AIBU- my mum and I barely speak

[Bobby80]

It'll keep it as brief as I can but with the relevant details...

I have a very small family. Just me, my mum and sibling. My dad died a few years ago (he and mum were divorced but had a good relationship). I have an aunt and uncle but no contact with them (family fall out when I was a child). No grandparents.

Growing up I had a very close relationship with my mum. She lives close by and we spent a lot of time together, seeing each ocher multiple times a week. She has always had bouts of depression (medication controlled and I suspect she is bi-polar, I'm not saying this lightly as I have a professional understanding of mental health). As well as being exceptionally caring and loving she can be very anxious and always has a 'cause'. Never in my life has she not been fighting an 'injustice' for somebody else- supporting adults with literacy, volunteering for charities, taking in people who are vulnerably housed, supporting survivors of domestic abuse.....it's had to explain but I think she thrives off being needed.

3.5 years a go a had my DS, mum was overjoyed and was the doting grandparent. When DS was around 9 months the HV flagged up some developmental concerns. Long story short- he was late to walk (now walks fine), late to talk (speech is unclear but he never shuts up now) and has a malformed pituitary gland (for which he receives daily hormone injections) other than that he is a happy, healthy and more often than not content toddler.

Obviously there was a period of about 18 months while all this was being investigated. It was quite stressful as we didn't know what the outcome would be. DS was under a consultant paedtritician, endocrinologist and HV- had regular blood tests and screenings. During that time (when DS was around 18 months) my mother was regularly spend time with him. One day, out of the blue she announced that she could no longer see him as his "suffering" was too much, she didn't feel my DH and I were "doing enough" - just to clarity DS has never been in any pain or discomfort, all issues have been developmental. She didn't "trust" the consultant we had as he "was focused on the wrong things". She also (bizarrely) said that I should remember that she had A level Human Biology and knew how the body worked. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's honestly what she said. That day she walked out and we have rarely seen her since.

After it happened I tried to talk to her but she said there was nothing to discuss. She never visits but seeing my sibling regularly (we live less than a mile apart). My sibling recognises there is a problem but doesn't want involved. On DS birthday she left presents at the front door when it was obvious we were all in and I had invited her round. I have often text updates/photos but rarely get a reply. In 18 months she has maybe text 3 times- each time I've offered to meet but she'll always pull out with a bizarre reason.

If I leave things as they are
*I'll possibly regret it.
*She won't have a relationship with DS and vice versa.
*I'll feel guilty I should have done 'more'.

If I continue to make contact
*it's emotionally draining
*Never in her life has she ever apologised and I do feel hurt at what she said so would need to address that which could big a bigger issue as I feel her mental health underlies all of this.

Thoughts- AIBU? But also, any ideas how to go forward?

You've said your mum has mental health issues. For this reason, I would persevere. Can you go round to her house on your own, and just talk to her?

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, but I would be going forward by cutting her off completely. She has pretty much done this herself anyway, she is virtually no contact. Your DS will lose nothing by not having a relationship with her, but could be harmed should she decide to "deflake" temporarily, be in his life and then do this again. She could not be trusted not to, IMO.

As far as her MH goes, she is functioning and sounds incredibly unlikely to acknowledge any issue or seek help, at least without something very significant happening, which may never occur.

Again, I am sorry, it is a very hurtful situation and you must feel bewildered if you were once close.

She sounds like she's made the decision and had time to think it through and reconsider. I'd probably have one last attempt at repairing the relationship and that, I'd block and carry on life without her. Sadly she sounds like she has mental issues and it's clearly affecting your headspace. It's weird she would rather cut off her grandchild than support him but you can't reason with mental illness. Rather now he's young than when he's older and realises that his gran has cut him off. I also have a similar set up of just my mum (not close) and a sibling (not close). My mum isn't really involved in my sons life, sees him a few times a year, it's sad but it's down to her. My son is happy regardless and while it would be nice for him to have a proper relationship with his nan, it's not the end of the world that he doesn't!

I'm so sorry that your mother is like this. I'd back off tbh- I know it's heartbreaking, but it doesn't sound like your mother will be a healthy and consistent part of your DS' life. It would be horrible for her to come back into his/your life only to abandon you again.

One day, out of the blue she announced that she could no longer see him as his "suffering" was too much, she didn't feel my DH and I were "doing enough" - just to clarity DS has never been in any pain or discomfort, all issues have been developmental. She didn't "trust" the consultant we had as he "was focused on the wrong things". She also (bizarrely) said that I should remember that she had A level Human Biology and knew how the body worked. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's honestly what she said. That day she walked out and we have rarely seen her since.

That does sound bipolar with a bit of paranoia. Perhaps your DM was sharing her disordered thinking with you to explain why she felt she needed to remove herself from the situation? It seems she might have concluded you and her grandson would be better off without her battling the disordered thinking that your DSs medical trials were triggering? It sounds like she withdrew to protect her MH and also not wanting to be a burden on you in a time of enough stress with DS.

On DS birthday she left presents at the front door when it was obvious we were all in and I had invited her round.

This is a bit sad, as it means she obviously thinks about DS and cares for him but for some reason she is feeling and acting like a leper.

Personally, I’d go over and see her in person. Don’t give her a chance to back out of a meeting. Just go and knock on her door. I wouldn’t give up just yet.

She’s doing this, not you. You try to contact her and she doesn’t reply. She’ll continue to hurt you so the best thing is probably to stop trying to make her want you and your family. It’s very painful but chasing her and being rejected is worse.
Your DC won’t suffer from not having a relationship with someone who doesn’t want him.
You probably won’t regret it after the initial sadness. It will be a relief in the long run.

This is such an odd decision for your mum to make but although not what you want or need she is trying to stay connected in her way.

I have no contact with any of my family. My reasons are a lot more drastic than what you've said here. However if you felt you needed to go NC this is completely in your right to do so. Happy to answer any questions proffer insights if you feel it may help.