To wonder why so many women ignore red flags?

[Bumbleumbo]

Would you date a man if after a few months of dating the police visited you with some shocking revelations of previous DV? It seems like a stupid question to ask really but so many women accept this shit and I can only assume it’s out of desperation or low self esteem?

8 years ago I left an abusive relationship. We shared two children and I owed it to them to get away. It took me a long time and even after I ended things he continued his campaign of abuse (still does really). He was eventually charged and convicted of some pretty serious DV incidents. I have a lifelong restraining order..you get the picture.

He moved on quickly and within a couple of months had moved in with a women with a two year old. He was electronically tagged and she risked losing her child due to social services involvement. They deemed him a risk (which he was) but she moved him in regardless. She even helped facilitate him breach his restraining order and supported him through both a criminal trial and family court hearing. According to her, I was the ‘crazy ex’ and the courts were wrong.

Fast forward several years and another child later and she found herself in my shoes. A similar pattern of abuse on all levels, police involvement, no financial support for their son and well the pattern continues…

Partner number 3 came along just as fast with him moving himself in when partner 2 changed the locks. Within weeks he had proposed, they were house hunting and planning a family. She believed that both exes were crazy and his reasons for not seeing any of his 3 children or paying child support didn’t seem to bother her. Once again things unraveled and she too reported him to the police, he’s now into number 4….

Number 4 has 4 children. Like myself and all his victims in fact, she has a successful career, owns her own house and has a lot to offer a freeloader like him. Last week she received a visit from the police after GF number 2 requested a Clair’s Law disclosure. The police wanted to know who he is now dating as under this law they can voluntarily contact new partners. They shared with her details of his previous DV and criminal convictions as well as their concerns for her and the safety of her children, but guess what, she’s still with him. I only know this because Ex number 2 updates me on a regular basis and if I’m honest I find it all a bit triggering. I can’t believe anyone in their right mind would turn a blind eye to this information. Why are some women so naive?? Does this happen a lot?

When it comes to DV, not a chance would I stick around.
But I have found myself in a position where I ignored a few pink flags at the start (nothing to do with violence or anything like that, just small things that I definitely should have acknowledged). Those pink flags have shown themselves as red flags. But I now feel like we are both in to deep emotionally. We love each other, but I’m not a healthy way. We are hurting each-other but at the same time can’t seem to stay away from each other either. Its almost like an addiction.
When we aren’t together, I can see the relationship for what it is - pretty toxic. But when we are together, we both seem to forget about all those rational things and go back into the oblivious love bubble 🤦🏻‍♀️
I’m just not strong enough to walk away. That age old thing of doing stupid things when you love someone regardless of the potential to get hurt in the process.

I agree with others who say that it all starts with the way one is parented.

Because they would rather have a man even a horrible one rather than be alone. Some women (as well as men) put their genitals first over their children's safety. They can't believe this amazing prince of a man would ever do these things. They are special he wouldn't ever do that to them. The crazy ex must have lied or she must have forced him to be violent. Some people don't give a shit about red flags when they are in "love"

Yes my ex is living with someone, who is a wealthy go, no children;, owns her own London flat etc. she has no qualms with him not paying child maintenance etc. or barely seeing his children. I've seen her dance around, trying to make him happy as he scowled at her. I don't understand it at all

Low self esteem.
Low expectations of men.
History of abuse.
Societal pressure to accept crap from men.

Tbh re the last one you only need to read Mumsnet to see it clearly. How many threads do you read describing shitty behaviour? On those threads yes you get appropriate advice but also how many posts do you read excusing it? Blaming the op? Suggesting stress? Saying talk to him (again and again and again 🙄) modify your own behaviour. It's never ending.

And the snide threads people start saying mn tells 'everyone' to leave (normally giving a ridiculous reason that has never ever got a serious 'ltb' response in the history of Mumsnet but is used to plant the idea that women are encouraged to leave great relationships because the bloke got crumbs in the butter or some such bollocks.) Followed by lectures about how relationships are hard, women shouldn't walk away, children will suffer, nobody is perfect ('nobody' always seeming to be the man oddly enough). Don't expect men to know how to use a washing machine tee hee aren't they delightfully incompetent they just don't see dirt. Oh they can't be expected to know to feed their child. Why did you go out all day? Why didn't you leave instructions?

This shit is everywhere and it's never ending.

When you ignore the small things, call them niggles or trivia, you eliminate them as issues to consider. They become normal relationship stuff, to be accepted.
So the next level up becomes the trivial niggles. So why make a fuss about it? Don't even think about it, it's fine and normal. And the next level up becomes the trivia. And so on and so forth.

And before you know it you have a woman wondering if her partner shoving her is really a big deal because he's never hit her or anything so it's not like it's 'real' abuse...

When you ignore the small things, call them niggles or trivia, you eliminate them as issues to consider. They become normal relationship stuff, to be accepted.
So the next level up becomes the trivial niggles. So why make a fuss about it? Don't even think about it, it's fine and normal. And the next level up becomes the trivia. And so on and so forth.

Death by a thousand cuts. And he doesn't even need to lift his hand. Until he does.

From my experience some of my friends want a 'project' or to be able to turn a situation around. Success rate of zero.