To ask for more help around the house!

[Purplerain1144]

I'm 33 weeks pregnant, 28y old my husband is 30y old. I work 36h a week and am struggling now with energy to do the chores around the house. I do all the washing, hoovering, clean bathroom, food shopping, washing dishes and most of the cooking. My husband will put the dishes away that I have washed the next day and cooks dinner probably 2 nights a week. We had a big row yesterday because I am fed up of it and don't think he realises how things are going to change when baby is here! Anyone else in similar situation?

Why do you do everything in the house? Is your husband disabled?

No I think we have fallen into the 'woman doing all the housework' which I hate

If things aren't changing when you're heavily pregnant they're not changing when you have the baby. Sorry OP.

Stop thinking of it as helping for a start! Draw up a list of household chores and divide them. Get a cleaner if you can afford it.

No I think we have fallen into the 'woman doing all the housework' which I hate

don't think he realises how things are going to change when baby is here!

I think it’s the opposite, you don’t realise how much things won’t change once the baby arrives. This manbaby isn’t going to suddenly pull his weight.

You’re about to add everything to do with baby to this chores list.

I never understand why women don’t resist this
from day 1, or expect it to magically change years down the line.

In our house, unless it specifically needs a vagina or penis to do it, everyone does it.

He's not going to change when the baby comes.

Instead you'll be trying to do it all while also caring for a baby.

Tell him that someone you were chatting to thought he must be disabled because he contributes so little.

Then divide up the chores. Make it clear that things need to change and that this is a dealbreaker.

I hope you’re planning to go back to work

You are being unreasonable in that you refer to it as trying to persuade him into helping you, rather than doing the work around the house that he is responsible for, which as he is 50% of the adults, is 50%.

Things will change when the baby is here, but only in that you will be doing ten times the work you are now while being more tired than you ever imagined possible, while dragging a man shaped dead weight.

It's not "helping." It's his house too.

Things won't change when you have the baby.

You'll just add all childcare to the list of 'womens' work.

STOP thinking of it as helping. You're not him Mum and he's not 8. He is a grown adult living with a partner who works full time AND he gets 90% of the domestic stuff done for him!!

It isn't helping because it isn't your responsibility to keep house.
But it isn't going to change with the baby, you will still be doing everything and looking after a baby as well.
You have a lazy partner and by doing everything you have enabled him.
Why would he change his behavior now?

Write up a list of everything that needs doing and how often and then sit down with him and divide it up fairly. Then also explain to him for the first few weeks after the baby is born he will need to do all of it as you will be recovering from the birth and caring and feeding a newborn. That's all you can do, and hope for the best (do not do his jobs though). This type of behaviour destroys marriages, and he needs to understand that asap.
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Definitely get this nipped in the bud now OP. Soon you'll be home on maternity leave and he'll feel that the house and parenting are entirely your job and he will have a free pass to do nothing at home because "he works hard all week". And then if you go back to work after maternity leave, you'll work, sort the house and do all the parenting and he'll have a jolly old time. It's not "helping" when it's your own house, so don't ask him for help, tell him he needs to step up and take responsibility like the grown up he should be. Good luck!

You need to reframe this totally !

You are a heavily pregnant person, working full time, and doing 100% of domestic chores.

He is a healthy person, working full time, doing FUCK ALL household chores.

You BOTH live there, and are BOTH adults, both working.
You BOTH contribute to making a 'mess'.
You BOTH eat, so need food bought/cooked, and use plates/cutlery etc
You BOTH wear clothes, which need washing/ironing.

So exactly WHY does he think it's YOUR 'job' to be his fucking Mummy ??

He DOESN'T need 'looked after', he's NOT disabled in any way, so why the fuck are you running yourself ragged, while heavily pregnant, and accepting it ????

It's NOT fucking 'help', because it's NOT YOUR JOB !!! (You go to work and get PAID for your JOB FFS !!)

Right now your primary job is to grow a baby. After that your primary job is to care for the baby. I didn't change a single nappy for weeks after Dd1 was born, I fed and napped and DH did nearly everything else. Often the roles for the rest of your marriage get fixed while you're on mat leave, make sure he is expected to pull his weight and you're not the default parent when he's home.

He's not going to change when the baby arrives. He needs to be doing at least 50% now and accept that some days it will have to be much more than 50%. It might be the chores that you find difficult because you're pregnant rather than the easiest ones eg ironing because it's hot.

Have the conversation now calmly. If you wait until the baby is born in the hopes that he steps up then the risk it turning into a massive argument because you'll be sleep deprived and will have gotten to the point where you explode because you thought he'd realise and step up.

Yeah this isn’t going to get better on it’s own. TBh I’m not sure that a man watching his heavily pregnant wife doing everything and doesn’t go “leave it love, I’ll do that” is going to care frankly how tired you are when the baby is here. Honestly I would have asked DH if his fricking arms had fallen way before having a baby

Men like this rarely change. I’m not trying to be negative, it’s just that you see it over and over on mumsnet 💐 it’s shit and you deserve better.

Don't ask him to "help"
Ask him to pull his weight and do his share which is at LEAST 50% until you have the baby, and close to 100% immediately afterwards.

We had a big row yesterday

Why? Does he think it's all your job? Because that's the only reason he'd be arguing. And that means you picked a dud.

Divide everything down the middle and split it equally between you.

Solution; stop doing it.

'Women's jobs' around the house are massively outdated and gross. Childcare will soon be added to the list.

‘Asking’ for ‘help’ is the wrong phrasing to start with. Is it not his home too? If so he needs to step up and do his share. Doing his fare share is not ‘helping’ you, it’s doing the bare minimum.

It’s not help, he’s an adult with 50% responsibility. Why on earth have you put up with this long enough to be impregnated by him?!

Once the baby is here, you’ll be stuck with all the housework plus all the childcare responsibilities.