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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not reply to some messages for hours?

28 replies

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 22/07/2022 17:02

My boss messaged me this morning, I’m off today. I haven’t been overly busy so really I could have replied by now but sometimes I just read messages and don’t reply for hours, maybe not even until the next day as I’m just in a ‘can’t be bothered replying’ kind of mood, no real reason.

although she hasn’t prompted me to respond, I kind of feel pressured to reply because I feel as though she’s probably thinking “oh why on earth hasn’t she replied to me yet, hurry up”

I don’t know, maybe it’s just an anxiety kind of thing. I do suffer from some kind of social anxiety and sometimes tend to avoid conversations with people

OP posts:
godmum56 · 22/07/2022 17:03

Do I understand that you are not working today? In that case why whould you answer? Why would your boss expect an answer?

Original poster
curiousitygotthebetterofme · 22/07/2022 17:09

godmum56 · 22/07/2022 17:03

Do I understand that you are not working today? In that case why whould you answer? Why would your boss expect an answer?

To be fair to her, it wasn’t a formal message or anything. It was just a WhatsApp to ask me if I could stay behind a little longer next Wednesday.

I will reply, but I’m just not in the mood to reply right now. No idea why I’m like that sometimes.

OP posts:
LucyLoopyLu · 22/07/2022 17:13

If you're not working today then you don't need to reply today.

If you're also worried about this when you're working, and you're unsure of expectations, ask for a one to one and discuss it with your boss in general terms. Don't make a big deal of it. Just discuss communication styles / ways of working.

For example if my boss sends me a request for a piece of work, I won't reply saying "OK I will do that", I will reply once the piece of work is ready - unless there is a reason it will not be ready within the expected time frame. That's fine for us but others might want more dialogue.

I get anxious about work too and one of the things my OH told me is you have to "manage up". I.E. manage your relationship with your boss. Be clear about your workload, current prorities, what you need from them, and manage your boss's expectations so you are giving them the answer to questions before they ask for it.

asnoot · 22/07/2022 17:18

I'm the same. Sometimes I can't bring myself to reply, even if it would be trivial and take seconds. I don't have a good reason - it just sometimes feels overwhelming to know that people expect a reply as soon as you've read their message. I don't feel good about it though, as I don't like it if I'm the one waiting for a reply.

I definitely have some social anxiety but can hide it well for periods of time, until it catches up with me and I need to completely disengage for a bit.

pilates · 22/07/2022 17:22

I’m like that too.
Don’t worry about it.
Just reply when you want. It’s hardly urgent.

onelittlefrog · 22/07/2022 17:22

I think it's unprofessional for your boss to WhatsApp your personal phone, especially on your day off. I would feel really awkward if this happened to me. It's not a thing in my workplace and it would have to be very urgent for a manager to contact someone outside of work times on their personal phone.

On your other point, yep, I often don't reply to things for hours. I really dislike the 'instant' culture we have now. I never find myself thinking 'I can't believe they haven't replied yet' so I can't understand those who expect it of me when it's not an emergency. If people want a quick answer they should call.

Poppyblush · 22/07/2022 17:25

Not urgent, ignore

whatislove123 · 22/07/2022 17:38

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 22/07/2022 17:02

My boss messaged me this morning, I’m off today. I haven’t been overly busy so really I could have replied by now but sometimes I just read messages and don’t reply for hours, maybe not even until the next day as I’m just in a ‘can’t be bothered replying’ kind of mood, no real reason.

although she hasn’t prompted me to respond, I kind of feel pressured to reply because I feel as though she’s probably thinking “oh why on earth hasn’t she replied to me yet, hurry up”

I don’t know, maybe it’s just an anxiety kind of thing. I do suffer from some kind of social anxiety and sometimes tend to avoid conversations with people

Gosh are you me!!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/07/2022 17:57

*if my boss sends me a request for a piece of work, I won't reply saying "OK I will do that", I will reply once the piece of work is ready - unless there is a reason it will not be ready within the expected time frame. That's fine for us but others might want more dialogue

@LucyLoopyLu -sorry - if your boss asks if you can do some wor, you don’t reply yes / no / maybe etc but do the work without telling her or acknowledging even getting the email?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/07/2022 17:57

Bold quote fail

girlfrien · 22/07/2022 18:00

Thing with Whats App is they can look and see if you've viewed it so they will know.

PMAmostofthetime · 22/07/2022 19:32

@curiousitygotthebetterofme
I think your a little irritated that you were contacted on your day off. I get like that. It's like it's Friday I'm in Monday you could ask then. Instead I am now thinking about work on my day off. YANBU- any work message takes you back to work mode. Ignore reply when your back.

Maximoose · 22/07/2022 19:36

onelittlefrog · 22/07/2022 17:22

I think it's unprofessional for your boss to WhatsApp your personal phone, especially on your day off. I would feel really awkward if this happened to me. It's not a thing in my workplace and it would have to be very urgent for a manager to contact someone outside of work times on their personal phone.

On your other point, yep, I often don't reply to things for hours. I really dislike the 'instant' culture we have now. I never find myself thinking 'I can't believe they haven't replied yet' so I can't understand those who expect it of me when it's not an emergency. If people want a quick answer they should call.

I’ve never had a job with a work phone, what’s wrong with messaging your personal phone it’s just a bloody phone.

dottypotter · 22/07/2022 21:28

curiousitygotthebetterofme · 22/07/2022 17:02

My boss messaged me this morning, I’m off today. I haven’t been overly busy so really I could have replied by now but sometimes I just read messages and don’t reply for hours, maybe not even until the next day as I’m just in a ‘can’t be bothered replying’ kind of mood, no real reason.

although she hasn’t prompted me to respond, I kind of feel pressured to reply because I feel as though she’s probably thinking “oh why on earth hasn’t she replied to me yet, hurry up”

I don’t know, maybe it’s just an anxiety kind of thing. I do suffer from some kind of social anxiety and sometimes tend to avoid conversations with people

Might it be best if you don't have what's app then if you don't want to respond to people. Maybe it's not for you.

Royalbloo · 22/07/2022 21:34

Ignore it if you don't need to reply now? She's not expecting a reply and by replying you're making yourself available.

bloodywhitecat · 22/07/2022 21:34

dottypotter · 22/07/2022 21:28

Might it be best if you don't have what's app then if you don't want to respond to people. Maybe it's not for you.

Show quote history

If something requires an urgent response I'd expect a phone call, WhatsApp/messaging can be replied to when the recipient is ready to respond, especially when the OP's boss is messaging on OP's day off.

Royalbloo · 22/07/2022 21:35

I wouldn't message unless urgent

LucyLoopyLu · 22/07/2022 21:39

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle I just mean we don't have pointless emails and messages going back and forth. I won't reply saying "yes OK no problem" I will just send the report or whatever once it's ready. If we want something urgent or just a more general chat we just pick up the phone.

Sartre · 22/07/2022 21:41

Ahh, I think most people feel like this sometimes. If I’m in a wretched mood I just can’t be bothered with anyone really and that includes messages so I won’t reply until I feel better.

Palg68 · 22/07/2022 21:45

I agree with the whole watsapp and bosses texting staff it's very unprofessional. I know it's a done thing now but I like to keep things seperate.

11Hawkins · 22/07/2022 21:49

I get like this. Just reply when you can be bothered it's not urgent.

SummerL0ving · 22/07/2022 21:51

I would reply to my boss as soon as possible. Straight after I saw it.

Saying that though, my boss is very supportive and kind and she would probably apologise when texting me on a non-working day.

Kleptronic · 22/07/2022 22:08

I manage people and I would never, ever message anyone about work when they're not in work, unless the Queen died. Even then I wouldn't because I can do it.

If you are not in work You Are Not Working therefore You Don't Have to Think About Work. Except if you're paid to be on call/danger money/some kind of spy obviously.

How can anyone switch off properly otherwise?

SavingsThreads · 22/07/2022 22:24

Kleptronic · 22/07/2022 22:08

I manage people and I would never, ever message anyone about work when they're not in work, unless the Queen died. Even then I wouldn't because I can do it.

If you are not in work You Are Not Working therefore You Don't Have to Think About Work. Except if you're paid to be on call/danger money/some kind of spy obviously.

How can anyone switch off properly otherwise?

Really? I manage a lot of people and messaged someone just today who was off, because there was an opportunity for her where the sign up expired tonight.

I've also messaged when I can't find something because they've saved it somewhere daft, or when I need to know if they did something or someone else needs to pick it up. My boss does the same with me.

Kleptronic · 22/07/2022 22:44

Yes, really. Granted I would email if there was a time limited benefit for someone, but because I couldn't find something? No.