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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask dp if I can go on a dating website

44 replies

Crumpet2 · 24/07/2022 21:18

Lately I've been feeling that my life is majorly missing alot. Life feels bleak and boring and I'm only 24. I've been hearing a lot of "you are meant to be in your prime" and that I should be "grabbing life by the horns". This was spurred on by a conversation with some friends same age as mine who all agreed now is the time to put ourselves out there (we was talking about goals and ambitions).

So I'm a sahm ftm and it wasn't planned. I have no career aspects (going to start studying from home) and have just been living life day to day. Most of my friends go out all the time, either on holidays dates gigs or travel. One of my friend was contemplating leaving for another country as she claimed she had nothing to "anchor her down" I was slightly jealous at her freedom. How I'd love to just do what ever whenever but I can't. I have a baby and a fiance and very overbearing PILS that means my life has become mostly hanging around people not my age or have no relation to me. I've had to sacrifice alot to have dc vs than dp did and for once I want life to go my way.

I get extremely jealous when I see other women with a full face of makeup or or even just their hair brushed, I never have the time. With nice clothes, I don't have the money. I get jealous of dp having independence and freedom going to work (we can't afford childcare). I guess what I'm saying is I want to feel like me again. I feel like physically I never reached my potentially because I stopped looking after myself and then obviously my body changed post birth. I wish I had the time or energy to go to the gym, the money for the protein shakes and dietary needs.

What I really crave is to get dressed up and go out into the town and see where the night takes me. I used to do this before dp and had some of the most interesting times. I miss the drama and the thrill. The unpredictably of it all and the spontaneity. My social bubble has gotten really small since having dc, I mean it already was but now it's even smaller. Turns out most of my friends don't want to talk about children or mummy stuff and I don't blame them as they are on a completely different place in life. I don't want to go to mummy/toddler group for many reasons, majority of the mums are older (I've been to soft plays so I know this) I don't want my life to be evolved around babies ect... I want to have more friends. Meet new people. I don't have time or money right now to join "clubs" or start up a hobby. So I was thinking it may be worth joining a date app. Back in my tinder days I remember seeing lots of profiles of people stating they were looking for "just friendships" and I used to think it was odd as I never correlated the app as a way of doing this. But now I think it may actually help me. It will be an easy and accessible way to make friends in the comfort of my home with my dc. Aibu to propose this dp. I doubt he will take it well and I'm apprehensive that he will understand.

But it's something I really want to do. I want to broaden my horizons. I want life to start feeling a bit fuller again. I assume there maybe apps for friends but I doubt many people would go on them if there even are. Yes I know dc will grow up and things will become easier but dc is just 17months and I'm still along way away for free childcare at 3. I can't keep this up until then it's driving me crazy!!!

Aibu?

OP posts:
TheUnexpectedPickle · 24/07/2022 21:19

Bumble has a whole section for finding friendships

Crumpet2 · 24/07/2022 21:20

@TheUnexpectedPickle oh really! I didn't know this. I'm still anxious that dp won't be happy about the whole dating app but for friendship part though

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/07/2022 21:21

Yabu

It doesn’t sound as though your dp is supportive but really a dating app?! If you want to be single then you should go on one 🙄

Try making friends with older mums at baby groups, what’s wrong with that?!

KitKattaktik · 24/07/2022 21:23

Going onto a dating site will send out all the wrong signals. You're overwhelmed by the sahm/baby scenario. You need to talk to your husband and spell out what you need, adult time with him and also you need to look into developing your own interests. If you can't go out because of childcare, consider starting or joining a mum and baby group. I remember how lonely I felt when my dd was a baby. If you can make some friends you'll feel a whole lot better!

Flower0503 · 24/07/2022 21:26

The Peanut app is about making friends, may be worth checking out?

Loics · 24/07/2022 21:27

Couldn't you go on Peanut instead? It's pretty Tinder for mum friends. 😂

Josephsrose · 24/07/2022 21:31

Hi, you only have 15 months left, and you've allowed your baby to Shri j your social circle. Time to invest in your future positively, and many healthier ways to do that that don't involve dating sites. Ie adult education, evening classes, even Meetup groups that are formed around different hobbies/interests as wide as meditation, crafting, clubbing, walking etc.
Invest in your own precious life as you go!

tirednewmumm · 24/07/2022 21:31

I mean I'm a new mum who's older than you 32 and i think despite the age gap making you think we wouldn't get on Confused id have a lot more in common with you then your current mates lol

D0lphine · 24/07/2022 21:34

Sounds like you're having a classic 1/4 life crisis - google it! It's totally a thing.

It also sounds like you need to work on what you want out of life. Gym around here is less than £20 a month. Protein shakes can be cheap ish too.

What's your plan for a career? Is your studying set in stone?

Do you actually want to be with DP? Or are you just with him for the kids?

Either way it sounds like you want and need to get out there and seize the day and I don't blame you!

Thisismynamenow · 24/07/2022 21:37

Loics · 24/07/2022 21:27

Couldn't you go on Peanut instead? It's pretty Tinder for mum friends. 😂

This, I'm a new mom (3 month old) and actually met 2 local women through this app I've met a few times!

I wanted to try bumble BFF as my friend met someone local to her via that but not sure my husband will appreciate me downloading a dating app lol

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 24/07/2022 21:37

Why not look for other young mums on the Peanut app or go to Meetup.com and see if there are any hobby clubs you can join. Some cities and towns also have just social groups for specific age groups.

When you say you can't afford childcare, do you live in an area where childcare actually costs more than a minimum wage salary? Where I am it's about a grand a month per child which is £800 given the government tax free scheme. Would it not be worth getting a job just to have a bit more going on in your life?

Whadda · 24/07/2022 21:40

Why don’t you look for evening work? You’ll get out of the house, meet people, have more income, and won’t need childcare as your boyfriend will be home.

LemonSwan · 24/07/2022 21:41

I am not as young as you (early 30s) but feel younger in spirit - which I am sure everyone does.

I didn’t think I would find mum pals or that the relationships would be enjoyable. But I have put myself out there and they really are. I have a couple of groups from preg and post natal activities and the range of age is vast - yet we all get along like a house on fire, and it’s nice because you have an outlet for the chatting about babes and sharing photos, worries and milestones stuff.

I think non mum friends are important too. But you say you already had those and the relationships were hard to sustain because they aren’t at a similar life stage. And I think you will find similar if looking specifically for non mum friends.

If there’s anything the mum friend journey taught me is that everyone has kids and don’t judge a book by it’s cover or age. The things I have found out about some people have been totally unexpected and everyone is interesting in their own way.

Get on out their OP 😁

LuckyLil · 24/07/2022 21:47

What about meetup? There are endless friendship groups out there. Surely you're not wanting to go dating?

Zippy1510 · 24/07/2022 21:51

Go on peanut

Nocutenamesleft · 24/07/2022 21:52

Dating apps for making friends?

hmmm. No that’s not a good idea. There’s all sorts of websites and apps I making friends. Dating apps are not for that

on the other side. You don’t need gym memberships or protein shakes to change your body. I know someone who was able to lose some 15kgs by walking running and playing this game online. She also didn’t drink protein shakes. I think I’m just getting at you’ve never needed to spend tons of change your shape or body or diet.

MichelleScarn · 24/07/2022 21:53

What about just going to baby groups? 🙄 met my now best friend at local one!

M340 · 24/07/2022 21:55

The peanut app is good and is solely to friend making

LittleOwl153 · 24/07/2022 21:56

What was your job before dc? Could you go back to that? It is not just about childcare being affordable - childcare is a joint expense so your boyfriend will have to find his share too.

You say you plan to study from home. Why? Why not get out into the actual world of Adult Ed and meet some folks that way rather than sitting behind a screen. Many colleges/universities will support you to a degree with childcare.

I don't think a dating app is the answer (though I've never used one so I wouldn't really know!) As I can see how this would upset your partner. You do need to shake off his parents a bit though. You don't need to spend every waking moment with them.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 24/07/2022 21:57

What is it that you actually want?

Dating apps, whilst being engaged , well that's plain wrong and if you want actual dates then split up from your fiancé.

If you just want to meet like minded friends then go for it.

You sound like you want to move on.

UndertheCedartree · 24/07/2022 22:05

One way to broaden your horizons is to have friends of different ages. I have friends 20 years younger than me, friends 10, 20, 30 years older. You really should give a tots group or toddler class a go. Lots of people have babies in their late 20s anyway so not too much older than you. I was 26 when I had my first and there was an 18 yo at the baby group I went to - we are still friends now.

Numbertwenty · 24/07/2022 22:10

You say your friends understandably don't want to talk about babies.
So do you want new friends to talk about babies? Or to feel like yourself again? Why can’t you be yourself back with your old friends?!

I have 2 DCs and I’d happily meet mums at baby groups that don’t want to talk about babies!

Crumpet2 · 24/07/2022 22:13

I have dc ft. Partner works 5 days a week. So come the evening I am shattered then of course there is dinner/ cleanup bed time.

Childcare would cost more than I would earn besides I want to study and then go into work so I'm not doing something that makes me feel more miserable.

If I do literally anything during the day I need to include dc. I want to study at home as I don't have the energy to go to classes in the evening the daytime would be my best bet at doing well.

I really do feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis mainly because there is so much pressure to be doing the most at this point, either to be enjoying life to the fullest or establishing your life and I'm not doing either! I feel like I am missing out on so many life experiences and my life has no colour to it. I go out with dc all the time but it's always to the same old local parks or soft plays to work around nap times. I'm just worried I will blink and then be 35 and not have the youth to do things I should be doing now. I feel like I haven't had time to find myself or know who I really am.

In terms of older mums I know you all say to give it a shot but I did back when I first had dc I joined a post natal group for mums that needed extra support and guess what I was excluded mainly! I had nothing in common with all these mums that had a husband or three kids or a ft career or owned a house. They were all on the same wave length as each other and hardly interacted with me. So maybe I'm put off but genuinely I know i don't have much more in common with these people other than being a "mum" and I don't want my friendship to centre around that when my whole life already does. I want to find friends outside of this that will add something different to my life

For the peanut suggestion thanks I will look into it!

OP posts:
Crumpet2 · 24/07/2022 22:16

@wherearebeefandonioncrisps i just want more to life be it in any aspect! I don't want to feel like I'm missing out or bored anymore.

OP posts:
wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 24/07/2022 22:18

Then go for it .
But a dating website would be foolish.

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