Guest inviting more guests

[yesterdaysbread]

My DS birthday this weekend, having a small family bbq plus a couple of friends, total number of guests 11. BIL asked if he could bring a couple of friends who we know and who have been kind to DS, we said yes. Next minute BIL has arranged to bring 6 friends including 2 I’ve never met.

I want to be easygoing and welcoming, but the reality is it’s 4 more people to feed, water, share a toilet, etc (though BIL has offered to bring stuff) as well as the fact the balance of the party will be off as a large proportion of guests would be effectively BILs guests.

I’ve asked DH to call him and tell him no, but I’m feeling bad…I don’t want to upset anyone but feel angry with BIL for creating a problem on DS birthday.

Was I BU to say no and should I just have let them all come?

How very rude of him!

Don’t feel bad at all.

Have DH text BIL and say it’s getting a bit out of control so you would prefer for it to be family only.

BIL is at liberty to have a bbq on his own time, he is just off loading the ‘wife work’ on to you.

No... that's rude. Tell him or get your husband to tell him.

Thank you all for the reassurance! I was feeling so torn but glad you all agree it is rude. Honestly want to ask him what the hell he was thinking

If your BIL wants to entertain and have friends over then he needs to throw his own party and not hijack his nephew's event.

Your BIL is beyond rude.

Yanbu . 3 is fine 6 is just rude, and 2 that you haven't even met is even worse. This is your ds birthday and you want to keep it focused on him.

No, 1 or 2 extra guests who you know is a completely different prospect from expanding the guest list by 50% and adding randomers who’ve never met the person the party is for!

He's a CF of the highest order. Asking to bring 2 more guests is rude regardless of whether you know them or not, parlaying it up to 6 to include 2 total strangers is just not acceptable.

Tell the cheeky fucker to have his own bbq and invite his friends to that!

Haha yes he is a CF! I reckon it’s a bit of an ego trip disguised as being ‘inclusive’

Tell him to host his own bloody party, this one is for DS. Cheeky sod. Never feel bad about saying no to blatant piss taking.

This is so rude. I have a pretty open house but 2 randoms I've never met on DS birthday - em no! Tell him to beat it.

Happy birthday to your DS (also my DS's birthday this weekend and we are having a family BBQ 😁).

What a cheek!

You can guarantee that if you let BIL bring six people, he’ll end up taking over the event and it’ll be all about him and not your DS. You’ll be upset and angry that you let that happen. It’s a day for DS and not your bloody BIL. Tell him to sod off.

Thank you all for your replies, I’ve gone from feeling crappy and guilty to totally justified! 😂

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal thank you and happy birthday to your DS too! Enjoy your bbq and may it be CF-free

Going against the grain but I often find if I get over my annoyance and embrace things it can end up really fun anyway and people end up grateful for one’s welcome and you may even end up with lovely new friends. I’m not saying you should if it just feels annoying but I certainly don’t see it as rude, a lot of people are just easy going and BIL is being thoughtful in offering to bring stuff if they do come.

@ChickpeaFlour everything you said is why I was torn about it, sometimes I wish I was more the kind of person who could just go with the flow and embrace everything. I think the fact it’s DS first birthday is a factor, I know some people feel that first birthdays are ridiculous to celebrate anyway as the kids have no idea but just the thought of him having his first bit of cake with all our nearest and dearest …then a bunch of almost strangers there feels like somehow an invasion of privacy almost?

yesterdaysbread if it would feel more special without them definitely stick to your guns - there are times when it’s ok to be flexible and times when it would upset what you wanted so in these circs definitely don’t feel bad. I would just be really nice explaining that you wanted it small this time as so excited to celebrate DS being one and that’s lovely.

Why do these friends of his want to go to a family 1st birthday party of a baby they don’t even know the parents of?

Do update us after BIL is spoken to, OP!

I suspect because others will cook and clean for BIL and he feels magnanimity at ‘his’ hospitality.

Excellent question and I think you nailed it @Meraas , some sort of ego boost for his ‘generosity’, also they all live in a big city and we are semi rural so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s sold it as some sort of jolly day trip to the countryside.

whatever it is he’s probably misrepresented it to them as a casual, just turn up whenever type of thing, as apparently 2 of the couples have other potential plans which may or may not happen, meaning my sons first birthday is basically their plan B and meaning I’ve got to make sure there’s enough of everything in case they do deign to make an appearance. We will be eating around one long table which seats 12 so it will be a bit of a squash if they do come not to mention I don’t have enough chairs.

BIL is usually conscientious and thoughtful, or so I thought, cannot fathom how he’s done this without realising the position it puts me and DH (although really only me as im organising everything) in. I’m either the bad guy for spoiling everyone’s fun and saying a firm no, or I accommodate them all, or whoever turns up, for BILs sake and grin and bear having strangers at what I planned to be a small intimate event - good number of family and friends I didn’t invite because of this! I don’t understand how he hasn’t had the good sense to just realise it’s not the done thing. Any other old bbq fine but not this one. Apparently he wasn’t even slightly apologetic on the phone.