50/50 child custody

[dollybird113]

Hi,
I have two children with my ex ages 12 & 9.
We currently have 45/55 childcare agreement (with me having 55%)
For 3 years since our split my ex has refused to pay 50% towards the children’s essentials (school shoes/uniforms etc) He believes I should buy all these items with the child benefit I receive. I rely heavily on the child benefit as part of my income (I work 25 hours per week within school hrs) and feel it’s only fair that we pay 50/50 towards these essentials. I have recently contacted the CMS in the hope that money from him will cover his share of the cost of essentials as I can’t afford them on my own any more but he has lied to the CMS saying that we have a 50/50 agreement to avoid having to pay and has told me that he intends to take the children for 50% of the time from now on.
This just isn’t feasible though as he often works nights. He already has the children sleeping over at his parents a lot if the time, if he takes them 50% of the time it is likely that they will end up staying at his parents even more when they could be at home with me- and all because he doesn’t want to part with his money.
All I want is for him to pay 50% of the necessities - no more, no less. But it now seems that all that’s going to happen is that I am going to lose time with my children and he will continue to pay nothing. I am heart broken and just don’t know what to do. Does anyone know if the courts would grant him 50/50 care even if the children would be sleeping at his parents house the majority of the time?

Does he earn significantly more than you ? Would he qualify for benefits ? If so why not claim for one each. To be honest if you both have them almost 50:50 you both have equal opportunity to work the same hours and provide for your kids equally. I mean if you had them significantly more than him, that would be different. There is very little difference between 55% and 50%.

50:50 custody and you each claim child benefit for one child, and share costs half?

Who looks after them in the school holidays are you sure its 50/50? Can you get a second job?

He does need to cover some of the costs you clearly cannot pay for it all that's unfair as is them spending his time with grandparents

Well he sounds like a prize!

Do you have any concerns about the DCs spending possibly more time with his parents? It's not a great reason for him to want 50/50 obviously but it doesn't seem a huge leap from the arrangement you have now so might not be so bad.

Would it possibly help you to be able to increase your work hours as well?

If you claim Universal credit as well though then you may need to be careful about losing the child benefit for one? Would he qualify for Uc and want to claim for one child if 50:50 was agreed?

I'm not sure about the position of the courts in these matters are they solely in grandparents custody on his days or is it just the nights? I know child maintenance ONLY count nights (which is ridiculous really as they could spend all day with you eating drinking using electricity etc and sleep at dads and they would class it as dads care despite you having them for all the expenses)

Yes he does earn significantly more than me so wouldn’t qualify for benefits.
I choose to work 25hrs within school hrs so I can be there for my children before and after school. As they get older I will definitely increase my hours to full time.
I just feel that regardless of our work/income, we should each pay 50/50 towards the essentials. But thank you for you your feedback, it is good the get other opinions.

Even if custody becomes 50:50, he still needs to pay half. The catch is that he doesn’t want to provide the actual money. In return, you need to stop providing the items. Don’t send anything when the children go to his home. No uniforms, no toothbrushes, no pajamas, nothing but prescription medication and comfort objects. Even 55:45 means he is supposed to be responsible for providing everything the children need during his parenting time. That means if it is his morning, he should be providing the uniform, the backpack, the lunch, the money for for the inevitable thing the school is demanding money for, etc.

What is it like when they sleep over at their GPs’? Do they want to? Is it a chaotic juggling act for him to make sure they’re looked after when he has them or does he have a solid system that doesn’t constantly rely on you juggling your life to accommodate his schedule?

My understanding is that the courts would consider whether it was in the best interests of the children. So if it means they are sharing a room, have less stability and don’t want to go they are not likely to creat an order that supports it, especially not if they get the impression the reason your DH wants to do this is because he doesn’t want to pay. If they have their own rooms there, the kids want to go and it’s a stable arrangement that can be relied upon, the courts are more likely to agree to it.

Ideally you’d talk to an experienced family law solicitor, but I’m guessing you can’t afford it given your concerns over maintenance? Try posting in Legal and see if you can get any advice from someone who actually knows what they’re talking about on the courts’ front. (You’ll also get plenty of opinions and suggestions that aren’t focused on the law, so wade through and check out posters to see if they actually seem to know what they’re talking about).

You should probably look at increasing your hours and your earning capacity as much as you can anyway. You’re already struggling, your ex is going to try and give you as little as he can even if you can use the courts to ensure a more stable home base and you will likely loose the child benefit before you no longer have expenses for them. Also, once they grow up, you will have the rest of your life ahead when your financial capacity will be lower for every year you hold back from career development. Unless there are special needs, at 9 and 13 your DC should manage (even thrive) with you working full time instead of part time.

The children have a good relationship with their grandparents but they do tell me they feel they spend too much time there and would prefer to be at home. I think they feel pulled from pillar to post. It would only be one extra day every other week but tbh now that it’s come to this, I’d rather stop the CSA proceedings and pay for all their essentials myself than lose them for that day.

Exh and I do 50/50, no child benefit is involved and no maintenance for either of us but we do maintain a joint account to use for kids things such as school trips, clothes etc Not used for food whilst at either house or for day trips etc with whoever they are with.
There is an agreed amount that goes into the account each month and as exh earns significantly more than me he pays a slightly larger share.
we worked this out and made this arrangement by using a mediator- she was fantastic and really supported us to come to a fair agreement.

On days your children are with xh he should be providing for them. He should buy them a set of school uniform and school shoes at his house to send them to school in. Be paying for their school lunch or sending them in with a packed lunch. He should buy and provide clothing for them to change into after school and pay for any activities that occur on his days. You do the same on your days. Unless he wants to be reasonable and just go Half's on clothing, shoes, uniform etc. You should not be paying for more than half.

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice.
as for career development, I honestly don’t think the brain in my head works anymore after being subjected to years of his narcissistic behaviour… But I hope to get back on my feet soon enough for the sake of my kiddos

Setting up a joint account that we each pay into and use for essentials sounds like a great idea. I wish I’d considered suggesting this to him before going to the CSA. He was absolutely outraged when he received the letter from them and I received lovely phone call from him telling me exactly what he thought of me. I think he’s even less likely to be reasonable now than he was before. 😭

The fairest solution is to have 50/50 share - whatever he does with his time with them isn't your concern. Plenty of people on here would say he's in the wrong if he wouldn't have 50/50 because it would mean sorting childcare during his time.

He should be covering 50% of their costs too - but he shouldn't be paying maintenance to you for that, he should just be covering half their costs. Am I correct in thinking that, by child benefit, he means about £20 per week?!

A clear solution to you not having enough money (aside from him paying half the costs for children that are half his), you should get a full-time job. Given the age of your children and the amount you have them, there's no logical reason to work 25 hours a week term time - plus, I don't know how you're able to support two children and yourself fully on that amount of money.

Just to add to this, you would get up to 85% of childcare costs paid if claiming UC.

It’s is outrageous that he expects you to provide school information and I assume all clothes sports equipment etc when he does not contribute.

I liked the idea of a mediator. He is stuck in the idea that he is right. He needs someone to explain being a parent means paying for school informs!

I had though you take one child each for school informs etc. however this might be awkward for the kids. A friends parent did this (they were together so it was odd). Each child went to a different parent for pocket money, school uniforms, and eventually support during university! Really odd. They were both teacher so I assume wavered about the same but the dad was much more generous- my friend got the mum!

Your children are of an age where before/after school care is hardly required (assuming no ND issues) so working 25 hours is a bit of a luxury to be honest. I can see why he wouldn't want to pay additional when he has them almost 50% of the time and £140 a month or whatever it is is more than enough for clothing for them both?