Friend lying about sexual assault?

[Bnxybee]

Before I get flamed for this, please read it through.

A close friend of mine is notorious for twisting the truth at times. Not massive lies, just small exaggerations to turn the attention back on her. I’ve caught her out several times but didn’t want to confront her as she mostly does it when she has an audience - and I don’t want to embarrass her.

Last month she rang to tell me she had bought us two tickets for a nightclub event. She mentioned they weren’t cheap but didn’t want money. I’ve not been one for clubbing since I had DS (3) but agreed to go and thought it was kind of her to buy the tickets (I needed cheering up). Anyway, she confessed on the phone yesterday that she’d originally bought the tickets for her and a guy she’s casually seeing but he didn’t want to go so she asked me instead. That’s not the impression she gave me last month but l guess that irrelevant now.

We went to the event a fortnight ago and I felt she was so inappropriate with DH (who decided to join us last minute). She showed him a spare pair of thongs she had brought with her “just in case” and kept drawing attention to her dress, I.e., “are you sure this dress looks alright?”. She did look stunning. She’s naturally pretty anyway but also has a lovely figure and spends a lot of money and time on her appearance. She then started talking about her various sex toys and, in a totally unrelated conversation, invited DH to visit Denmark with her as they both share a cultural interest in the Faroe Islands.

A totally wasted 21-year-old squaddie sat on our table, interrupting their conversation, and started chatting her up. I thought I detected some jealousy off DH but wasn’t sure. I went downstairs to the toilet and when I came back DH had got him kicked out of the club for groping her arse. She was laughing and said she wasn’t bothered but DH was acting like her knight in shining armour and ranting about how he won’t tolerate sexual assault (fair enough). I made sure she was okay but in all seriousness DH seemed more upset than she was. I was uncomfortable with the way they were both behaving all night. At one point she even linked his arm and said, “don’t worry I’m not assaulting you.”

When DH and I got home, I let rip. He told me he was uncomfortable with the way she had behaved towards him but doesn’t know why he’s to blame? Apparently, she had put her arms around him coming down the stairs (when I wasn’t looking). When I was outside having a cigarette, she asked him if he liked how she looked. She also kissed another woman and asked him if it was “hot”? I confronted her about it the following week and she argued that she only asked him how her dress looked because I’m a “people pleaser” but DH would tell the truth. She then said DH hadn’t told me the context of the conversation. Apparently it was a “rhetorical question” because a strange man was staring at her.

She became tearful and said she was so grateful DH was there as she was sexually assaulted. She said the 21-year-old man had put his hands in her knickers and since that incident she’s been too scared to leave the house. She asked in a really quiet and scared voice if she did something wrong there, too? She said her family have been worried sick about her. (I’d avoided her all week and she knew something was up). DH said the drunk squaddie had touched her bum but nothing more. Even so, it’s unacceptable, but he told me he never witnessed anything more unless he didn’t see or is lying. I would never accuse anyone of lying about stuff like this but I have little doubt she’s told mutual friends that she was assaulted and then falsely accused of coming onto DH. It goes against everything I believe to accuse a woman of lying, but I don’t think I believe her.

A close friend of mine (and an ex friend of both her and DH) told me that she stopped being friends with both of them when she realised what narcissistic individuals they both are and that the reason she never visits me, is because they’re both still a huge part of my life.

Since then, my friend has brought me flowers and has offered to take me out for the day, etc. She says she’s still shaken by that experience and won’t go back to that nightclub. All the stuff with DH has been swept under the rug.

AIBU to let it go as I don’t have the energy for anymore conflict?

@Luckymummytoone they were very close but fell out a few years ago over my wedding. I asked my other friend (let’s call her Jade) to be maid of honour as we’ve been friends for over a decade. Emma (not her real name) offered to host the hen night at her place as it’s bigger. Apparently Jade rang Emma to ask what decorations she could put up and Emma said she’d buy them (as well as snacks, etc) as she was in town and it would save Jade going to the shops after work.

Jade told me that Emma had already decorated and put out snacks before she arrived from work. She said she thanked her and offered her money before our other friends arrived. But Emma refused because Jade was paying for the wedding karaoke and the bridesmaids hair, etc. However, when our other friends arrived, Jade overheard Emma telling them that she can’t afford to buy food for the rest of the week as she spent so much money to ensure I had a good night. They gave her cash and Jade was furious, said it was her being manipulative as per usual, etc., as it was actually her parents that gave her money for my hen night (she does borrow a lot of money off her parents). However, Emma was a single mum on benefits (her DD is now at uni) with various health problems and my other friends were praising her to high heavens for all the effort she went to. They basically agreed that Jade should’ve made more effort and that Emma was fantastic and I was lucky to have her as a friend.

This got back to Jade through her best friend (who overheard the conversation outside) and she was furious. I told her I didn’t want to get involved as it’s all petty drama but Jade was devastated and basically told Emma to f**k off. Said she took over everything and made her look like a twat. When I asked Emma about it, she said she had to intervene as Jade had no idea what she was doing and has no organisational skills. My hen night would’ve basically been a disaster. Of course I didn’t repeat this but at the time I was in two minds.

That’s not the only reason. Apparently Emma’s DD actually approached Jade (they used to be close) and said she’s sick of her (then) 37-year-old mother borrowing her clothes and flirting with all her boyfriends. Said her mum always has to compete with her and can be horrible, etc.

Long answer but that’s why they fell out.

She sounds completely nuts. End the friendship. She’s a fantasist and all around trouble-maker. Ditch.

You do have a little bit of a husband oroblem, he should have cut that shit off immediately and not pander her.

As for the friend, she sounds trashy as hell.
And drama.
I don’t know you it your lifestyle, but I wouldn’t stand someone like that in my life.
She sounds incredibly tedious.
Low quality people are going to low quality, and drag you down with them.

She sounds very histrionic and a very difficult person. I would not be friends with someone who flirts with my partner. It's very odd.

If her arse was touched, that is the definition of assault though, although it sounds like she was doing similar to your partner too, which is the same by definition. The extent of her assault might not be clear and possibly exagerrated, but it is still assault.

Your partner was right to tell the guy to fuck off, perhaps he was worried about him or his friends targeting you, so try not to see it as a sign of anything else.

I think maybe give her another chance, since she is upset and might need some support but if she continues to behave like this she might not be the friend for you. Putting the assault aside, she sounds like a magnet for drama and attention which could put you in a vulnerable position.