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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Living together.. How do you split bills?

22 replies

lonelylou09 · 22/07/2022 09:16

Sorry for long post but here goes...
So my OH of 3 years lives with me and my DS who is 23.
When my partner first moved in he wasnt working so gave me £50 a week to contribute to food costs until he could start earning. My DS was working full time and gave me the same.
My OH then got a job and was giving me £100 a week but unhappy he was paying double what my DS was.
He quit his job after covid hit and set up his own business.
We had a rough few months with no money from his side and business has been slow so payments from him went down to £75pw and my DS agreed to match as he had started looking for his own place and realised how expensive it is.

Now my DS is flying the nest and im working 40/50 hours a week while my OH works a few hours a day seemingly wanting to just earn enough to cover (his) costs.
I'm worried about how to approach splitting our costs more fairly once my DS moves out as I think it should be 50/50 and he needs to work more.. Much more!
Household costs are approx £200 a week and I probably spend at least £150 a week on food. So at the moment I'm subsiding both of them by working myself into the ground.
I love my OH but am really starting to consider if I'd be better off on my own.
Thoughts?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 22/07/2022 09:19

Your OH sounds like an immature twat refusing to pay more than your DS.

He needs to pay his way but he needs to reach his full earning potential too. He can't just not pay because he can't be arsed to work.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2022 09:20

Get rid of the cocklodger. You'll be much happier

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 22/07/2022 09:22

LTB. No good will come of this relationship. He's a sponger.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 22/07/2022 09:23

Your "D"H is ridiclous and I would get rid. He is actually resenting contributing £400 a month to a shared household? How much would it cost him to house and feed himself elsewhere? Also feeling resentful over your DS 🙄

PeekAtYou · 22/07/2022 09:25

Live separately and save your money.
I am gobsmacked that you are still with him after he acted like a teenager and complained about how much your son was paying.

Original poster

lonelylou09 · 22/07/2022 09:28

@girlmom21 i have a job 2 days a week and then im self employed so i know its hard getting business going but im getting more and more resentful of working so hard and paying for him while hes not putting the effort in to get more work.
Leaflets printed and not given out, facebook page not updated, no advertising. Most days he leaves at 10 and is back by 1or 2
Whereas im at work at 9 most days until 6/9

OP posts:

SkeletonFight · 22/07/2022 09:31

He would have to make more of an effort if he were living alone. He is using you to subsidise his life. I think I would be telling him the situation isn't working for you and you would like him to leave.

Hollahere · 22/07/2022 09:31

I pay all bills, mortgage, most of the food shopping, and most of the presents.

Other half pays for childcare and some food shopping.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2022 09:35

No decent man would take such gross advantage of you. He knows exactly what he's doing and you're allowing it.

ihavenocats · 22/07/2022 09:40

What do you love about him? What does he give your life that you wouldn't have if he was not in it?

Ebonyhorse · 22/07/2022 09:41

Jesus is this the best you can do? Raise your standards

SarahSissions · 22/07/2022 09:42

Yes this is unfair financially. BUT it is also incredibly emotionally unfair. It can put a huge amount of pressure on you to be the one who is totally responsible for the household stability. You have put up with this for a long time now, I think you need to give his business a deadline, at which point he then needs to get a proper job or you turn the money taps off

WhatWouldHopperDo · 22/07/2022 09:47

Money is such a fundamental part of being in a relationship where you live together.

If he isn't willing to put in at least as much effort as you to make sure you can both contribute, he isn't a good partner.

My DH earns a lot less than me and we split household costs by percentage of our income. However, there have been times when this was the other way round, when I was on maternity pay etc. and DH always paid more in those times.

Running a household should be a team effort. There are few things less attractive than a man trying to pay as little as he can get away with to live in a house with his partner. And him sulking about how much your DS pays makes him seem even less attractive.

Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen · 22/07/2022 09:50

I don't know why he thought it was okay to compare what he paid with someone (in the eyes of the law and benefits etc) who is a dependant, rather than the other paying adult in the household i.e. you.

Well I do, he's a cocklodger.

If he loved you he wouldn't want to you work yourself into the ground in order to subsidise his life. He doesn't love you, this is like a financial abuse of another kind where he profits of your stress and exhaustion. That's not love, in fact it comes closer to hate than love.

Mindymomo · 22/07/2022 09:52

What does he do the rest of the day if not working, if he’s doing most of the housework, cooking, shopping, cleaning etc., then maybe I would go 60/40 on everything.

BoxOfCats · 22/07/2022 10:28

Well he's hardly got an incentive to put more effort into his business when he's got you to prop him up. I would propose 50/50 and see what he says, his response will be revealing.

He is treating your finances as if they are joined, you could also argue you're happy to support him if he's happy to sign over 50% of the business to you. Either you have joined finances or you do not! It can't just work one way in his favour.

DenholmElliot1 · 22/07/2022 10:55

Quite a few men target single women with jobs and homes so that they can move in with them and have a really easy life. Just saying.

A question I always ask - When was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

girlmom21 · 22/07/2022 11:09

DenholmElliot1 · 22/07/2022 10:55

Quite a few men target single women with jobs and homes so that they can move in with them and have a really easy life. Just saying.

A question I always ask - When was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

It doesn't matter if he buys her a bunch of flowers every week if he won't pay the gas bill.

nzeire · 22/07/2022 12:01

Oh
my
god

ahy oh why would you put up with this?

everyone in a household has to pull their weight. How off putting in a partner, and a whinge that he was paying more than your son. YUK.

I just don’t get this at all

newhere989 · 22/07/2022 12:10

Sounds like your 23 y/o son is more mature than this man is.
He's not really a great role model for your son.
What happens if you want to help your son with get started on his own? He has been contributing as much and more than this man has for a while. You'll likely want to help him a little or in the future, but will you be broke because of this man scrounging off you?
Think about whether you want this to be your future.

Jesstoimpress · 22/07/2022 20:56

Agree with all the above posts. He's a lazy cocklodger, happy to take advantage. It's so disrespectful and selfish. This is not a partnership.
Imagine how much better off you would be financially and timewise if you didn't have this second child to parent.

BalloonsAndWhistles · 22/07/2022 21:09

50/50

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