To ask your opinion - conceiving?

[ElleBelleLou]

I've been having some very honest and frank discussions with my partner recently around trying for my first baby (he has an 8 year old from a previous relationship, I have no children).
We fell pregnant in February but sadly miscarried in March, and I had a chemical pregnancy in May and have now gone onto the pill to have a break from trying to conceive and try soothe my mental health a little bit.
That's a little bit of an irrelevant back story but it has got me thinking...

I am at a strange point in my life where some of my friends are still living at home with their parents, others are married with multiple children, some are travelling the world and some would drop dead with shock at the idea of having a child or getting married at the moment.

I know it is down to individual couples, circumstances, wants etc, but I was wondering what what is the ideal age you would think 'yep, right time to have a baby' compared to 'oh my god you're having a baby?!'

Personally, my best friend got married at 22 and had her first baby at 23 which seemed worlds apart from where I was in my life, but I also always thought I would have my first child by 28 and have been married a few years.

Interested to hear thoughts! (Posted here for traffic)

There is no 'right time' it's dependent on each person's personal situation and whether they feel ready or not

Some say there is never the right time

It's individual.

The end.

Sorry for your losses.

The right time is different for everybody in terms of age. The right time is when you are ready to give up the partying and being spontaneous. The right time is when you are reasonably secure in terms of finances and housing options and you and your partner are both on the same page.

I was 19 when I met DH, 24 when we married, 26 when my first was born and am now expecting my second (and last) now at 28. DH same age as me.

We were fortunate to find ourselves in a good spot at 25 with our own home and a secure job each so we didn't see any point in waiting. Better to get it out the way on our view do we're still quite young when they become independent.

Sorry for your losses OP. How old are you now? How long have you been with your partner? Everyone has different circumstances and needs.

I'm not religious, but wanted to be married before TTC and financially secure. We were together 9 yrs before getting married. I was age 32 and started TTC. 12yrs on, 3 losses, 2 rounds of IVF and still no children! I wrongly assumed that started TTC in my early 30's would be fine.

Only you and your partner know what its right.

The right time for me was when I had the following things;

1. Married (to a good man)
2. Owned our own home, big enough to raise our planned family in
3. A few years worked at a senior level so I wasn't trying to prove myself after maternity leave
4. A joint income that could support our family, particularly during expensive nursery years
5. Enough money jointly saved to weather the financial hit of maternity leave

I realise I was fortunate to be able to achieve those things before I started my family, but those were the things I focused on while resisting starting a family in my broody 20's!

Completely understand it's individual, I just find it very interesting that some people would hear of someone having a child at 21 and think it's the end of the world (my DG for example), whereas others would hear the news of someone having a child at 21 and feel no judgement and just happiness if that is what they wanted. Maybe it's a generational thing?

@OwlinaTree thank you, you're very right! That makes a lot of sense, as at 22 my best friend had been living with her partner a while and together I think 3 years whereas I was working in nightclubs and living at home, so both in very different times in our lives which definitely affected our attitude towards conceiving at that age.

@CoalCraft that sounds lovely - when I was a little girl imagining my future it looked like yours! Congratulations x

The right time is dependent on circumstance. For example, we are unmarried and expecting, but wasn't a huge shock to anybody as we've been together for a long time and are living together in our forever home. An older couple got pregnant and that was met with much greater shock because they weren't living together and had only been seeing each other a few months!

But I totally get your post. This really really annoys me and comes down to social pressure and basically nosey fuckers speaking about things that shouldn't concern them. I hate that we spend so long trying not to get pregnant because "it's not acceptable age for me" and then one day u reach a point where society deems it acceptable, everyone is asking when you are going to have a baby and the window for it happen has been greatly reduced!

I'm early 30s and like you all my friends are at completely different stages in their lives and I love it. There is nobody doing it the right way or the wrong way and society's pressures have reduced than when we were in our 20s and were supposed to be living a certain way (college, partner, job...)! Health and happiness are most important!

@MarmiteCoriander Thank you. I don't want to give my age (worried about being a bit outing compared with my previous posts and I know a good few people on Mumsnet) but I am older than 27 and younger than 35 🙂
I've been with my partner 2 years, but we have known each other for 9 - just never thought we stood a chance with each other and took an embarrassing amount of time to get round to it!

Bless you, I am sorry to hear you're having a hard journey, I hope you get what you want soon! Marriage is a funny one, it's never something I have been 100% sure I wanted (though I have always wanted to be engaged funnily enough!) whereas I have always been confident I wanted to be a mum x

@HappyAsASandboy I like that checklist! Especially number 3 - I am currently a year into a management role and when I conceived in February even though I was so happy, part of me was worrying I hadn't done enough before I'd be going onto maternity. It didn't work out that way, but hey ho!

I suppose it is actually less an age thing and more a circumstance thing, I just feel like there's still a bit of a stigma around maybe 25 and younger having a child even if they are stable homeowners in a loving relationship

There is no ideal time! We got pregnant once we had enough for a deposit on a house, started looking at houses while I was pregnant and then bam! Covid hit, prices have no sky rocketed and we now have no where near enough for a deposit, so in hindsight, not the best time to have a baby, but we didn't know covid would happen and have the affect it did. Life is crazy and messy, you have to live in the moment (mostly!) and do what feels right at the time, or you'll be waiting forever.

I depends on your circumstances. Personally I think slightly too early is better than slightly too late.

@Confusion101 That's exactly it - my grandma went from 'you better not be pregnant' every time I visited them to 'when are you going to give me a grandchild?' almost overnight it felt! And I still remember girls at my school being bullied when they were pregnant at 16 - 17, which makes me so sad looking back as they will have needed support more than judgement. Completely agree health and happiness comes first!

@Mommabear20 LOVE your nickname - I have my DM saved as Momma Bear in my phone! Bless you - completely agree with living in the moment though, we never know what's round the corner and if you know what you want you know what you want!

Agree that there is no ideal time. I had my 1st at 21 and 2nd soon after, which felt completely right although others might have thought the circumstances less than ideal. God willing, my 3rd will be arriving when I'm 40. On paper, I am in a far mor secure place now for a baby, am settled and financially secure, but it has taken far more adjusting to the thought of having a baby at my age.

This was pretty much our list too. Plus “go on at least one really nice holiday”.

Dd was conceived in the Maldives.

@Wouldloveanother slightly too early is right, and something my partner feels very strongly about - I suppose from a medical etc perspective it's bang on.

@Maggit How did you find reactions when you had your first and second? In general were people happy for you or do you think there was judgement / stigma around your age? My DM had my younger brother at 41, and I remember being so happy and seeing nothing wrong with her being pregnant at that age, but then when she broke the news I do remember one of her friends reactions was that of pure horror - I couldn't understand why at all!

If you're in your late 20s and in position to have kids and you know you want them then just do it, you don't know how long it may take or what issues you may find