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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Old ex friendship

4 replies

helloits · 24/07/2022 17:55

I have an ex friend who I haven't spoken to in nearly two years (so many reasons we don't speak anymore I could write pages). The short version friends since school, been through a hell of a lot together (death of her sibling and my friend), really intense stuff for young adults to go through and mainly me being her shoulder to cry on (which I was 100% happy to do). Fast forward a few years later and I had my first baby and had PND, it was the darkest time of my life and I wouldn't wish the way I felt during that period on my worst enemy. She wasn't there for me through it and was very distant. Because of my situation I stopped reaching out to her purely because my head wasn't functioning and when I came out of it I realised she had gone, without me contacting her she never contacted me. We spoke about it (because I reached out to her) asked her if I had done something she said I hadn't, was very off with me, I explained what a dark place I had been in etc. She was very cold and from there we sort of decided to stay civil as we have mutual friends and wished each other well and moved on with our lives. I found it very difficult and it's taken me over a year to finally stop feeling hurt and feel in a better headspace about it all.
Until last night. She was out in our town and so was my OH (we have recently got married) she made a beeline for him and told him how hurt she was not to be invited to our wedding. Said she realises she should have been a better friend during my PND but still felt she had been wronged by me for not inviting her, he said they spoke for about half an hour about it all and she was crying etc she also blamed a mutual friend we have and said she had stirred the pot. This might sound ridiculous but I feel so upset and annoyed about it today. I feel like I've been through a grief losing her friendship that I was finally getting over and today it just hurts all over again. I'm not sure the point in this post really just helps to get it out and hear if others have been through similar. It's ridiculous really but it's like a relationship break up feeling and I hate it. I don't want to be her friend again but I feel I want to justify myself also.

OP posts:
lonelylou09 · 24/07/2022 18:07

Ive had fall outs with close friends. One were we were very close and spent a lot of time together. However as time went on I realised that she really wasnt a good friend at all and backed off. We didnt fall out so much as I just stopped spending time with her because of things she would do that would drive me mad.
I did really miss her though as id become part of the family as well and had no one else to spend time with.
We had a huge bust up after running into each other after almost a year of minimal to no contract and we got everything out in the open.
Obviously she was bewildered at my backing off and felt i hadnt been there for her.. I pointed out a few things she did that made me back off.
We tried desperately to repair the friendship and build bridges but neither of us changed who we were or why there were issues before.
I think maybe clear the air with your ex friend so its civil but i dont think you can go back and it sounds like youve dealt with it.

shropshire11 · 24/07/2022 18:10

Your feelings are valid - this must be hard. Her actions have stirred things up.

You need to look back on your previous (sensible) decision to draw a line under the friendship. It was the right call then, and you need to re-commit to that decision, and just try and keep the emotional distance. I know this is easier said than done, but you can continue to move on from her thoughtlessness. Don’t get dragged back.

helloits · 24/07/2022 19:15

Yes you're right @shropshire11 I do. It's a weird feeling because although I know we would never have the same friendship again I just want to speak to her and get it all off my chest without having a cold reception. I want her to apologise and acknowledge what she's done and then I want her to make an effort to be my friend again. But I know deep down I don't want toxic friendships like hers so why do I want that? I should just want her to leave me alone and never contact me again but I don't.
I'm so angry that she is upset for not being invited to my wedding when in the 2 years we haven't spoken I've had a baby and she's not said a word to me.

OP posts:
shropshire11 · 24/07/2022 21:14

Well done @helloits . I know exactly what you mean. The desire for closure can be so intense. Yet rationally we know that nothing good can really result from it. If someone behaves in a toxic way (and also illogically - how on earth could she come to your wedding having blanked you having a kid??), then the only closure we can have is through ourselves, on our own terms.

If she had reached out to you directly like an adult and asked to clear the air, maybe it would be different. But it wouldn’t change anything really.

Solidarity to you… I’ve been in similar situations and it’s bloody hard.

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