AIBU to expect DH to tell me he’s going out?

[PrincessArora]

Has happened again just this afternoon. I’m working in the back bedroom, wander downstairs to talk to him
about something and he’s just not here. Car gone. Has been out for about 30 mins now. Expect he has popped to the shop or something, but as he hasn’t bothered to tell me, I don’t know for sure.

AIBU to expect him to pop his head round the door and say I’m popping out to the shop, do you need anything? Or text me. Or leave a note! I feel it’s really bloody disrespectful. He believes he is a grown up and doesn’t need to tell me his every move.

YABU: he doesn’t have to tell you his every move
YANBU : it’s only polite to tell people you live with if you’re going out.

I'm sure lots of people will come on and tell you that you're not his mum, he doesn't need your permission to go out etc etc

Personally, I'd find it really weird if the person I lived with goes out without even saying "I'm popping out"
Surely that's completely normal behaviour to tell the other person that you're bobbing out to do XYC for 10 mins

YANBU

Yep it's odd. If he didn't want to inturpt work he could have txt or left a note as you said. I would think it was odd if my partner left without telling me

I’d find it bizarre to realise my Dh had gone out without saying something. I think it’s absolutely normal to tell someone you’re going out.

It's really odd. Has he always done this or is it recent?

Thanks Mini.

I think it’s weird. I don’t think I’m his mum. I’m his partner and I just find it rude not to ask. He’s back, been to shops for a sandwich. If he’d asked, we needed milk but I’ll have to go out for that now 🙄

Weird man. I even tell my cat that I’m popping out for the newspaper!

Hell, mine works away a lot but even we do the other the courtesy of basic communication.

You have an unthinking knobber on your hands. He needs to stop and think for a moment...

He’s always done it. What I find most infuriating is that it is one of the very few things that really winds me up and he knows that - but still does it.

Yes it’s definitely rude not to tell you. When I lived with my friends at Uni and a few years after even then we would always let the others know. Just a ‘hey I’m going out, see you later/do you need anything?’
My DH would find it so bizarre if I went out and didn’t even say bye and vice versa!

DP and always let each other know, even if it's a text. Takes seconds.

I can’t imagine DH or I not letting the other know if we were going out.
If one of us is going to the shops, for example, we would ask if the other needed anything.
I was sewing earlier and he popped his head round the door to let me know he was going for a ride. I think it’s a normal thing to do. Nothing to do with control or permission, just common courtesy.
Our children are adults now, so it’s just for information. When they were younger it was also to check that the other was ok to look after the kids.

If my DH was working from home in a different room and I was at home, I would just get on with my daily routine without interrupting him, so if I was going out to the shop I would just go, I wouldn't tell him unless I thought he might want me to get him something while I was out.

But if it wasn't a working day and he was just doing something else in a different room, then yes I would let him know, but I think that's different to the situation where he's WFH. It would really annoy me if I was WFH and DH happened to be at home and kept interrupting me to let me know what he was doing.

I haven't voted as I think both are right. No, he doesn't have to tell you, but OTOH, it seems a bit odd not to leave a note or something, or message you.

I get that it isn't always appropriate to go and interrupt someone when they are working - both dh and I wfh sometimes and can't really be interrupted when on a call - so it makes sense that you don't go upstairs to interrupt the other person.
Generally though, we'd WhatsApp or text so if the other one is on a call they don't have to pick it up, but if they can read it, they can then say "Ooh, can you get some milk whilst you are out / post that letter / whatever task is needed"

My DH ALWAYS did this! Did my head in! I ended up using 'find my' on my iPhone so if I was looking for him I knew where he was! At least then I could ring him and say- grab some milk while you're there!
He's got better recently
He does remember to tell me 95% of the time now! There is hope!

how did you make him get better at it? It doesn’t seem to matter what I say!

For those thinking I was WFH I should have been clearer - was working on bills, house insurance quotes that kind of thing, general life admin not work work.

Have you ever done it back to him? Just grab the car and go off for awhile? I'll bet he won't like it done to him.

Not too weird, I don't think, as you were working.

And I missed the last bit of your update. I probably would have left a note.

Depends.

If I'm WFH, no I don't expect a running commentary.

I'm down the garden and he's nipping out for papers, no I don't need to know.

Im sat watching the telly feet from the front door, yeah that would be weird.

I think it's odd. What happens if someone calls round to see him? You'd surely look a bit odd yourself if you'd no idea where he is or when he's likely to be back.

OTOH, DH always pops his head round the door and tells me where he's going and if I'm concentrating on something you can bet your life that an hour later I've totally forgotten. Could be my age.

I'd send him back out for the milk for a start! So rude to go to the shop without checking if you need anything. I would also be really confused if DP left the house without telling me/messaging to let me know even before there were child-logistics to think about. You don't need to know his every move but that's not really what you are asking for.

It's up there with making yourself a brew and not offering anyone else in the house, selfish!
I would be telling him to get back to the shop for the milk since he didn't bother asking if you needed anything

@PrincessArora
I suppose asking him where he'd been as if I'd been looking for him. And then saying - if you would have told me:

1. I would have come with you - I fancied a walk to the shop
2. I wish you would have said - I needed milk
3. ah we could have combined it with a quick drink (or something relevant to him that he likes)

And I admit that I disappeared a couple of times... and left him wondering. He pretended he'd hardly noticed but I know he had because I wasnt there to make his lunch (it's our little thing we do)