When do you tell your children about NC?

[Mirocat]

I have a 6 year old son and we are NC with my ILs. Over the years they have been absolutely dreadful to my DH, and I don't know what we'd say to DC except that they aren't very nice.

When and what did you tell your children? We do have some lovely family on DHs side (extended family) and my family are (mostly) wonderful so DC isn't missing out. They are very perceptive but have never asked or said anything

My kids have always known

I’m NC with a family member and they understand this person made me miserable and wasn’t kind. I do tell them though that that has no bearing on their own feelings and if they wish to develop a relationship with the person when they get older I’m very happy for that to be the case.

Great post by @RudsyFarmer . I think you tell them that sometimes people dont always get along and it can be more than normal day to day stuff. Tell them it is unusual and sad but that no one has the right to be constantly mean and nasty to you.

I think it’s important to have personal boundaries. and if someone is making you miserable it can have a impact on your own family harmony. So for me it was important that my children understand you don’t have to accept shitty behaviour from others. You can’t change them but you can choose not to be complicit in the arrangement and bow out.

This doesn’t mean I hate that person. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t help them in the future if they needed me but it does mean they can no further meddle in my affairs and mess with my head.

We have just gone NC with MIL

for my older dc (10+) I’ve told them exactly why. The little ones won’t understand. The older dc can understand what MIL has said was very wrong and hurtful

We're NC with parts of DH's family including his mum, DC are aware as they've previously asked questions about his family although the NCs happened before they were born/when they were small. We've explained that not everyone is nice and that some people hurt you so badly (and see nothing wrong with hurting you) that the only way to protect yourself is to stop seeing them. We've always made it clear that it is not because of anything they (the DC) did, that the door was left open for the ILs to have a relationship with the DC but they chose not to, and again that this is down ti the ILs not the DC and its the ILs loss. We have told them that if they want to see ILs we can arrange it but they don't want to.

My kids (young adults and teen) have never met my parents and have been satisfied with the explanation that they are not nice people. One of my kids asked if I meant abusive and I said yes. I told them that they are free to contact them if they'd like but they aren't interested.

We are NC with DH’s whole family, other than a couple of them.
My family go over and above to fill the ‘gaps’.
Eldest DC has asked a few times about DH’s parents, but only in a general sense and not why we are NC.
When the time comes, we will just be honest and say they were unkind to DH and made him very sad. No need for details at their age.

We are NC with bio dad and his family and I speak about it often, since birth, making it a normal part of our family that she knows about.

I think making it normal and part of life from day one is important because being sat down for news like this can really mess with someone's head.

We're NC with most of DHs family, DC don't really remember them to be honest so it doesn't get brought up. My eldest DC has only ever asked once and I just said they weren't very nice people and sometimes not all families speak to each other, and he accepted that and just carried on with his day and has never asked again.

My mum was NC with her mum. I always knew and was just told she wasn't a nice person.
As I've got older my mum has shared more of her history with me but I k ow there's alot she hasn't told me.
I don't ever remember it being a big deal to be honest. Kids just grow up accepting the family and situation around them.

Actually my ds 7 asked me last week if he had dgps! Never cropped up before... I just said he did but we didn't see them as they aren't very nice!
He was happy with that!

Well we had a big argument after a family member shouted aggressively at my child with additional needs, after repeated explanations of their behaviour and warnings to be patient - I don't think it was a bad thing that they saw me stick up for them though. Tbh both my kids thought it was funny. I did explain that there was more background to it than that instance though and that we don't need to be around people who make us feel bad all the time.

DM fell out with various members of her family over the years (fault on both sides, all made up now), and we are NC with one of DF’s brothers who is violent (beat up DGM before I was born).

DP always just used to tell us these stories in a Horrible Histories family-lore kind of way - they didn’t sugar coat it but they were totally matter of fact that these were awful people who did outrageous things and so nobody likes them anymore. It didn’t upset us or make us worried about being cut off ourselves. I think children just accept a log of what they are told without questioning it.

We didn’t need to tell then. They’ve just grown up knowing. As they’ve gotten older I have given them the details of what happened and why we don’t speak.