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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think its just friends?

14 replies

Desperado99 · 23/07/2022 10:23

Met a guy last november
we dated a couple of months
we slept together and it went wrong very fast after this - whole attitude changed, it became clear he was emotionally unavailable and had to deal with his divorce (no kids)
i just accepted it was a given it was a non starter and pulled back - he text to break up with me later that week ‘its not you its me’ and I just said no worries and that was the end of it. Nil contact since

not a great situation but you live and learn

anyway I came up on his ‘friends you may know’ on instagram - he sent me a message via instagram. Nothing sleazy, leading or heavy it seemed genuine ‘nice to see you on instagram and I seen you driving last week’. I have messaged a few times back and forward and all of its been very superficial pleasant ‘catch up’ chat. We did have a great connection; but he was going through a divorce and I think it was best to end things romantically when we did at that point. His heart was not in it.

this has been going on a couple of weeks - am Aibu to think he is genuine in catching up with somone or could there be more at play here?

he has not asked to meet up and I would not put myself in a position to have sex with him the way things ended

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 23/07/2022 10:26

Maybe he's lost friends through the divorce so is building a friendship group / support network not connected with his ex?

GreenManalishi · 23/07/2022 10:28

If a bloke is interested in you, you'll know about it. They will make it really clear. If he's got you guessing, leave it alone.

Original poster
Desperado99 · 23/07/2022 10:30

Onlyforcake · 23/07/2022 10:26

Maybe he's lost friends through the divorce so is building a friendship group / support network not connected with his ex?

Could be - i tried to stay out of really being taking in by anything that he said about them both and their marriage - it became apparent how raw it was the longer we dated.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 23/07/2022 10:31

He's keeping you on the back burner for a possible future shag, or ego stroke. He isn't a friend, he wasn't a good boyfriend. How old is he?

Original poster
Desperado99 · 23/07/2022 10:31

GreenManalishi · 23/07/2022 10:28

If a bloke is interested in you, you'll know about it. They will make it really clear. If he's got you guessing, leave it alone.

Yep i thought as much - i think he does genuinely just want to be friends ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperado99 · 23/07/2022 10:32

Ponoka7 · 23/07/2022 10:31

He's keeping you on the back burner for a possible future shag, or ego stroke. He isn't a friend, he wasn't a good boyfriend. How old is he?

36

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 23/07/2022 10:37

At 36 you should know if you are ready for another relationship. He wasn't but didn't consider the person who he was testing this out on. He could have had a no strings hook up from any site, instead he's used you. Your needs don't matter to him. He doesn't care about the hurt he might leave behind.

Topcat9876 · 23/07/2022 10:40

Ponoka7 · 23/07/2022 10:37

At 36 you should know if you are ready for another relationship. He wasn't but didn't consider the person who he was testing this out on. He could have had a no strings hook up from any site, instead he's used you. Your needs don't matter to him. He doesn't care about the hurt he might leave behind.

Yep
I think he felt fairly bad about it
I did not deserve it

Should I block him?

Ponoka7 · 23/07/2022 10:42

Do you know why the divorce is happening? What I've found, I'm in my middle 50's, is some men like to have women who will tell them things like 'she wasn't for you', 'it's for the best you've split', when they fuck up again. They create this circle. Think about the definition of friendship and think about what he needs to do before you consider him a friend. Don't fall into a friends with benefits type situation, unless it's what you want. You've assumed that his issues stem from his divorce. That might not be the case.

Ponoka7 · 23/07/2022 10:45

Have a think about what you'll get out of chatting to him. It could cut you off from finding someone else because you're hoping that something will come from it. Personally I'd cut contact.

Topcat9876 · 23/07/2022 10:46

Ponoka7 · 23/07/2022 10:42

Do you know why the divorce is happening? What I've found, I'm in my middle 50's, is some men like to have women who will tell them things like 'she wasn't for you', 'it's for the best you've split', when they fuck up again. They create this circle. Think about the definition of friendship and think about what he needs to do before you consider him a friend. Don't fall into a friends with benefits type situation, unless it's what you want. You've assumed that his issues stem from his divorce. That might not be the case.

I voiced quite the opposite
I refused to get into any details regarding her and said I have never met her and do not know her - so I would like to refrain from any judgement.

Topcat9876 · 23/07/2022 10:47

Ponoka7 · 23/07/2022 10:42

Do you know why the divorce is happening? What I've found, I'm in my middle 50's, is some men like to have women who will tell them things like 'she wasn't for you', 'it's for the best you've split', when they fuck up again. They create this circle. Think about the definition of friendship and think about what he needs to do before you consider him a friend. Don't fall into a friends with benefits type situation, unless it's what you want. You've assumed that his issues stem from his divorce. That might not be the case.

He said the divorce was 'mutual'

SmellyWellyWoo · 23/07/2022 11:53

He wants to make you an option, nothing more. Been there, done that with several different men. It's easy to get pulled into the facade.

Heroicallyl0st · 23/07/2022 11:55

Desperado99 · 23/07/2022 10:31

Yep i thought as much - i think he does genuinely just want to be friends ❤️

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