AIBU to think DM's priorities are nutty?

[GoTraine]

I posted a while ago under a different name about my DM and issues with some family members and got a lot of good advice. DH spoke to my DM about some issues and I thought things would improve but I feel like her priorities are completely off and I don't know whether I have unrealistic expectations.

So, DM agreed to look after DS when I go into labour. Originally, I had a relative who lives locally lined up to watch DS but they hadn't looked after DS on their own before so our plan was to do that a couple of times over the course of the pregnancy so DS and the relative would be comfortable and happy if I go into labour. DM was upset by not being "chosen" to look after DS when I'm in labour so we changed the plan and made a list of three local friends/relatives who could have DS for a few hours and then DM would collect him from theirs and take him to her house. We didn't plan to hand DS straight over to DM because she lives far away and didn't know how quickly labour would progress.

Then, a few months ago, my DBro said he's coming back to the UK for a visit around my due date. DM said to me that she'd no longer be able to look after DS whilst I'm in labour because she wants to spend as much time as possible with DBro - so, I began arranging other options. Then, when DH spoke to DM about a few issues, she completely denied saying that, said it was her "top priority" and that any plans could be cancelled. Last week, I was admitted to hospital and they said they might need to induce yesterday when I go back for tests/treatment - I told this to DM. On Monday evening, she phoned to tell me she can't watch DS when I'm in labour because she's made various plans with DBro (like going to the theatre etc). This was said as if she hadn't flat-out told DH that looking after DS was her "top priority" and that she'd completely denied saying she couldn't have him. The plans she's made currently take up 100% of her time until after the due date.

So, I had a mad scramble to ensure we had sufficient childcare before yesterday in case I'm being induced - but it means that DS will be looked after by someone who hasn't looked after him overnight alone before or properly spent time with him without us.

DBro arrived this morning. DM had asked if, after she's collected him from the airport, they could all come to ours for breakfast (I live between the airport and DM's house). I was pretty annoyed anyway because they'd be arriving at ours for 7am and I don't fancy having to be up and have cooked a big breakfast when I'm already ill and heavily pregnant. Yesterday, they weren't sure whether or not to induce so they admitted me, so I told DM that I can't host breakfast for them. DM replied that DH could cook breakfast instead, but I said he's not going to be at home either. She then requested that DH meet DBro at the airport instead so he doesn't feel like we're not making an effort. DH didn't reply to her.

So, I'm in hospital and unsure if I'm going to be induced today or not and DM has said she wants to bring DBro (and his teenage girlfriend that I've never met before) to the hospital to see me. I'd rather be fired out of a cannon into the sun.

I'd really just like to be left completely alone at this point. AIBU and hormonal to be hurt by all this?

Your DM sounds utterly thoughtless and unkind, just get a message to her saying that you absolutely cannot have visitors at the hospital. (Surely stricter Covid rules have kicked back in and visitors aren't allowed anyway?).

Stop relying on your mum, she cares more about your brother than you and expects you and your husband to care more about your brother than you. Sorry to be blunt but it’s pretty clear.

You are perfectly within your rights to tell your mum that you won’t be having visitors. Actually can’t believe your husband would be around to host your brother while you are in hospital. You don’t have to be kind and accommodating to anyone who isn’t kind and accommodating to you.

Of course you don't have unrealistic expectations. I would honestly tell her that any sane person would understand that being on a labour ward about to give birth is your priority over seeing your brother and then just ignore her until after you have given birth (DH too). Can you even have random visitors at the moment due to covid?

As for childcare, she was clearly all mouth and no trousers so maybe include on the message that she's off the hook.

Oh goodness!

Ignore her, or give her a strong indication that she is out of order, and focus on yourself. You do not need the added stress and emotional burden of communication from your batshit mother.

She sounds awful (and I speak as someone with a thoughtless mother) just ignore her and tell the ward staff that only DH/whoever else are allowed in to visit you. In my experience maternity ward are run like Fort Knox. Sounds like DH is supportive but make sure he knows as well. Good luck with the birth OP

Oh @GoTraine you are not being unreasonable in the least. What thoughtless, hurtful behaviour from your DM. Absolutely ignore any requests or if you think she will come anyway get your DH to be very clear they are not welcome at this time. Your absolute focus needs to be on your well-being and that of your baby. If this is standard behaviour from your DM you may want longer term to give some thought to what boundaries you need to put in place with her moving forward. For now though focus just back in on you and leave her to get on with her batshittery!

Tell her to sod off then mute her calls. Tell the staff on the ward that you are not to have any visitors except your DH, and most importantly tell you DH to deal with his thoughtless mother!
good luck with the baby x

Sorry, I thought it was HIS dm, but he can still tell your DM to back off though 😂

How's your relationship with DB? Can you ring him?

regardless of going NC or not I think you need to never rely or have any expectations of support, kindness or understanding of your mom ever again to protect yourself.

Your DM sounds like mine, brother can do no wrong and everyone should run around after him. I don’t think it has done him any favours to be honest. However the best way I have found to deal with it is to expect nothing.

Explain to your DM that you will not be entertaining visitors in the hospital - are you even allowed to? I had DS2 last month and although the visitor restrictions were relaxed I wouldn’t have been allowed that many visitors.

Also what is it with some mothers trying to force things between their children. MIL does this with DH and SIL who is 8 years older and lives 4 hours away. He has a pleasantly distant cousin-ish relationship with her, at best, and they are both happy with that. I guarantee you your brother and his girlfriend do not want to spend their first morning here doing a hospital visit.

you've both been giving this entirely too much headspace. At the first clue that your brother was coming and your mum was going to flip-flop you should have made alternative arrangements and stuck to them.

Well done for refusing to host breakfast or lifts. Stick to your guns and if you can see your mum and brother while he's over, on your terms, do that. If not? you know what, you aren't their priority so repay the compliment.

Good luck with your new baby!

Tell the ward she's not allowed in.

Do not answer calls (and ask DH not to either, after one convo to tell her you're all too preoccupied, and you'll call when the baby is here)

Stop worrying about your eldest - I was worried about DS1 staying away whilst I was having DS2, as he'd never had a night away from both of us. Totally misplaced - he had a wonderful time and didn't want to leave. You've chosen someone who'll look after him properly it will all be fine.

I can see why she wants to spend time with her DS, who is only in UK sometimes. But she's been really odd about how she's gone about this

Wow. Id be devastated at the blatant favouritism for your brother if it was me.

She seems to want to use you as a catered attraction to being DB to when she thinks he needs feeding!

I would reply "after the way you have behaved you'll be lucky to see us again"

wtf she wants you to host a family cooked breakfast when you are in hospital, is she insane?! I think you should speak to your brother directly, she is probably telling him that you have asked for him to visit you at the hospital, it won’t be him pushing for it.

You have a mother like mine. Never ever rely on them. They like the idea of an image of happy families rather than actually doing the things needed to be a happy family.

The amount of ridiculous, self-centered requests, mucking you around and blatant disregard for you and your well-being at this vulnerable time is horrific, and from your own mother! I'm shocked, and so sorry you are having to deal with this. In future, when she makes the first ridiculous request, you can reply saying 'unfortunately this won't work for us and we will be out of contact for the next two weeks', block her number and avoid the drama of the relentless, bullying demands. Block her number until the two weeks/date she is demanding to see you has passed. You really don't deserve this harassment. No one does.

Send a message to say she is bang out of order and right now your Ds and baby on the way (HER GC) are yours and DH main priority and you cannot believe that her priorities are your DB. Tell her to host her own precious son and that you cannot have any visitors. Sounds like she's one of those mums who thinks their sons have been sent from God himself

Your DM is being awful. I know this is a difficult and emotional time for you, but I would really just be distancing myself from her. I would NOT be relying on her for childcare, and I would be putting in place very firm boundaries (no way to hospital visits, no way to breakfast, if they want to see you once you are home they can bring their own food, including food for you).
Best of luck with your birth!

Mute all messages from her or let your DH deal with reading anything she sends to you. Give the ward explicit instructions that you do not want any visitors admitted expect for DH.

Sadly you are not her priority, so don't make her yours. Try to rest up, if you are induced today do not update your mum on what is happening.

When your lovely squishy new bundle has arrived update her when you feel ready, whether that's a few hours or days after the birth. Make sure the message, either from your or DH, is factual and unemotional, something like "Baby GoTraine arrived at x weighing y. Mum and baby doing well and resting up. We'll let you know when we're ready for visitors." and leave it at that. You can then decide when you are ready to see her, just make sure that your DH is on gatekeeper duty and prepared to turn her away at the door if you are not ready to see her.

Sending calming vibes for the birth, hope it's quick and easy for you.

Petty maybe but I wouldn't even let her know any details about the birth at all. After all she is bound to be too busy with your db.

I would distance myself from her until after the baby is born.