Asking hubby to help me more and give me rest

[098guest]

Hi everyone,

I have asked my husband to help out more around the house, taking care of the kids (that we homeschool) and to give me a few hours of rest some evenings a week. Which he has flat out refused to do because he works self employed. And if i wanted help i could get a cleaner but i have to pay for it myself. I just want to check if i am being unfair to him...

So a bit of back story....
I was pregnant with my 5th child in 2021,, wasn't very well and developed a chest infection. This then turned into pneumonia and then on top of this i caught covid. Throughout the illness I was trying to keep going and look after the family, i felt so bad i bought cannisters of oxygen because i couldn't breathe. I ended up being bluelighted into hospital. I don't really remember much else because I had to have an emergency cesarean 1.5 months early and then i was put in an induced coma for 5 weeks. They put a DNR on me. I wasn't expected to make it. When i woke up i had to relearn how to breathe on my own, talk properly (get tongue tied easily), eat/ swallow foods and walk. It is estimated that i lost 70% of my muscle mass. In weight i lost over 3 stone.
To say it's been a mountain to climb is an understatement. When i got out of hospital, my husband went straight back to work. Due to my in abilities we decided that we would take the children out of school to prevent me or the baby catching covid again and i am really lucky that My mum was able to take care of me for 3 months. She helped me to walk again without her i would still be in my wheelchair. i started suffering migraines which brought on temporary blindness and struggled with most of my day to day life.

I am now 5 months out of my coma, and i am walking unaided again. But my husband expects me to raise and educate our 5 children alone. Have the house and laundry clean all the time and have a good meal cooked ready and waiting for whatever time of day or night he comes home. I have no right to "his" money for hiring a cleaner or nanny and I don't have a job/earn because I'm a stay at home mum. I pay for everything using our tax credits and child benefit. And that's hard as it is.

I can now walk up the stairs but it takes a lot out of me. For the last few months I have been trying to cope with everything on myown. But I am in constant pain and exhausted. Now i have reached a point of leave or put up with it.

So, internet am i unreasonable to ask for extra help?

You must know you're not unreasonable?

Do your kids want to be home educated?

I'd get them back to school then start thinking about what you're willing to tolerate in your relationship

No. Your husband is an absolute cunt. You nearly died and were wheelchair bound, and continue to struggle, yet he cant give you a few hours to yourself. Put the children back to school - it will be better ultimately for all of you, as you can't even get a minutes breather during the day with 5 kids, and then make plans to exit your marriage

You leave. As soon as possible.

He has not only not helped when you needed it, he has used your illness to control and financially abuse you.

Acting like an arsehole and in at all hours scream affair to me. Is that a possibility?

Either way, leaving is the only thing because he won't change.

You would be better off for physical support and financially if you divorced him. He's abusive - physically by leaving you to struggle, emotionally and financially. I'm sorry to hear of this cruel treatment by someone who is supposed to care for you. Nasty man. Best wishes for your recovery. P.S get those kids back into school for all your sakes.

Kids back to school in September.

You poor thing x

1. leave, or - better - kick him out
2. send your kids back to school (the covid damage is done. Keeping them at home is having a negative affect rather than a positive one)
3. contact social services and ask for a family assessment. You might be entitled to support you’re not yet aware of
4. focus on you and your recovery

If he is any kind of father, he’ll have them for 2-3 nights a week and you’ll get more time to yourself without having to deal with his crap. I suspect your recovery will be much quicker without him.

As others have said.

Kick him out and get the kids back into school.

Leave. Claim child support from him. Claim PIP/ESA to help you hire some help and put the kids back into school. Youve pretty much described my EX DH and my experience after giving birth( although i was no where near as ill as you i was in hospital 6 weeks and nearly died) my life was 100 percent easier without him and I was much better off financially too. Your mum sounds lovely, could she help in the meantime, just till you get on your feet?

I don’t know where to begin to be honest.

• You’re in an abusive relationship- financial abuse and being treated like a subhuman machine servant.


• You need to get the DC back into school. You’ve been gaslit into thinking “your vulnerabilities” and the DC in school caused your collapse and coma when it was actually you being worked half almost death when you were seriously ill with pneumonia, covid and pregnant.


• He’s not going to “help” which is really lift a finger because he has you under his thumb.

You need to call Womens Aid and start looking on escape plans for you and the DC. This man may not be beating you, but he pushed you and overworked you until you very nearly died. He doesn’t give two shits about you.

What does he say if you say you need to go back to work to earn ans so you will need to split the childcare costs as they are both your children?

Agree with everyone else. Get him gone. Get the financial support you are entitled to including maintenance and build yourself up. You can do this. The kids need to go to school. You are just piling unnecessary pressure on yourself there

He’s an arsehole. You wouldn’t treat a friend like this would you and he’s meant to be your husband! 😳

Send the kids back to school in sept. Get yourself physically and mentally stronger using the time you’ll have to yourself and leave him. You certainly won’t be any worse off financially or help wise - you’re doing it all yourself anyway!

1. Plan for children to go back to school in September
2. Make copies of all the financial documents you can especially ones that confirm how much your husband earns as self employed ex partners often hide their true earnings to avoid paying the full amount of child maintenance.
3. Contact womens aid they will give advice and support ( as you've suffered from domestic violence ( at the very least financial abuse ) you should be eligible for legal aid. Find a solicitor that accepts legal aid and start the process.
4. Depending on the ages of your children can they help out with some basic chores so that you can get the rest you need to recover fully.
5. You have been through a major ordeal both physically and mentally so at some point you may want/need to take your feelings through about this.
6. Keep in touch on mumsnet as there is always a wealth of support and advice on here.

Wish you all the very best xx

• should say talk your feelings through not take

Your kids need to get back into school.

You need to make plans to leave.

• children need to go back to school
• you need to be fully vaccinated if you aren't already
• husband needs to stop be a dick
• can you look into any disability benefit payments?

I've read some horrific things on this board but this is truly horrifying!

This is abuse OP. Nothing more or less.

If your partner won't help you in your most needy state, what are they even for?

I hope this is a joke. That is no husband or no man for that matter, that is a little immature bully who isn't worth your time. Disgusting attitude and behaviour towards you

Oh OP, you are a warrior. But this is domestic abuse.

Speak to women’s aid. Speak to your health visitors.

Send your kids back to school ASAP.

Make plans to leave, you will be entitled to financial support. Women’s aid can advise you on this.

Put the dc back into school for September. That’s just crazy that he’s not supporting you at all. You’re 5 months out of a coma, ffs!

You are physically and mentally recovering from a near death experience. Thank God you came through and are healing. You only have one life and you deserve to be supported, respected and for your partner to have your back.
You are experiencing financial abuse. Expecting you to come out of hospital and straight back to all your chores is inhumane. I would be sending kids back to school, and really thinking about what you want the rest of your life to look like. He will rub you into the ground and the stress will be impeding your recovery.
Good luck making big decisions. Your husband is absolute scum of the earth.
I have a health condition and I've been housebound the last 2 months (nothing like as serious as your health emergency). My self employed partner has made 90% of meals, all dishes, all shopping and taken my son out loads to play during this time. I do what I can with housework and childcare. This is what a partnership is, we look after each other. I say this only so to emphasise how terrible your husband is acting, and how some men are capable, caring people. Sending you lots of love and healing x

I usually read responses on threads and think that at least half the posters are overly hysterical and frankly extreme. I'm this case though, everyone is sadly completely correct. You deserve so much more than this treatment, I hope you are able to make a better life for yourself in the future.

I understand the risks of getting I'll again, but I wonder whether the benefits of getting the older children back in school from sept outweigh those. It also sounds like you might be eligible for pip payments or similar with how much you struggle.

You are in a horrifically abusive relationship and you really need to leave!!

This 👌🏾