To not let my DS go away with his Dad

[SRJ7]

I have a DS7 with my ex. Relationship with ex isn't good.

2 months ago he asked for DS for 7 days at the beginning of the summer hols so he could take him to his parents holiday home (in the UK). I said yes and planned around that for the rest of the summer.

3 weeks ago he said he needed to change the dates of the holiday and gave me 5 nights at the end of the summer hols. I said it would mean I'd need to move some stuff around but agreed.

This morning I have had a message to say that he needs to change the dates again - 5 nights in the middle of the summer hols. He already has him 3 of those nights.

The issue is that after the holiday dates changing twice I didn't think he would change them again so have booked annual leave with work (I work full time) and paid for a couple of days out with DS which happen to fall on the last 2 days of the 'new' holiday dates.

I have said to ex that I can't accommodate the new holiday dates as this is the third time they have changed and I've now planned around it. The reply was a whole barrage of abuse about how I'm stopping DS going away with him and he'll make sure our son knows it's me that's stopping him from going.

AIBU for saying he can't go? I don't want him to miss out on the holiday but if he goes then I will lose out on money that I've spent on those 2 days, and as his parents own the holiday hole I don't see why he can't choose dates when our DS is available.

Well it’s not just the money is it?

You have now booked your annual leave to coincide with your childcare days so would now have another two days to find care for.

I would reply calmly and assertively and say that you recognise it is important for your Ds to spend the with his Dad and grandparents which is why you have moved all your dates once. As you presume that you both have your Ds’s best interests at heart you hope he can now make dates that you can accommodate, make the best of his summer to spend time with family, and not be stressed by feeling as if he is in the middle of a tug of war.

Very calmly.

Vent here, but do not rise to his tantrum.

That’s the problem with being a normal and accommodating person.
people like your ex - who is a give them an inch I will take a mile - kind of person don’t respect it.
be changed it twice. Both times you said yea. It was fair to assume that the first time he’d ask to change it he’d made sure that he could actually take his son away on said dates.
you also have a life and have planned around him.
it’s his problem not yours.

YANBU

youve been flexible and accommodating and he keeps changing the goal posts. Let me guess, he’s very controlling generally?

@SuperCamp 's response would be a good one. To be honest though you've done more than enough by swapping the dates. Save the message so you can prove his threats of attempting parental alienation later if needed.

I would stand firm, you’ve been more than accommodating. Pjist keep reiterating you’ve changed plans twice to assist your DS seeing his DF but unfortunately the latest change doesn’t work for you.

But you haven't stopped him. He changed the dates three times and you've already booked annual leave to accommodate his previous changes. I really would stick to your guns here. Do you have a legal representative you can note his threats to use your son as a weapon with? Are you in contact with any of the ex's family or a mutual friend who can act as a voice of reason that it is his repeated chopping and changing that prevents the relationship being seamless?

Unfortunately any response I get is either I'm stopping him seeing his son, I'm a terrible mother or I just get called names.

He regularly cancels having our son, which he seems to forget conveniently.

Just ignore the tantrums and stand your ground. He's just taking the piss.

which happen to fall on the last 2 days of the 'new' holiday dates.

What's the chances of him taking him anyway and refusing to return him in time for your time?

You're not wrong to refuse but just wondering what problems he can cause in response...

@LittleOwl153 Yes that is a concern as 2 years ago he did the exact same thing (although he kept him an extra 4 days, not 2).

Again:
very factual.

”I note that your new proposal actually reduces the summer time you originally planned by xx days because you have already planned to have Ds on xxx of your new dates. I have no problem with those nights as we agreed them a while ago.

I will never deliberately obstruct your planned time with Ds but having accommodated your changes to the holiday home visit once I am unable to do so again because I cannot now arrange work days to cover extra time.

Note that your suggestion to blame me to Ds for inability to make repeated changes is known as parental alienation.

I hope you can arrange to have Ds for a holiday he is looking forward to within the days we agreed”

And yes, save all his messages. The cancellations of contact, changed he makes, abuse, and threats.

Do you have a court order for contact?

@SuperCamp Thank you.
No, we've never been to court.

@comealongponds Not sure if he's controlling but I do get lots of abuse if I can't accommodate something to do with our son.

Oh i get the same but the problem is he can't have a conversation and he doesn't read or reply to my messages so I just tend to tell him to fuck off. Been going on 12 years and no better. Maybe you should just ignore him.

@Ugzbugz I wish I could ignore him but I just end up getting abuse from him!

omg this is such a similar scenario I had with my sons father around 10 years ago. I got such a disgusting barrage of abuse about it too but him changing the dates essentially meant that I then had to pay 2 more weeks of childcare over the summer (long story but I always planned my summer hols around my parents being around for childcare and cos he changed the dates again and again it meant that it ‘ate’ into my free childcare from my parents and therefore would cost me several hundred £’s. I still agreed he could take him on the new dates he asked for, knowing that I would have to take the hit financially, but then the the hotel was booked up cos he then took several more weeks to actually book it, and then of course somehow it was my fault that the hotel was full 🤦‍♀️

tbh it was the first time I ever lost it completely with his father. I gave him as good back and he never contacted my son again!!

good riddance to bad rubbish.

@Mellie555 Yes the amount of money I've lost due to ex changing dates, he just doesn't care!

@SRJ7 i honestly would say that it’s not always in the child’s best interests to have a father like that around. We do all we can to try and keep their father in their lives but it’s usually to the detriment to mental health of both the child and the mother.

we can not allow a father to dip in and out like this and for us to run our lives around their whims and selfish behaviours. It goes n for years and years and years and is not healthy for anyone

I would give him the lowdown that he either sticks to arrangements every single time or not at all. There should be absolutely nothing in between that. He does not rule you or your child. He sticks to an agreed arrangement or nothing.

imagine if we, as mothers, simply woke up in the morning and went ‘nah, don’t feel like looking after you today…’ and just walked out the door; it would be classed as child neglect, I’ve always been passionate about the fact that men constantly cancelling on their kids at their own selfish whim is also child neglect.

@Sellie555 I think he just has a very warped way of looking at things. I say no to him trying to change a date for a third time and that is me stopping him seeing his child! It's exhausting.

Your son has plans those days so is not available. Son is available between x and y dates.

thsts all you need to send lovely. Grey rock.