage has brought up these past memories of nobody wanting to live with me and how much I struggled living alone from my parents.

Because you are human and experienced a traumatic event. It's not in anyway odd to still be sad about it. Sorry they were such cunts to you, people can be awful.

You were bullied and it sounds horrendous.
It’s probably coming up now because your brain finally feels that your situation is safe enough that you can process it.
If it starts to occupy your thoughts too much you might want to get talking therapy.
Otherwise, get on with enjoying your life!
Happiness is the best revenge.

No wonder you’re still upset - being bullied is very upsetting. And you’re at another exciting but also stressful point where your life is changing with the house move, so it’s natural to remember that earlier stressful time, with a bit of anxiety about what the future holds.

But it sounds like you’ve landed on your feet. You’re going to be living with someone who (I hope) you can trust not to bully you. Maybe you’re thinking ahead to marriage and possibly children, so there’s lots to look forward to. I hope everything works out brilliantly for you.

This is terrible. Those bullying arseholes will have to live with being who they are and they will come unstuck. Meanwhile, you're moving on in the world. YOUR house, YOUR sanctuary. You weren't/aren't the problem, they are x

Thanks for the replies; I wasn't expecting any at this time of night so thank you!
Yes my boyfriend is amazing; I haven't actually spoken to him about this time of my life; in fact my parents and I don't talk about it either.
They were amazing, bless them; listening to me cry on the phone about twice a week, hearing my suicidal thoughts (oh gosh Im tearing up again)... I cant imagine how they felt hearing it all but they were amazing with me.
My mum came to counselling with me later on which my GP referred me to and tbh counselling wasn't for me but they were both so supportive

Now I think about it, it's weird that it happened yet nobody has talked about since that year, not even me to anybody. I don't think my best friend even knows about that year

Please talk through your experiences at uni with your boyfriend. He needs to understand your anxiety at least. It sounds like current house moving in plans have brought your uni memories back as others have mentioned. This is totally normal. Bad experiences are sometimes suppressed and resurface in this way when we are in a similar situation to the traumatic events we experienced. If counselling didn't work it's possible it's not right for you or you just didn't gel with your counsellor (it's a personal thing). Maybe discussing it with your boyfriend will help (both of you).

Sometimes when times are really good it reminds us of a time when we thought it wasn't possible to feel happy and secure.

It must have been a really awful time for you.

OP I can relate! So I'd say very very normal feelings. From what I understand from psychology + quite a few counselling sessions - upheaval/big life events makes us relive or rethink past trauma. It's actually a healthy thing, rather than repressing it.

Have you considered some counselling?

Very very similar experience myself and weirdly just completely on buying a house myself this weekend!
I hated university, I didn't settle in at all, didn't get on with my flatmates. I just felt extremely left out and like I didn't fit in. Ended up self harming, riddled with anxiety and depression after a month or two. I stuck it out and suffered in silence, barely left my room and barely ate as I was so anxious to use the shared kitchen. Then when it was over by summer, went home to family and felt immense pressure to tell 'uni stories' and share funny anecdotes with friends from home... I had none! I basically just felt like a loser who didn't fit in anywhere. I ended up having a bit of a breakdown/suicide attempt. Moved in a new flat for second year living with a load of kind, mature PHD students. It got much better then and I had some counselling and my confidence grew. However I'd fallen out of love with university and still felt that anxiety for many years. Ended up coming out with a 2.2 and that still makes me sad. Nothing wrong with a 2.2 but I know for me and my degree, with my mental health in the right place I could have done better.

26 year old me now doesn't give a F what anyone thinks but my heart aches often for little anxious 18 year old me. I still feel upset I never got 'the uni experience' though and sometimes wish I could go back and do it all again now, as a mum of 2 with a busy FT job. I'd love to be able to study and relax and drink and party again whenever I liked! Another life maybe.

OP please try not to let something negative tarnish such a wonderful time now. Remember, it is not the same. You sound like a lovely person. You've grown since then, don't let it affect you. Congratulations on the house!

Sorry was typing for AGES then one handed while doing the night feed, didn't see replies about counselling. 😣

Urgh, they sound like bloody awful people, I think what happened says much more about them than it does about you. You sound like you've made a lovely life for yourself since then; family, friends and a boyfriend who loves you. You're the winner.

This, definitely.

OP, you were badly bullied by a group of vile teenagers, and I'm so sorry you went through that.

I suspect that the reason you are thinking about it now is that you are excited about your new house and it's triggered memories of when you were excited about another big life change - going to University - and how that went horribly wrong. But this is very different, you will be moving in with someone who loves you and wants the very best for you.

I hope you and your fiance have a wonderful life together in your new home.

@Newhouselittlemouse the stories are very similar! And you nailed it when you said your hear aches for 18 year old you because that's how I'm feeling! I feel like 18 yr old me was a completely different person, basically a stranger, to who I am and I look back and I think "awwww".
I remember I had a couple of close friends in uni and in lectures but sometimes I would sit in a lecture hall and be sat alone and look around and it felt like everyone else had huge friendship groups and I didn't understand why I wasn't clicking that well with anybody and how everybody else made it look so easy!

Thanks for sharing your story though! <3

Thank you for all your replies! I feel much better after having a vent. I definitely do think, like most of you have said, it's a link between the big life changes

Concentrate on how you are going to furnish your lovely new 🏡

They sound like horrible people. What you went through was awful, it's not unreasonable that that will still have an effect on you. If this is a one off I wouldn't worry at all, but if it's still effecting your life it could be worth considering counseling again. It took me several tries to find the right therapist. The right therapist can make a real difference.