Why are people so bitter?

[LottieZ]

Ok so I’ll start from the beginning. The other day a friend of mine made a comment and it has kind of been eating away at me since. We were chatting away and she asked me if I had anything planned with my dc over the summer. I explained that we didn’t have much planned as of yet just a couple of days out in August. She asked where we were off to so I told her. My local council have a scheme called HAF that provides activities and days out for dc. For years we weren’t eligible to access these as they were only for kids who receive free school meals, however this year they’ve opened up the criteria meaning that dc who attend a specialist school or have an education health care plan are now eligible.

So, when another friend (who’s dd has Sen) of mine messaged me to tell me about it I was like oh fab I’ll take a look. I managed to find two activities/days out that my ds would enjoy. Ds is 9 and is autistic and he loves things like climbing centres and trampoline parks and these are some of the activities on offer so I booked him a place through the council’s website.

I mentioned the scheme to my friend and she got all uppity about it saying “oh that’s nice I work full time and get sod all” she then went on to talk about dc who get free food in the holidays. My ds doesn’t get this but I’m thankful the scheme is in place for dc who do need it. My dh works full time in a physically demanding job, I work part time and we have 2dc to care for the including our youngest who has challenging behaviour and multiple needs, yet as my friend carried on talking it was clear she thinks we live the life of luxury which is far from the truth. AIBU to be annoyed?

With regards do her struggling I’d be surprised if she was as she openly tells me what her and her husband earn and it’s just over double what me and my do earn and we pay more rent and childcare etc.

So now you have said that her and her partner earn nearly double than you and your partner and their outgoings are less. Very convenient drip feed information.

I don't know why? I'm a glass half full person.
Unfortunately I know the type that no matter how much they have they'll begrudge others.
It's a sad outlook that doesn't bring them any joy.
I'm glad it's not my attitude.

You seem to resent and dislike her. You’re not friends.

I think it can feel unfair if you work full time, pay your taxes, etc, but aren’t one of the individuals or families who benefits from any of the concessions.

Just keep it light with friends. Don't get into heavy debates. It's easy to fall out then.

She was a dick to say it. It’s hard having SEN kids - I have two. The holidays can look very long when you’re trying to juggle childcare, work, pay for activities and extra food. But… I get where she is coming from. I’m making nothing, literally £40 a week once I’ve paid for childcare doing a hard and socially responsible job and paying tax. Logically I know the support it’s for the children not the adults convenience, I still roll my eyes a bit when the nursery mums that don’t work, cause endless trouble in playground and wear pj’s for drop off and pick up are outside the cafe in the morning when I’m heading to work, knowing they are getting free childcare, free holiday activities and during lock down their kids went to school when mine struggled massively to home. And I know they get these things as I hear them talking about it and see the staff offering them leaflets about what they can do/claim etc. I also work with vulnerable women and their children so I pinch myself and try not to begrudge it, but I think we can all have weak moments where we think uncharitable thoughts and feel bitter. Hope you have a nice summer with your kids. 💐

Id have replied with a snippy 'well I wish my child could access the many cheap and free after school clubs and activities available year round for NT children. '

Then left it at that. It's absolutely pathetic to moan about disabled and disadvantaged children getting a small perk for once.

Enjoy your respite, because after they turn 18 you will get sod all, whereas her child will be able to do things for themselves. There are very little services after 18 unless they are very severe.

It is possible to feel you are struggling and to be VERY aware that there isn't a single member of society that gives a shiny shit about your children. For example two teens under CAHMS, one leaving their school due to continual bullying, not even a 'good luck in the new school' and as for CAHMS it's just a waiting list they do sweet FA. We don't get child benefit, we get nothing at in fact I can't find childcare for the days I have to work in summer yet. Its not easy for anyone, rather than being bitter maybe she's overwhelmed. But of course in real life I wouldn't date say I was overwhelmed because I am not receiving any support ergo we deserve no sympathy. I'd get slated for saying it's hard.

She's your friend, so it's part of the job description to listen to them have a moan.
if it gets too much she's your friend so you can tell her, right? or are you doing that thing where something hugely irritates you and you don't tell the source of the irritation so they continue thinking you're ok with it because you haven't told them to stop it?

Also it is entirely possible that she justifiably feels that she works a lot for little reward and can't afford days out for her child. That would peeve you, no? who would you tell? your friend.

This sadly.

YANBU

People who are jealous of provisions made for those with disabilities do my bloody head in. Bet she doesn't gripe about how unfair it is that her child is NT does she.

I can understand to be honest. It must be pretty disheartening to work your arse off and still not be able to afford holidays/treats/days out etc. I personally couldn't begrudge anyone, especially those whose children have additional needs, but then I'm in a fortunate position where I can afford these things so who knows how I'd feel in that situation.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · Today 10:23
I think it can feel unfair if you work full time, pay your taxes, etc, but aren’t one of the individuals or families who benefits from any of the concessions“

agree. There will be an awful lot of households in this situation now. Just above the threshold but struggling, with no relief in sight.

I don't think it's bitter, it's just a whinge. I'm a great whinger, generally, especially when people don't do their job properly, eg I find a medical person hasn't referred me on as promised. I might moan to my friends about this. It's not huge, not a first world problem. I recognise that I'm a relatively healthy person in a in a reasonable job and I'm luckier than other people. I'm in a better position than other people, but this doesn't stop me being able to have a moan and a whinge.

I have whingey friends and acquaintances and I try to help them access what they are entitled to, because they often don't have a clue.

A good mate's brother's friend's son now how has enhanced PIP (both elements), for example.

Whingeing is often people wanting to vent their way into a conversation they don't quite have the words for yet.

Not sure if it was a dig at you or not. Having a child with additional needs is hard work.

But for some people they may not have their own support network or family around so while they don’t have additional pressures they don’t get the benefit of help or any time out.

With my family until recently we didn’t get a holiday for over 10 years, only managed to get a camping trip to last year as the first time. Still don’t own a home, live in a tiny house that’s expensive with rent yet is one of the cheaper in the area.

(partly that was due to when we moved out of the in-laws we didn’t get all out stuff back and it conveniently went missing, and we couldn’t afford to replace it until recently, it was DH and he had spent a fortune on it)

So for some it’s not about being bitter at you or even begrudging you it, you deserve it, it’s more a case of damn I wish we could have some help as well.

Your friend should probably have kept her opinion to herself or voiced it to someone else, but surely you can see where she’s coming from?

Its quite obvious that it’s going to feel frustrating for her when she works full time and gets nothing for her children and you work part time but get freebies for yours. I have first had experience of having a child with SN but even knowing how hard it is, I can still see why other people feel their children would benefit from these extra free activities just as much.

People increasingly have a sense of entitlement, and can't bear that someone else is getting something they are not. Regardless of what is fair or reasonable.

I'm a single mum, we haven't been on a holiday away in years because I choose to pay half fees to send my ds to an independent school. He has a maths scholarship. Finances are very tight as a result but he is happy so it's worth it.

Yet a former friend who has a husband and a vast very smart house, and multiple foreign holidays each year, stopped speaking to us because ds goes to his school, and her son goes (at their choice) to a local academy.

There's no logic to it. I didn't moan when she told me about the Maldives or skiing in the Rockies. I was pleased they had a good time.

I think some people just lack kindness.

There is a media and government narrative that any means tested benefits or support for people with disadvantages or special needs are going to scroungers and layabouts. Rise above it.

Jealousy. I think it's a pretty normal human reaction, but a very unattractive one. Some people recognise when they are doing it and keep their mouth shut but others don't.

I remember another parent at the school once moaning because a couple of kids in the class went in slightly later through the front door and left slightly earlier. We all stood in the playground and our children lined up in the usual way. Those kids did that because they had special needs and couldn't cope with the noise and chaos of the playground in a morning. I assume the children were also affected in other ways and she was actually jealous that they got 'preferential treatment'. She almost seemed to imply that their parents had an easy life because of it. I really dislike that woman. It's pathetic and very small minded. I can't imagine being so self centred and unable to consider why someone might need that minor adjustment.

This times 100. I've said for a while that I notice more and more a particular bitterness so common amongst British people. I think the media is responsible for a large amount of this.

You know what can also feel unfair? Having a child who cannot do or access things that other children can due to their additional needs.