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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I expecting too much?

16 replies

HonHey · 21/07/2022 15:42

I'm heavily pregnant, about to pop at any time. FIL was taken ill on Monday night and DH has had to rush back to his hometown (4 hours away) to be there for in laws etc. He's on the mend now, thank goodness and DH is due back Saturday.

Anyway, he begged me to get my mum (who lives 10 minutes down the road) to come and stay whilst he was away as he was worried if I went into labour in the middle of the night and was in the house on my own etc. I really didn't think it was necessary but he said it in front of my mum and she jumped at the chance and said of course she'd come and stay. Now, I know why she'd jump at the chance, it's because my DF does her head in and she saw it as a week away from him!

She doesn't work and is a bit of a 'princess' My dad does all the cooking, every single night. Granted though she does do all the cleaning etc, so it's a split that works for them.

So she's been staying since Tuesday night but her .....selfishness (for want of a better expression) is now starting to grate on me. She's gone home during the day but come back for dinner each evening, cooked by me 🙄Yesterday I was watering the plants in the garden with a watering can as dragging the hose all around the garden is just too much for me now (there's no hosepipe ban here) I told her I wasn't able to drag the hose around anymore the day before. She stood there for 15 mins watching me walking to and from the outside tap with the watering can and then went 'You know it'd be much quicker with a hose' I snapped 'Yes, I do, but as I said, I'm struggling now to be dragging the hose about.' She knew that was a bit of a dig at her so she looked all sulky and then muttered 'well I'd have done it for you.' Except she wouldn't have, not unless I'd have specifically asked her, I'm the type of person that would offer.

There's been lots of little things like this all week. She messaged me earlier to say 'don't worry about cooking for me tonight' to which I was relieved as it means I can just make myself any old thing or tbh not bother as I'm finding eating meals in the evening difficult now, no space with the baby taking up all the room! I then get a text an hour later saying 'I'll be over at 5.30, if you don't want to cook for us, we could just get a McDonalds or something?' So I've just messaged back saying, I thought you said not to worry about dinner? I KNOW she wanted dinner though as she's been saying all week how I'm a 'much better cook than my dad blah blah' and any chance she or my dad get they're around for dinner, often just inviting themselves, this has pissed DH off in the past.

I know I'm probably BU but it just makes me sad as so many of my friend's mum's are such lovely, kind people who adore their daughters and will do anything for them, mine has always been inherently selfish, she won't do anything for anyone else and when she does she makes a HUGE deal of it to get recognition etc and all week she's seen me struggling to do things and hasn't once offered any help.

I know people will say 'but she's given up her time to stay with you.' but I KNOW that's only because there was something in it for her.

But then I'm sat here thinking, well, cooking dinner for her each night isn't exactly a hardship so I should probably just do it graciously and not resent it. I think it's just because not once has she ever offered. I also worry about what she'll do if anything ever happened to my dad as she hasn't cooked a meal in about 10 years 🙄

AIB an U grumpy pregnant person?

OP posts:
CrystalFlower · 21/07/2022 15:53

Nah I don’t blame you. Your heavily pregnant and the whole point of her being there is to help and incase you need to go to the hospital? Being waited on by you isn’t exactly helping you so you have every right to be annoyed.

SpiderVersed · 21/07/2022 15:54

You're heavily pregnant, you're allowed to be grumpy!

I must admit, I hate people not asking for what they want and hoping I'll be a mind-reader. Just ask her. You should be a grown up and communicate rather than hoping she'll get a hint.

"Get yourself McDonalds if you like, I'm making myself a butty."
"Could you water the garden for me please? I'm finding it a bit much"
"Can't be bothered cooking so make sure yuou pick yourself up something."

These are not hard things to say. Then you get what you need and no cause for stress and resentment.

11Hawkins · 21/07/2022 15:55

I'd just tell her not to bother coming back, you'll ring her if you need her and are taking a rest till DH is home. No point having her there if she's not even helping.

Brefugee · 21/07/2022 15:55

I don't blame you but why not use this opportunity, since you're already cross and grumpy to say: you can cook I'm too tired. You can water the garden i can't manage. You can wash up i can't stand long. etc etc.

A lot of these scenarios would be easier if people would use actual words.
Good luck with the baby

emmathedilemma · 21/07/2022 16:00

Respect to anyone who's survived being heavily pregnant in this week's heat AND living with their mother!!
Just be aware that she will probably be the same when the baby arrives. I'll never forget being at my friend's house when her MIL was staying to visit their newborn and whilst she was lecturing my friend (who'd had a C section) about making sure she drank enough because she was breastfeeding she promptly made herself a cup of tea and didn't offer anyone else one! She was also getting her dinner cooked because it wouldn't have occurred to her to offer.

HonHey · 21/07/2022 16:04

I totally get what you're all saying and you're completely right. The only reason why I haven't said anything is because she came to stay in my first trimester when my DH went away when I was suffering so bad with Hypermesis. She was exactly the same then and when I said to her, in front of my dad (who was obviously hoping for a free meal each night too) 'I'm sorry but I can't cook, I'm not eating dinner at the moment due to being sick all night, every night.' their faces! They looked most put out.

Throughout those few days, she kept hinting in the evenings about dinner and sighing and saying things like 'I guess I'll get a takeaway or something again tonight then.' I lost it and said there's plenty of food in if she wants to make herself something and actually, why the F was she expecting me to run around cooking her meals when I could barely get out of bed for being sick, that she was a selfish mother and I wish she was like my friend's mothers who genuinely care and would be the one running around looking after their daughters 😳She started crying and I felt awful.

It's the fact her (and my dad probably) think it's perfectly reasonable for me to cook dinner every night for her if she's staying here and I'LL be the one that looks 'tight and selfish' if I don't offer her any.

I guess that's why I've posted as I feel like a bit of 'selfish' daughter not wanting to cook for her, I know it's all so petty 😳

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 21/07/2022 16:12

Send her home.

CrystalFlower · 21/07/2022 16:16

Your not a selfish daughter. My mum wouldn’t act that way, if she did I would be fuming. Your in the right.

inthisworld · 21/07/2022 16:18

SpiderVersed · 21/07/2022 15:54

You're heavily pregnant, you're allowed to be grumpy!

I must admit, I hate people not asking for what they want and hoping I'll be a mind-reader. Just ask her. You should be a grown up and communicate rather than hoping she'll get a hint.

"Get yourself McDonalds if you like, I'm making myself a butty."
"Could you water the garden for me please? I'm finding it a bit much"
"Can't be bothered cooking so make sure yuou pick yourself up something."

These are not hard things to say. Then you get what you need and no cause for stress and resentment.

Totally agree with this. Be honest and don't let her guilt you into cooking etc. if you don't feel like cooking then don't, she's a grown woman who can feed herself if she needs to x

Zuyi · 21/07/2022 16:18

Yeah, send her home.

Goldbar · 21/07/2022 16:18

Why does she need to stay? Do you have another child who might need to be looked after if you have to rush to hospital?

If you have nice neighbours, I'd send her home and tell your worrying DH that you'll knock on one of their doors if there are any problems.

2bazookas · 21/07/2022 16:45

Stop cooking dinner. Stop being a doormat.

Buy (no; send Mum shopping for) a load of salad and tomatoes , maybe some sliced meat or cans of tuna and crusty loaf. Fruit, cheese.

Make and eat your own salad., and say to mum "help yourself to salad makings, it's in the fridge and I've eaten."

HonHey · 21/07/2022 16:48

No, no other children. DH just said he'd feel better leaving me if someone was staying in the house with me overnight, he was so stressed/ upset re FIL that I didn't want to add more stress by refusing to have DM over.

Sigh, two more nights to go. I do love DM don't get me wrong, she does have her good points and she CAN be nice and caring, but she is definitely an inherently selfish and entitled person. She's lost a few friends in recent years and she wonders why, I really think it's because they got fed up of her CF, entitled attitude as it is irritating after a while.

OP posts:
Therealpink · 21/07/2022 16:50

Send her home. Tell her you’re fine and just want to go to bed and eat crisps for dinner but you’ll call if anything happens (sounds like she’s nearby so no idea why she needed to stay).

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2022 16:51

Send. Her. Home. This is all so absurd.

Goldbar · 21/07/2022 16:52

Honestly, send her home and enjoy your final days before the baby comes in peace.

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