Aibu to ask for help deciding if I should become a sahm

[theillustratedmummy]

Hi all,

I have the opportunity to become a sahm. I have two primary age dc (one just starting primary).

Points to consider-

I work in one of the most notoriously stressful professions. I do like my job though, but yes its stressful.
I work part time now. However, I work overtime every single week because we are always short staffed. I do not get paid for this overtime.
I'm doing well career wise and I'm going to be promoted soon.
I love looking after my dc too. I'm love all the activities with them and all the house stuff.
I have stuff to fill my days eg gym, dog, organising dc.
I am already a carer for my dc who are disabled and this is why I'm considering this.
I like working because it gives me something outside of being a mum but its hard balancing such a stressful job with caring and organising things for disabled dc. They have extra appointments each week for example.
We would be ok financially either way.
I'm married and own a decent home jointly with my dh. Hes not perfect but he pulls his weight 50/50 and I have no doubts he would be amicable if we split etc. Our relationship is good.
It seems silly to do this now just as im getting both dc into full time school but one in particular is struggling in wrap around.

I'm totally torn on this.

Any wise words.

Is your dh in on the discussion for him to be the sole earner?

No. I wouldnt.

If you're struggling with managing care for dc I'd be looking for dh to reduce his hours too.

DH is happy either way on this. He fully supports me working part time now because he knows its important for dc needs and my sanity. He would be fine with being the sole earner and pays the majority now.

His career is our financial security so him going part time would be counter productive.

Hi op, I am in a similar position to you but a bit further down the line.

I found working in my stressful profession difficult when my disabled DC started school because of childcare in the holidays and she struggled with after school club in term time. I went very part time and then after being made redundant, I’ve not gone back.

I absolutely love not working. I’m never bored as have loads to fill my days and in the holidays can spend all my time with the DC. My situation is a little different to a lot of my peers because I’ve already lost both my parents as well as my sibling so time is really precious to me.

Is yours the type of career you can pick up and go back to?
Personally I would not ever be financially reliant on a man, as for saying he would be fair if you ever split...You never really know someone until they divorce them they say.
Are you really going to sacrifice your career when I imagine things should be getting easier with both children in school.
Have you thought about how this would affect your pension later in life?

I'd say to consider whether you love the activities with the kids etc precisely because you work in an entirely different environment. Were you to only have the activities/kids' stuff would you have enough intellectual stimulation and adult interaction?

And I know you think DH would be amicable if you were ever in that awful place, but, kindly, you only think that because you're not there and can't fully imagine it. It's probably unlikely that you can imagine him with a younger version of you and go has him wrapped around her little finger and who wants his income and time for herself. And hopefully that would and could never happen..but if it did, you'd not be the first in that situation. Think of it the way you do insurance. You can't imagine the worst thing happening, but if it were to, you don't want to put yourself in an avoidable, worse, situation!

I'll say what I always say:

A) I would hate to be dependent on anyone
B) Think of your pension.

@Retrievemysanity I'm sorry for your losses.

Your all right in that everyone thinks there dh would never screw them over until they do. Its something I have considered. Pension is another thing I'd considered. But like @Retrievemysanity time just feels so precious and I don't know what the future may hold for my dc so it feels like I should do it now while I can.

I'd be able to go back to my career without a doubt but as pp have pointed out it does give me the stimulation and social aspect now.

Such a hard decision.

@theillustratedmummy thank you. I’ve been thinking about your situation and could you take a year out and see how you feel?

Just to address some of the points others have made; if your DH and you did separate and he screwed you over, you could go back to work at that point, plus you’re married so you are in a good legal position. In terms of pension, because my own parents died relatively young, I sort of think what’s the point in saving loads for retirement if you might not live to use it. As long as I have enough to live on, that’s fine. My disabled DD is likely to live with us permanently so while she’s in school, I have guaranteed childcare and an ability to do things in the day now which I probably won’t have once she reaches adulthood so I feel I need to make the most of that now and whilst I have good health to be able to do so.

Social and mental stimulation I get from friends who I see a lot who don’t work or work part time and are free in the day, my hobbies and volunteering for charities.