To reduce my mums visits

[Candean]

So bit of back story, i was kicked out by my mum at the age of 16 - her boyfriend didn't like me and told me to leave. Asked my mum for help and she chose him and I had to pack my bags. I thought I had somewhat forgiven this, its been 15 years since all that happened and now, she still lives with this man but they aren't together anymore- he doesn't treat her well/ unfaithful/ long list of things that most would have split up over. I cant understand why she puts up with him, But its her life and if she wants him in her life then ok. But then I had my baby and I just can't imagine ever kicking my child out at any age - let alone 16. So i do hold a bit of resentment there.

My mum came to see the baby at the start, and it's now become every single week she comes now. I just find it mentally draining and stressful in the day or so leading up to when she comes and when she is here.

She makes comments, and just generally frustrates me, and some of the things she does makes me uneasy eg shielding baby from sun putting a blanket over his car chair (i stopped her) or she tried putting blanket over baby in car chair as he slept when it was absolutely roasting because his arms felt cool - his neck etc was hot (were in middle of heat wave!). Once car was stopped i got her to feel babys neck for how warm he is and explained how hot a car seat can be it extra layers aren't necessary in this heat. Baby was a bit poorly at start of life, and do worry for him if he was to get ill again, and its a big worry when she is doing things like above.

Another example, i had an appointment so she offered to take baby for a walk, i gave a time for her to come back by and she was no where to be seen. I called and she was still another 20 mins away. Making me late for my next appointment.

I just find it frustrating. I do appreciate the help, i just find the weekly visits a bit too much now. Everyone says how seeing the baby is the highlight of her week etc etc and makes her so happy etc, and i dont want to stop her from seeing the baby but am i being unreasonable to reduce it? Rather than every week. I dont need help with babysitting etc so its not like she must come round. I dont ask her, she just turns up.

We've never been a particularly close family, and i wouldn't see her this much before baby was born. Even my partners noticed how worked up i get knowing shes coming and afterwards I get upset over the comments she makes etc.

AIBU? What would you do?

Do you think deep down she knows she was a pretty naff mum to you?

She doesn’t sound safe to look after your baby alone. And there is no reason why you should have to go through the stress of her visits. Reduce to very occasional? How would you feel about going no contact?

@SparklingLime I don’t think would go completely no contact, I wouldn’t want to stop her from seeing baby completely. I just hope to reduce her visits I think and have a break from her.

@LuckyLil I think she probably does. I thought I was pretty over it all until baby came along.

That’s very understandable, @Candean. I guess just work what would actually suit you. Your mother’s card needs/wants really don’t come into this. You can be quite focused on yourself and your baby right now, with no guilt.

When you’ve been treated badly as a child/teen - which you were - having your own child really brings up those feelings again.

I think you might benefit from therapy to deal with this stuff. And in the meantime yes less frequent visits and on terms that you enjoy.

Sadly it does remind me of my mum. Not a great mum dumped us when teens. Was happy to play perfect grandma but the relationship just wasn’t there. Sad all round but it’s not your job to fix this

Thanks @SparklingLime I agree, I think I need to put baby and myself first and not feel guilty - which I think the guilty feeling is mostly why I’m on the fence about reducing her visits.

@Newgirls thank you, I’m sorry you had issues with your own mum. yes I think there is alot of old feelings resurfacing again. I think one thing that bothers me is the amount of affection she shows for my baby, and inside I can feel myself comparing to how she was with me. Just as you say happy to play the perfect grandma, but I don’t think our relationship is damaged now.

Thanks for your replies, I think I was just looking for validation that it’s ok to try reduce how often she turns up and not feel bad about it. I think less contact would mean I’m in a better headspace to deal with her when we do see her.

How are you doing, @Candean ?

@SparklingLime thanks for checking in, have tried distancing myself and its ok so far. She messages still assuming she’ll be round on x day etc but I just don’t reply until I actually want to tolerate a visit. On the day she did come she made a very sarcy comment about my lack of talking but I just focused the attention on my little one. Actually feel like a weights been lifted knowing that I won’t be dealing with her as much! Thanks for your advice.

That sounds great progress, @Candean. Keep grey rocking.

You’re not responsible for her happiness; don’t talk yourself into believing you are because “everyone” says her happy time is when she’s with baby.
where was “everyone” when she kicked you out?

You owe her nothing, and you (understandably) don’t trust her with your child. I would definitely cut back on the visits, and restrict them to situations where you are present and in control. Your mental health affects you and your baby - time to prioritise yourself.

Nobody tells you that becoming a parent, when you've had a difficult childhood, is actually extremely triggering. Parenting from a place of trauma should be talked about more than it is. Your DM probably has regrets, but she can't go back in time and undo the harm she caused you so she is trying make up for her failings as a parent by wanting to be a present and involved Grandparent. It's entirely your choice whether you want her to be a present and involved Grandparent, and if so what that looks like. It's also understandable if it brings up some anger or resentment for you. Even if ultimately you decide that you want your baby to have a relationship with your DM, that doesn't mean you're not allowed to find it hard and it's important you feel in control.