I got married yesterday and invited my mostly estranged father to my wedding. Instinctively I felt like it might be a bad idea but I wanted to give him a chance to redeem himself and also had pressure from other parts of my family to include him. Additionally I just had a daughter, his granddaughter whom he has never met so I wanted to give him an opportunity to meet her. To give you a bit of background, we haven’t seen eye to eye since around 12 years old (as soon as I started becoming a bit more aware), and have very different outlooks, he has lstayed in the same dull town all his life where as I have moved about, done different jobs and have a large group of friends. He’s never really had any friends and there were never really any other adults in our life growing up. He rarely even sees his siblings or their children. I could be biased but he’s just deeply unpleasant, short tempered and not good to be around. Takes the piss out of everyone and everything, he’s racist, sizeist and a bit of a bully (hence why my mum left him when I was 20). Never been genuinely interested to get to know the real me, or offered much guidance, and not given any financial support since I graduated.
Anyway needless to say he wasn’t included in speeches, did not walk me down the aisle and was not on the top table. I don’t really like the idea of being given away full stop when prior to meeting partner and having baby together I was self sufficient. No money was offered to help with the wedding. When my child was two months old he sent a bin bag (yes an actual black
Bag) of random stuff he’d got off Amazon like one pack of wet wipes (?), a very cheap sponge (?), some baby grows for a year old and a jumper for a 3 year old.
When I saw during the ceremony I smiled and made sure he had reserved seating near the front. Then during the drinks reception I went to say hello, gave him and his girlf a hug, and before I could say anything he said ‘well it’s relief someone has finally taken you on’ - I was taken aback by this, I tried to change the subject and said ‘so are you having a good time?’ response ‘not really, it’s a bit hot’ and I then asked him if he had been introduced to his grand daughter yet and he stumbled to remember her name and say it didn’t matter cause she didn’t know who he was anyway (which may be true but he has to start somewhere)… well I made my excuses and left, did the photos, had the wedding breakfast and did a speech (I did one for myself because it would not be appropriate for him to do it on my behalf as he doesn’t know about my life/friends/work/where I live)… when I went to sit down close to him just after dinner, i said hi, and immediately him and his mrs got up and walked away. He had just eaten a huge meal and drank the wine we paid for etc
He then spent the next few hours avoiding me, said a few weird things to my mum (‘this isn’t really a family wedding is it and asked why I hadn’t invited some much older cousins who I never really knew…) and eventually left without saying goodbye. Even though I had booked and paid for a taxi for him to go home later.
All this behaviour almost ruined my day, he really upset me with his comments when all I wanted to hear was ‘you look nice’, ‘what a lovely venue’, ‘I am proud of you’. After he left things got good tho and I didn’t let him spoil things
I am really struggling to process it all. My brother, his wife and step mum seem to be enablers, never call him out on his bullshit (I suspect because he is wealthy and they are not - he doesn’t share the wealth either)… for my brother and wife they are living in a tiny council house with three kids so I think it must come down to inheritance?
I want to go total contact with him and severe ties with his girlfriend too (follow each other on social media and sure pics of my daughter get sent to him)… I can’t have the negative energy in my life ever again, I never want to see or hear from him again, part of my heart is broken and I feel very ashamed to be related to him. But I don’t want to create a rift so that it’s difficult for my brother and his family.
I also would like to write him a letter and tell him about himself, not with any hope he will change but more something cathartic for me. I also really want to encourage him to help my brother out financially, he is currently living alone in a three bed house with a massive garden whilst his son lives in a two bed with no private garden and three kids, there must be some way to help him out.
I know this is it now with him, I will never see him again, and there’s no hope of ever having a friendly relationship with him as he is completely joyless. He must have felt very out his comfort zone at the wedding, which in contrast was filled with smiles, laughter, friendship and fun.