To be annoyed that Mother keeps bringing up deceased sister when talking about my pregnancy?

[Starlight2021]

I’m expecting my first and doing it solo. I’ve asked my Mum to be at the C-section buuuuut …. Think I’ve made a mistake….
for context, overall we have a good relationship, usual niggles on both sides. She has always been on the selfish side, had a difficult life and everything revolves around her which I can somewhat understand.
Anyway, every conversation regarding my pregnancy is brought back to her first DD, my sister, who passed away as a toddler and it’s making me really uncomfortable. She also only talks about how nervous she is and how she will handle the C-section. No mention of how I’m feeling or what I might need from her on the day.
it’s driving me insane and no matter how much I try to rationalise it, I can see why she is doing it but can’t accept it .

You need a different birth partner, someone focused on you.

It's clear she is processing your sister's death because of the new life. And that's OK and natural. But your needs at the birth of your child have to come first.

Have you considered a doula?

Do your c section by yourself. She will only stress you out. Or do you have a friend you could ask?

I'd tell her that since she's so nervous and potentially worried to forget it & ask a friend. It doesn't sound like she'll be able to provide the support you need

You do not need someone making your child's birth all about them.

Birth is stressful enough, withdraw the offer. If you have someone else great or not but can afford it hire a doula.

She will never change.

It sounds like you both think you've made a mistake by asking your mum to be present at your C-section and her agreeing. Obviously, you need to be the focus of attention at such an important event; it may be that your mum feels she would be unable to cope. The loss of a child must be devastating, so if you have anyone else you could ask, you could say to your mum that you hadn't realised the effect asking her to be present would have on her and you release her from the obligation. You have to accept she is suffering from understandable distress. How you deal with it is your choice. I'm sure she doesn't want to let you down, but if this is bringing back memories for her, then it's not doing either of you any favours. If you can, ask someone else. If you haven't got anyone else to ask, I believe you need to adapt the arrangements you have made with your mum to something where you can both be comfortable. You don't want to look back and think "if only". Have the discussion with her; you can't leave things as they are.

I'm really sorry, this sounds very stressful and disappointing. I'm sure your mother loves you but she may be ill-equipped to be able to support you in this way. Do you have anyone else? It's unfortunate but you may have to accept that she is not the best choice rather than being affected negatively during an event where everyone needs to be focused entirely on your best interests. And try not to blame her, we don't all have fully capable parents.

She's making your delivery all about her which is not fair. My Mum is the same and l wouldn't have her anywhere near me!

When I had my first it obviously brought up lots of unresolved emotion. It made everything very hard.

She couldn’t get past it at the time and it made everything very complicated. It wasn’t her fault, but that didn’t make it easier.

I had a very supportive husband, who acted as a buffer, but you don’t have that. You need to look after yourself. And you might need to find another birth partner.

Sorry this is so hard for you.

@CactusBlossom has it right.

Do you have a friend (maybe one who is a mum) who could be with you for the birth?

Thanks so much everyone, your responses make so much sense
I know there are no victims or villains in this, just that she is ill equipped to handle the situation and maybe my expectations have brought out all this anxiety in her.
I do love her but think the best thing is to change partners, I have a great friend who has said they will be there for it