Soon to be ex wife

[Trinity69]

Just need to check if I am BU.

Been with DP 2.5 years. He has adult children and is currently in the process of divorcing his wife (they were separated before we met, I was not the OW).

EW is in a relationship with an abusive man, allegedly both doing drugs and drinking to excess.

Initially when anything went wrong in her current relationship, DP would get a phone call and be expected to deal with it or help her out (usually in the early hours). More recently she hasn't been in contact, but instead gets her adult daughter to help her, who then in turn rings DP and offloads on him about it.

She apparently has Borderline Perosnality Disorder just in case that's relevant.

She gets beaten up by her boyfriend, kicks him out and then takes him back within a few weeks. People (DP and his kids) have all tried to help her and explained its not a healthy relationship and she needs to kick him out for good but deep down we all know that won't happen. He's just been released from custody (again) for beating her up (again) but she never presses charges.

I don't wish her any harm, I wish she'd leave him, I'm not a total arsehole but AIBU thinking DP
shouldn't be dealing with this anymore (either direct from her or via the kids offloading on him).

It takes up so much of the limited time we have together, on the phone discussing it with either her or the kids and it goes round and round in circles and never changes.

I have no issue at all with regards to DP and his kids, it's just frustrating me that it revolves mainly around the EW.

I voted YABU, because he is the parent to his children and they should be able to offload to him. Even if it is about his ex. And it is a horrible position for them to be in, their mother in a complete mess, beaten up, they can't easily walkaway and leave her to it.

I do get how frustrating it must be though.

He’s enmeshed with her and it’s not going to get better. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready for another relationship tbh. He’s obviously conceived about her safety and his kids wellbeing and it’s going to continue to take up a lot of his energy. If you want a partner who can jump with both feet into a shared life he’s not the one.

No sorry, I disagree. No matter how much of a holy mess his ex is, he does need to be there for his kids, adult or otherwise. If that entails talking through things with them and endless phone calls, so be it. It's a shit situation but it is what it is. He may be leaving his marriage but he'll always be a family unit.

• they'll always be a family unit

YANBU

He is not ready for a new relationship, he can't leave the old one. Him and his ex and kids have no boundaries. You deserve better.

Although not to the same level, I was the first relationship that my partner had after his ex of 9 years (not married but 2 kids). She had a huge problem with him having another woman in his life (she doesn't want him back but I don't think she's happy with anyone else having him).

She used to try and create problems all the time and would question his kids to the point it really upset their eldest and she asked her to stop (aged only 8 at the time!). It took up almost every conversation he and I had as he needed to offload because of the stress. She can't run her life without him sometimes and I sat him down asks asked if he was ready for a real relationship because conversations about her behaviour consumed all our time.

I think it was just a pattern they both were still used to so after we spoke he broke the pattern. Try to speak with empathy about how difficult it is to stop patterns that you don't realise he's still doing but that if he's serious about you, it's time to stop.

I think YABU, his children should be able to speak to him about anything - even adult children. He's their dad, and tbh they should be comfortable to speak to him especially about their mum. Divorced or not, they'll be their parents and he can't just check out of speaking to them about their mum, and if she's going a period of issues it'll impact the DC (adult or not) and he's their dad.

You can tell him you don't want to talk about it and that's totally within your power, I don't think you should be laying the law down about what he can discuss with his adult kids.

He's just been released from custody (again) for beating her up (again) but she never presses charges.

If she is in the UK, she doesn't get to choose whether to "press charges".
That's a decision for the police & the CPS.
Why has he been released without charge - again?

Is your partner in contact with Social Services about the fact that a violent bully lives in his DC's house, & abuses drugs & alcohol with their mother?

YABU to expect his children to not lean in him for support. Of course the will he's their dad and by the sound of it the more stable of the two parents.

I voted YABU as your DP chose EW as the mother of his kids. Grown up or not, they should be able to offload to their father about their mother. Maybe ask your DP to stop offloading to you as much.

You are being unreasonable and so is he, he needs to get his children out of there.

The ex is displaying classic borderline personality disorder behaviours. And the best way to manage that is boundaries. Have a read on managing BPD in crisis because it seems like despite the mess she is in with her current boyfriend her inability to self-regluate her emotions means she will ALWAYS use your husband for support or ANYONE who will act as a "sponge" for her distress. Dealing with borderline personality is very draining and that's the nature of the disorder she will drain the support from people and then go into crisis and rinse repeat. You need to be aware of how to manage as a couple the demands of BPD and how to create a healthy boundary, his children need to be included or they will be damaged by their mum, people with BPD can be incredibly selfish and manipulative even with their own children....especially with their own children because a child's love and support is an endless supply.

Also..I thought DV was convicted despite the woman pressing charges or not... to protect the female from this exact vicious cycle.

I think it would be easier for you to walk away from him than for him to walk away from his children.

Same as this poster really.

Thanks for your replies. I suspected I was BU, which is why I've not brought it up with him. His children are both independent adults with children of their own so apart from the constant mind fuck from their mother there's no safeguarding issue.

At least its via the kids now and not constant calls from the EW in the middle of the night.

Is your partner in contact with Social Services about the fact that a violent bully lives in his DC's house, & abuses drugs & alcohol with their mother?

The children are adults.

OP, as others have said, I would agree that you are not unreasonable to expect him to disengage with her, but you can't ask him to disengage with his children. You can ask that he then doesn't offload in his turn on you, but it will be emotionally exhausting.

I voted YABU simply because i feel so bad for the DD. If she cant offload to her dad, what is she supposed to do exactly? Who should she talk to?

His children are adults

Not in a million years would I expect him to walk away from him children! It's just unfortunate that the EW is a mess and it has such an impact on her children, which in turns, involves DP. Can't help but think his EW shouldn't be such an issue anymore, she's not his problem, but I do understand that by being the kids problem, it will have a knock on effect and that he needs to support his children. I in turn, will support him accordingly.

Damn....his children

The word ‘should’ is a problem, Trinity.
when you said:
“DP shouldn't be dealing with this anymore (either direct from her or via the kids offloading on him).”
I inferred that you think he should change his behaviour and walk away. If that’s not your AIBU, then what is your question?

No. Never mind! I see you’ve come round.

Yet another example of pick the other parent of your children well. As you're enmeshed for life, whether you like it or not.

I have much sympathy for you, but realistically if he doesnt let his child talk to him about difficulties in their life it will be half a relationship.

He shouldnt get involved, but he will need to support his child Sometimes. Hopefully they will set boundaries themselves over time. Hopefully the support will be more just a sympathetic ear occassionaly and not raise his stress levels.