To pull someone up on this

[DontLookBackInAnger1]

My father has stopped brushing his teeth. He's 74 and still independent. He's always had very questionable hygiene and sensory issues but in recent months has completely stopped brushing his teeth. His breath is getting worse and I can visibly see a lot of plaque.

He's a sensitive man who doesn't like accepting advice or help. He's also very kind though and, whilst he's still sociable and out and about, I think it's important he looks after his hygiene, if not for himself, for others (and me).

But HOW do I address it?!

Please help! For the sake of this group, AIBU to ask you how to raise such a sensitive, personal topic without upsetting someone?

I think you have to be direct.

"Dad, why have you stopped brushing your teeth?"

Then, depending on answer, you take it from there.

If he goes for a 'none of your business' type answer, then you point out it is your business when his breath smells when he talks to you, and of course that will be the same for everyone he talks to

Whereas if he goes for a 'it hurts' type answer then your approach is going to be different - along the lines of speaking to a dentist about what help there might be.

Your father is an adult, be direct. He needs a sharp dose of reality. His hygiene standards are not acceptable.

"If he goes for a 'none of your business' type answer, then you point out it is your business when his breath smells when he talks to you, and of course that will be the same for everyone he talks to"

Exactly this. His grubbiness effects everyone around him.

It's difficult because he tends to be offended easily and is extremely stubborn and insular.

Also, most people would be hurt to be told they smelt. But it's getting to the stage where I have to open the window wide up if he's in the car with me and even then I have to breathe shallowly as it's honestly horrid.

My mum can't say anything due to his defensiveness. And he wouldn't listen to her.

He recently retired and it's since then that it's gotten worse.

Does this sound ok?

"Dad, I hate to be personal but I've noticed your breath a few times recently. Have you been to the dentist lately? I think maybe getting an electric toothbrush could help too (obviously any toothbrush would help but maybe this sounds less like - brush your teeth you filthy animal!)."

I'm seeing him today and I dread it!

I would phone his GP and ask if you can bring him in for a chat and then do a dementia assessment. Having anxiety around basic care tasks is an early sign, along with any sensitivity around criticism.

I think you need to say you notice he's stoped brushing his teeth as it's affecting his breath and find out why he's stopped.
Then you can take it from there to help address it. If it's painful then he needs to see a dentist/get different toothbrush/use mouthwash. He could have infection in his mouth.

If it's that he's taking less and less interest in hygiene and appearance that can be sign of depression or as PP has mentioned early dementia.

Good luck

Does he have false teeth? A lot of elderly people have bad oral hygiene because their dentures no longer fit properly and they develop ulcers and infections. This is usually due to bone loss and it becomes very painful for them. Another reason is vitamin C deficiency or medications (like aspirin or other anticoagulants) that cause the gums to bleed. I would recommend a trip to the dentist for him.

This isn't 'pulling someone up'. It's a sensitive issue and needs some degree of tact. It's also vital that this is sorted though, he'll end up in severe pain and eventually needing falsies. Addressing this now is actually an act of kindness (although I know it doesn't seem like it). If he won't listen to his wife, maybe some straight talking from you might give him a jolt.

Maybe put the emphasis on how he won't want to be toothless, all the painful dental treatment, false teeth, limited diet - all the cons you can think of. Brushing your teeth is non-negotiable if you want to keep them. You can be as defensive, stubborn and offended as you like but it's still a cold, hard fact. I wish you all the best!

Can it be gums? They sell super thick super soft toothbrushes. They are great and would be good if the issue waa around gums.

Can you go at it more obliquely? Have you been eating garlic? Your gums look red/pale, I think you must have a tooth/mouth infection. Ooh I can smell something? It’s very similar to when xx had a tonsil stone.

most people would up the mouth hygiene after a comment like this, but if he doesn’t you have opened it up and can comment “sorry that smells still there” and buy him mouthwash.

Alternatively tell him straight in a situation when you can leave immediately. Then you won’t be around to have to deal with his defensiveness. Or send him a text.

I guess it depends on your relationship, and how comfortable you are with a bit of straight talking! Ultimately he is an adult, and can do, or not do, what he likes with his body, including with his teeth. It's important not to infantalise him.
It does seem a bit of an odd thing to do, having done it for decades twice daily, just to stop, maybe have a chat generally to see if there are any other things that he's struggling with recently. There have been studies to show that dental plaque is linked to heart disease, so that's maybe an way of broaching it, ie I had my blood pressure taken last week, it was xx xx and I was suprised, have you been lately? I read an article......Tricky one, good luck

My dad went through the same phase, but younger than yours. It happened at a period of high stress in his life and his MH was quite poor.

Can you think of anything that might be underlying this for your dad?

I think you do have to be pretty brutal though. Start with a "I've noticed you've not been brushing your teeth... What's that about?" and take the conversation from there.

He's always been a reluctant brusher. I think he did it because he knew he had to for his line of work (with people). But he has never washed his hands regularly and is naturally quite dishevelled. He has zero care for his appearance or possessions. This isn't new, it's just getting worse.

He's now retired and I think he just doesn't want or 'need' to now. My mum despairs but she's tried and he just rejects her advice.

He's definitely had depression the whole time I've been aware of things. But he's never had a diagnosis or treatment, albeit the rest of us think it.

It's a very complex and probably dysfunctional relationship. I care about him but I don't feel able to be myself around him and definitely am struggling with how to approach this. I would be able to tell my mum no problem, but he's a very awkward person.

Someone has to though as it's getting dire. He has zero awareness of his breath (and unfortunately loves garlic and onion!)

Yep, definitely has mental health needs, but he won't acknowledge it and it's always been the elephant in the room.

Sigh.... There's never a good time to tell someone their breath stinks 😂😫

@DontLookBackInAnger1 is that you also posting as @SunnySideDeepDown ?
It reads like it is, but is confusing as your posts don't highlight if it is a name change