Partner chatted up by male waiter in restaurant

[Sishirunak]

We went out for a meal, and the youngish male waiter was very chatty but he kept on putting his hand on my partner's back or shoulder whilst he was speaking, he did it several times. Whenever he spoke he didn't really look much at me, just stood right next to my partner and only really focusing on him.
He then winked at my partner at one point. Then when we left the server said to him 'Bye handsome' in his language, which I understand as I speak some of it. I just got a 'bye'.
We found it funny but at the same time my partner seemed uncomfortable about it and I can understand why. We had walked in together holding hands so it was clear we were a couple.

I just keep thinking about if it had been a male waiter doing that to a female and how it would have been deemed more unacceptable.
To do it right in front of me too,some people are so brazen about it.
Has this happened to anyone else? I'd have told a waiter to get their hands off me if he kept touching me.

Sounds inappropriate, if I were your dp I would have hated that.

I just keep thinking about if it had been a male waiter doing that to a female and how it would have been deemed more unacceptable.

Hollow laugh. No, not in my experience.

He was bloody rude and inappropriate. Do you know his name? I would complain to the restaurant to be honest.
Men get away with this so so much and I shared a flat once with a gay man who said being gay let's him get away with this kind of thing even more. He thought it funny.

Complain to the restaurant.

I don’t know whether it would have been any more unacceptable but it certainly would be unacceptable. I would have told them to stop if a waiter was behaving like that towards me.

We don't know his name, I will ask my partner if he would consider complaining though as that's a thought.
Sadly I do think men get away with this more.

I despise being touched by people I don't know and agree the waiter massively crossed the line. 'bye handsome' right in front of me too, how uncomfortable for my partner and disrespectful to me

It isn’t something I would give any headspace to after the fact. And no, it wouldn’t be more unacceptable if it were a woman, women have had men flirting with them since time began and have had to deal with it.

That’s awful, definitely worth a complaint to the restaurant. Waiters should not be touching customers at all.

You don’t need to know the name. The restaurant will know who was working and you can tell them what he looked like.

I know my partner isn't the sort to complain but I will definitely ask him today if he'd consider it. It might at least stop that waiter doing it with other customers. Slimy creep. He kept doing that clicking thing with his tongue too

I agree I wouldn’t give it so much headspace.

Are you really bothered by the fact the waiter chatted him up? Or is it actually that you’re more bothered by the fact your partner did nothing about it?

Was your partner bothered?

No my partner doesn't have to do anything about it, I just wonder how much this is happening and I just find it gross how these people think they can get away with it and people are maybe too scared to speak out against them

I waited tables for years when I was younger and never once put my hands on any customer/guest and made comments such as “handsome”. Totally inappropriate, & completely creepy!

I’d definitely contact the restaurant about it though. One day this waiter might do the same and get some hostile/violent responses. Seems a bit extreme I know but there’s some homophobic men out there who would flip at another man doing this to them.

Yeah exactly, one day he'll get a fist in his direction if he tries it with the wrong person

Well, it's not quite the same as a man trying it on with a woman, is it?

Size & strength differential and male on female sexual assault rates, for example.

I don’t think that’s relevant. Wether it was a man or a woman displaying unwanted behaviour, no one in this situation was at any real risk of coming to physical harm in the middle of a busy restaurant.

People touching other people in a flirtatious way is unacceptable when it’s unwanted whatever the sexes of the people involved. It’s not fair to downplay me experiences of this just because the average man is bigger than the average woman. We don’t all fit into averages so it’s far from a given that the men will always be more physically powerful than a woman and the horrible man in the situation mistreating another man instead of a woman is still not ok.

"These people"?

Complain. Not only will it hopefully stop the behaviour, but as you note, could save the waiter being thumped.

Doesn't take much to rattle your cage does it....? 🙄

My cage is rattle free thanks, I WD40':d it this morning.

Actually this has happened to me before. Mexican style restaurant and a very flamboyant gay man was our server, flirting with my husband whenever he could get the chance. He was quite funny actually. We just laughed it off

WD40 is not designed to be a lubricant.

(Just to derail the thread further).

I probably would've laughed about it