To feel like a spare part all the time?

[PurpleSky300]

I feel like a spare part in life - like nobody is really interested in me, I just exist. My friends will see me if I arrange it and make the effort (eg. going out for dinner or going to the theatre) but otherwise, nothing. I'm fed of being the person who always texts first, always does the running - does anyone else feel like this?

I'm single and most of my friends/family are married and focused on their own lives, which I do understand. I just feel like I've fallen off the map and I'm having a hard time with it. People slot me in if they have nothing better to do on that day or someone else is busy, you know? And it really shows. If I say I'm having a hard time, mostly I just get 'stop thinking so much' and 'live your life' and stuff like that, people tell me to get a hobby and get on Tinder but they don't actually care about how I feel.

I don't know what to do and it's making me low and resentful. I wish I could move away and start from scratch somewhere.

It's pretty much true though. You need a life that doesn't revolve around other people. Book yourself a city break, go on Meetup and attend evening and weekend things you enjoy. Do what you want to do - random friends optional.

The truth is very few people care how others feel. It's why therapists exist. You won't find people who want to hear your problems. You can't sit waiting for them to want to support you or whatnot.

I think your friends are trying to give you good advice though. You need to be your own number 1. Like you say other people have their own lives and families so you can’t be their priority - but I also don’t think that makes you a ‘spare’ part. Sounds like you actually have great friends who like to spend time with you, who cares if you’re the one organising the meet-ups as long as you are meeting up. I don’t think it’s personal, it’s just that they don’t think of doing things because like you say they have a lot else going on. If they didn’t care they wouldn’t say yes to doing things with you.

I definitely agree about doing things like Meetup and solo breaks. It's a pretty lonely thing though, realising you aren't anyone's 'number 1' in particular despite the effort you might put into friendships/family ties etc. I'm not desperate for a relationship but I can see now why people hate being single, you end up the only person who doesn't have a 'number 1'.

You’d be even more lonely away from the people you do see.
Don’t rely on these people, get your own hobbies etc. Near me there is a Facebook dog walking group, but you don’t need a dog to join, you can just go for the walk.
Find something you want to do, gym class, litter picking, volunteering at church, whatever you want to do.

Lunalae is right - people tend not to genuinely care how people are. My DH and DC all make me feel like you’re feeling, OP - I’m absolutely an afterthought, and often not even that. I think genuine empathy is a rare thing, so please don’t think anything is wrong with you. It’s just the way folks are.

You're the main character, not an NPC. To them, you're an NPC or a minor character. Not the main. Because they are. But in your life, you're the main character. So don't keep thinking how you can keep wandering off into other people's stories and being their background chars. You should be the main character in yours.

Don't wait for people to come to you or expect too much from anyone from people who can't give you what you want or rely on them too much for happiness. Become your own happiness factory then how others behave simply wont matter to youanymore. Make plans for you and about you that don't necessarily involve any of them. Go somewhere random for the day, do a Meet up with a whole new set of people you've never met before, try a new class or sport. Don't be so available for people who just treat you as an option.

I'm sorry to hear that @drawacircleroundit - how do you feel with it? I'm trying not to feel angry and frustrated but it's hard.

I don't think OP is looking for ways to fill her free time.

She's sad because she is low on others' list of priorities. That's a valid feeling, especially as one progresses in age. Solo middle aged women do tend to be overlooked socially.

Exactly this, I think I was trying to get across that I don't feel 'seen'' or valued by the people in my life. Perhaps I need some new friendships or a change of scenery though, and doing my own thing for a bit might help.

I think OP whoever we are, it is possible for us to be in a lower priority and be in an unequal position. Husbands often prioritise/enjoy spending time with their friends a lot more and see spending time with their wives as obligation. Wives could regard their husbands boring and only prioritise him because he is the main earner. Children grow up, leave home and may prioritise their partners and their own kids eventually. But I agree that women tend to prioritise their families and friendship are very low in their list (if their friends were even on the list at all). Even as young people, women prioritise romantic relationships and often seeing a lot of their friends during their single intervening periods only. It is just less obvious when everyone doing that and you spend time in a group.

Find what light you up and make you happy and focus on that. Whoever we are, regardless our status, we need to take care ourselves and our own happiness.

Me too OP.

And to the post who said get hobbies so that live doesn't revolve around other people - actually, it does!

Get better mates, ideally some in a similar position to you, who want to do things. You don’t have to drop your old friends, just expand your social circle. There are lots of ways to do it: join a book club or a sports club or learn a language. Good luck. What you are experiencing happens to lots of people, I think. You are right to identify the problem and look for a solution. Good luck.

@PurpleSky300 I can empathise with how you are feeling. I too feel like a spare part or even an old umbrella hung up on the back of the door until someone needs you. I despair of people saying get a ‘hobby’ or join a club, as if it was that easy, 9 times out of 10 when I have made the effort other people in the club always come with a friend so immediately you’re an outsider. Other posters saying that people really don’t care about other peoples lives or feelings is so true and I’m just sorry that I can’t give you any advice or help just sending a bit of moral support.

I’m sorry that that has been your experience. I’ve made loads of new friends through sports and hobbies over the past ten years. Other people do, too. I hope that things get better for you, and for the OP of course.

It’s hard to be single when your friends are all married/couples. It is better if you can additionally make friends in the same position as you (through work, book club, gym, anything). Unfortunately I think you do just have to throw yourself out there. I make an effort to see all my single chums regularly as I remember acutely what it was like, but the truth is I don’t want to be out every Saturday night, or even have people over.

Your very much how I've felt at times of long-term singleness. I've been single most of my life, apart from perhaps 4 years here and there.

YOU are the leading lady in your life, so whilst its a very easy trap to fall into, why are you waiting for others to slot you into their lives? I'm absolutely fine in my own company though, so this might be why I'm so at ease with keeping myself busy, being happy doing nothing and amusing myself.

That little cafe you really like? Take a good book and sit there for a couple of hours spoiling yourself with posh hot chocolate. Get a last minute ticket to see a comedian (there's always odd seats left in the middle of rows that don't sell). Volunteer at a food bank. Volunteer at a youth club (not for me, I hate noisy kids!). Make yourself busy so that you have difficulty fitting your married friends in when they do have a free evening.

When I first started off in your shoes I had to FORCE myself to find things to enjoy. I started by taking pleasure in spending an hour in a deep bath eating a box of chocolates and reading a book. And every time I felt bored or lonely I reminded myself that married friends who were sitting at home spoon-feeding orange mush into a toddlers mouth would give their right arm to be in my shoes right now. I talked to a couple of close friends about what they found difficult about their lives. I would finish work at 5pm and drive to the late night shopping mall off the cuff, and mooch round until 7pm, reminding myself I was lucky I had that freedom where I didn't have to rush home to pick someone up from after-school club or wash PE kit for the next day. It was hard work, sometimes I did things while crying and feeling very sorry for myself, but eventually I got the point where I'd successfully taught myself to be perfectly happy in my own company.

I'm 44 and have always lived alone. I'd say now I actually only feel "bored" maybe once or twice a year. I have plenty precious friends but I live most of my life 'alone', yet only actually feel lonely maybe once a month?

Don't move. You'll only be moving the situation to a different location. Stay where you are but create yourself a busy and fulfilled life around what you already have.

Hope this helps xx

I forgot to say the most important thing. After doing all of this over the past 15 years or so I don't really feel a need to be important or validated by anyone. I'm sure I likely am, but if I'm not I'd just shrug my shoulders and go back to my book/pottering round the attic/sipping my coke in wetherspoons/eating a big cake somewhere. I like me and I know I'm nice so that's all that matters really.

May I add to what @Iamthewombat said about joining things. Meet people who are interested in doing something, being active not passive. Perhaps a sport or activity where you learn the skills under qualified supervision. Meeting others who already sail a dinghy in races or climb rockfaces is very different to people who just want to meet-up and chill.
When you are doing those things you do not think about work or the mundane. What you are doing becomes your world for the afternoon/day/weekend.
Happiness is always a by-product. If you work at something successfully you will achieve and by happier for it.

I have a friend of 35 years history who for the past 15 years or so was in an abusive marriage -- no physical violence that I know of but he was suspicious, controlling, spent her money (she was the higher earner) like it grew on trees, called her at random if she was out shopping, etc., to check on her. Most selfish man I've ever met.

(Ex: when she was packing to move in with her mother for her mother's last days dying of lung cancer, his comment was "But who is going to cook my meals?")

Fast forward to a couple of years ago; he gets an early onset and fast-moving form of dementia and dies within 15 months. She was working full time and his only caregiver (his adult children from another marriage washed their hands of him years ago) so I used a lot of my annual leave trying to help her with logistics, with "babysitting" him while she did necessary things like get new eyeglasses, going to distressing meetings with her about having him restrained and medicated, etc. I was happy to do so. She didn't love him any more but did her utmost for him out of a sense of duty/moral obligation.

He dies, and after the funeral I thought to myself, "Well, I didn't wish him dead but she'll certainly be less constrained now, she'll be free to do more fun things and I look forward to that. Like the old days."

Wrong. She immediately had her bathroom renovated and the contractor who did it literally the first man over the doorstep after her husband's death became her boyfriend and still is 3 years later. She exerted all of her energy into integrating herself into his family helping host holidays, fixing up his garden, helping his daughter prepare a nursery, building play areas for his other grandkids, you name it rather than into reconnecting with old friends, me among them. She'd make lunch and take it to his jobsites, actually learned to operate heavy building equipment "for fun" and to assist with his projects, the list goes on.

I tried to keep in touch, but when I found that I had been excluded from an annual seasonal party she gave, but that the new guy's clan, her new neighbors, and even an old workmate neither of us had seen in year were invited, I threw in the towel. No more chatty e-mails, no more calls, no more "cheering up" cards in the post, nada.

Months later she got in touch "Have I done something to offend you? How can I make things better." and I said "Just busy these days."

It's not worth it; clearly she is one of those who will always prioritize her man over female friendships, and wants to be in a couples-only social circle. Tbh I regret using so much annual leave and other resources on her during her husband's illness. Only to find out I am low person on her pecking order.

@KosherDill

So sorry you went through that.

I get it. I also have a friend like that. Her second husband. (It started as an affair, I don't judge) but she has cut me out of a 50-year friendship.

He seems very controlling.

Ah well. Life goes on.

I've made mine fabulous. Cos it's up to me myself and I.

Oh yea, and wanting to be in a "couples only social circle"...
They see you as a threat as a single woman.

Like I'd be interested... ha! No way! 😅

Thank you so much for this reply, @FarmGirl78 . I've read it so many times and found it really soothing and I will try some of these suggestions. I feel so much better just for knowing that other people do understand and have been in similar situations.

Exactly - because surely, in a way, the whole point of doing things like that is to meet like-minded people and expand your friendship circle?

That's such a sad experience @KosherDill - I'd regret helping as well, I'd feel so passed over. The "couples-only" social life ... it has always seemed to me like a really tenuous thing? & I wondered if people get thrown from these circles and lose their 'invites' once they get divorced or their partner dies, you know.