to not let them visit for longer...?

[WixNaf]

I'm due to have a baby in a few weeks by c section. It's been a very long, hard journey to get here with years of pregnancy losses (both late and early) and I still don't feel confident that I'm going to get to take this baby home, so I know if/when I do that it's going to be an extremely emotional time.

My parents live a long distance away (other end of the country) so we only see them a few times a year. Obviously I want them to visit once baby is here, but I'm also very aware of the fact that I'm going to want space and time for us to just 'be' as a family of four (we have one older child) without having to think about visitors. They told me they were going to book for a week long visit from the date of my section. I asked could they please make it five days instead, and explained why. There are other family members who want to visit over the summer holidays too, and I want to make sure there's space between visitors. They seem to have taken great offence to this and now keep making sly digs about their 'short visit' in an attempt to make me feel guilty about this.

I know that it's a hard situation, because my in laws live close by so can just pop in for an hour once baby is here and then leave us alone for a week, whereas it's more complicated with my parents' situation. For context, they stay in a hotel so we wouldn't have to see them 24/7, but we would still feel obliged to see them every day that they're here. They also tend to stay out drinking really late every time they're over here, and then end up coming round to our house late morning and just sitting on their phones scrolling through Facebook (watching every single video on their timeline on full volume!!), playing games on their phones or falling asleep, while my older child attempts to get them to play with him. I find it all very stressful. They say they're going to take my older child out every day to give me a rest while the baby is here, but I also want him to have some time at home with us in those early days.

I've invited them to come and visit again in September (we can only travel to them in school holidays so have booked to go to theirs in October half term) but they made excuses about why they can't do that and how they'll need to 'make the most of their very short August visit instead'.

I just don't need this extra stress and guilt right now!

No you don’t need the stress, and that is exactly what I would be telling them….

Make it very clear that them visiting might suit them but it doesn’t suit you or your family. You are having a C-section and will need time to recover. And they don’t sound like they offer much support…

I would push for the September visit, and say that a visit in August really doesn’t work for you.

If they insist on coming, and you really can’t stop them, then be clear that they can only spend an hour at your house as you want this time to bond as a family and aren’t having visitors. And you will see them in October

@WixNaf you need to be firm and clear from now on about what it is that you want.

And set whatever visiting hours you want! Tell them firmly, you are welcome to visit 11-1pm or whatever, have a light lunch with them and that's it. But they need to know all this in advance.

I don't think you can dictate how long they choose to book into the hotel for, but you can definitely limit the amount of time you spend with them when they're visiting.

There is no law that says you have to host them every day.

Tell them now which days they can visit and for how long and get your DH onboard to chivvy them out when they've out stayed their welcome.

If they're your parents, surely you can be direct with them?

Thanks for the replies. It is reassuring to know I'm not being selfish. My mum has a way of making me feel like I'm being massively unreasonable.

@FatBettyintheCoop I've tried being direct (about this and other issues) but they either ignore it, or my mum will completely over react, have a big tantrum and hold a grudge for ages. It's exhausting. I never realised how difficult they were until I met my in laws and saw how reasonable and understanding they are!

My dad used to be a sulker and my mum used to pander to him but he soon realised that adult me wouldn't take his nonsense and he was very agreeable with me after I stood up to him.

Your mum obviously has a pattern of acting like a spoilt brat to get her own way so you need to retrain her every single time she strops and be very firm.

So what if she ignores you for months? win:win.

She's no longer the Boss of you and make it clear to her that you won't tolerate her childish behaviour. You've got your own children for that. 😂

As you they are not staying with you, I don’t think you get a say in how long they book a hotel for, so I don’t think you should have told them to change from seven nights to five nights. But you can control how often they visit you or you meet up, so I would look to manage that.

Yes I mean if they want to book a hotel for 7 days they can. They don't have to see you each day though. You could even use it to your advantage and have a break from them in the middle.

Mine were/are similar, tantrums and phone being put down if I asked them not to stay for so long (due to ‘d’m’s drinking) Bloody awful tantrums and not speaking to us for months. So boring. It’s tricky if they’re staying in a hotel, you can’t really tell them to book for less time. You do need to manage when they come/leave your house, tho, so tell them when they can come/when they have to leave, it’s your house, you’ll be tired and you want family time, perfectly reasonable, imo. .

I can't stand this sort of entitled bullying.

I would tell them to cancel their visit and come again much later in the year so they can stay 7 days and not be a burden.

When I had my 3 ds both ILs and parents were insistent on 'meeting the new baby'. I accommodated it each time thinking it was the start of a wonderful relationship between grandparents and our children.

Was it bollocks.

Your poor parents

They are not staying with you. They want to help you by taking your older child out for a while each day. They seem to understand that you will not be treating them like guests who need to be entertained. You could on some days be sleeping when they arrive to take your older child out, leaving the handover to DH. And surely you can suggest that they bring food for lunch or dinner (& cook it) if they want to be there during some meal times. I think you could direct this visit without creating work for anybody but your parents, who seem to understand how busy life is wIth a new baby. If they hadn’t wanted to come, maybe you would have felt that they weren’t interested in your new baby.