DH bored

[Sparklybutold]

So DH came home with our nearly 2 year old saying he came home because he was bored. I was both hurt and flabbergasted. He went somewhere with fantastic shops and a great park. I stated about the park and he said he forgot. WTF! Prior going out he said he was tired but took our daughter out as I had an interview this afternoon. I feel.he came home because he probably was bored! I completely understand how being the default parent can feel like groundhog day but that's why I try and go out and do stuff! For both our enjoyment! I just feel he came home, subconsciously knowing I'm the default parent and that DD would just revert to being with me taking the pressure off DH. I have told him to go to bed because I frankly I cannot stand to look at his useless lump just sitting there doing fuck all. I cope much better when I know I'm the parent on duty. I feel so alone at times. He's going to have to start doing more as I actually got the job so I can't carry on running everything at home too. I'm so angry at myself for letting this go on or so long. I've tried talking to.him about it and he just doesn't get it. He'll happily get on with what I ask him to do, but I want an equal partner and not a man slave.

So AIBU? He's tired, kids are boring, etc etc

DH BU - he should step up.

He got exactly what he wanted- you took over & he reverted to doing fuck all.
I'd've said that I had things to do for the next 2-3 hours and he'd have to keep DC occupied & could he start dinner as he'd come home.

Stop taking over and be clear in your expectation that he actually actively parent your DC.

@StripeyDeckchair

I think your absolutely right.

I have this pathological need to.keep everyone happy. I could see he was tired, so part of me felt fine with him going up for a nap, then there was the other part of me that just didn't want to see.his sulky face!

I definitely need to address my expectations with him and how he needs to start being more active. I also know he’ll also sulk at this. When we discuss this issue he tends to get angry/defensive/sulky and I feel somehow then I'm in the wrong.

I totally understand you want him to step up and do things without being given instructions but realistically it’s unlikely to happen overnight. I’d start by making suggestions of things to do that he’d also enjoy ( I know), so maybe swimming plus cafe and a comic or park plus picnic and a ball to kick around or museum and snacks with a small treat for when she’s getting bored.

start by reminding him he needs x,y and z but quickly tail off and allow him to learn the hard way just as you may have done.

Now is definitely the moment to make household adjustments. Now I’m working we’ll need to share out the jobs and here’s a list so let’s each choose.

Is getting a cleaner an option and have you got childcare sorted? Congratulations and good luck. He won’t like it all much but just act like it’s so obvious and natural that only an idiot wouldn’t realise it. If he chooses laundry and doesn’t do it let him run out of pants. Etc.

Good luck

Why is it OP's responsibility to think up an activity if the one she suggested isn't to dad's taste?

OP,

He sulks and gets defensive to shut you down.

Its what lazy, selfish, emotionally abusive men do to do as little as possible and yet control the home.

You need to read up on this and educate yourself on what sulking and stonewalling is.

He is exactly where he wants to be, resting and doing fxxk all.

Have a good look at the division of work load.

What does he do?
Does he contribute at all?

Well done for returning to work.

You could well need that job.

@billy1966

Thanks for replying and your considered response.

His communication style especially when being confronted reverts back to what he was bought up with. I'll be talking to him about this too.

Honestly OP, you have enabled your DH to behave like a lazy, useless specimen. I fear you are going to have a herculean task to get him to step up to being a 50/50 parent but I wish you good luck.

Everything about his behaviour is saying he doesn't want to do the childcare because it's YOUR responsibility.

What a useless, lazy arse.

Good luck with those thousand conversations you'll need to have with him - you're going to need some emotional stamina over this.

I'd be putting a time limit for seeing some changes before you start making threats to leave!

Thank you to everyone who replied. We have had a chat and I think on the same page moving forward.