Cousin fell out with mom

[Chocolat]

Hi I’m in a bit of a dilemma and would appreciate some advice.

Me and this certain cousin have always been close since we were children. Recently in the last few years she has done some questionable things in her life and created multiple arguments with my family. She is known to have a temper. We have also grown apart a little due to living in different locations.

A few months ago a fight broke out between this cousin and a few of my aunties and cousins. Without going into too much details there were some rumours going around about her (which I didn’t think we’re out of the blue or unreasonable for my family to believe given her history). My family didn’t actually do anything with these rumours or bring it up with her and they were actually started by a distant friend of hers. She was upset about these rumours and in turn blew up at my family saying some horrible things like ‘I wish you were all dead’ and swearing etc etc. Very foul mouthed. This blow up actually happened at her own sisters wedding! My mum arrived that day a bit later and tried to go and say hello to her but she continued being foul mouthed. My mum essentially said that she’s not going to take being spoken to in such a manner and that she was in the wrong for bringing up the situation as she did. My cousin didn’t believe what she did was wrong.

Since then she has resolved the issues with the rest of my family but continues to ignore my mum despite her trying to be civil and speak to her. May I also point out she has never apologised for her words and actions to anyone. She has been rude and disrespectful to my mum despite my mum trying to be nice to her. Understandably my mum has now said that she will be civil with her and nothing more.

The thing is I have missed most of what happened. I was present on the day of her sisters wedding when the fight blew up and on that day actually tried to console her as despite how wrong her actions were I knew that she was upset.

We are now meeting again in a few weeks. I personally hate conflict and try to avoid it at all costs but I don’t think I can look past how rude and disrespectful she has been to my mum. Me and my mum are very close and she knows that. However I think she still believes that me and her are ok. I mean I plan to be civil with her but because of what’s happened and her actions I don’t really want anything more to do with her.

AIBU with this? And any advice on how to speak to her about this when we meet up to avoid conflict?

Your cousin sounds horrible. Only nasty people cause drama and stress at someone else's wedding. Personally, I wouldn't have anything to do with her again and tell her why.

I don't think you have to take a position, do you? Her spat with your Mum is between them, nothing to do with you. If either of them tries to make you take sides you can say, "since you asked I don't think that you/she behaved well in that situation, but it's between you and Mum/Cousin to sort out between you"

If you are genuinely offended by her behaviour then tell her so, and why, but I find taking offence on behalf of others in personal arguments can be rather exhausting, I'd avoid it if I were you.

Thanks for your response.

This is what I’m unsure about. Yes the spat is between them and I don’t plan on getting involved. My mum isn’t asking me to takes sides. I think I personally don’t like how my mum is being treated by her and it’s putting me off her if that makes sense.
She still thinks we’re best of pals and I don’t think I can act like that but not sure how to go about it, or if I should just pretend because we don’t actually see each other often.

@CalistoNoSolo this is pretty much how I feel about her but want to avoid conflict lol

Anyone - ANYONE - who treats my Mum like this could fuck off permanently.

Avoid conflict by not meeting up, not getting in touch and putting a massive distance between you and her. She sounds really nasty.

I am also in the “disrespect my mom and you’re dead to me” camp I’m afraid.

I see why you are finding it tricky. I think if you are not interested in making a stand and saying outright "you have gone too far, I'm out" I would just mentally cross her off your list of people to spend time with.

If you see her at family events I would avoid chatting for long or being over-friendly. On social media, don't engage. You can just become a bit emotionally and actually unavailable. Over time she will realise she isn't seeing you as much and she might figure out why, but you don't actually ever have to tell her if you don't want to.

Her still thinking you are the best of pals is her mistake, not you pretending, and she will get the idea eventually if you avoid seeing or talking to her.

Best of luck!

She is a deeply unpleasant person.

For you to carry on normally with someone who treated your mother so awfully would be very poor form.

Lots of us would rather avoid conflict but that is completely different to being disloyal towards your mother whom you say you are so close to.

I cannot imagine staying in contact with someone who would treat a friend as she did, much less, a much loved mother.

I would not meet up with her.
I would cancel any arrangement curtly and block, or....
Tell her it is because of her appalling behaviour towards your mother if you wish.
I would avoid her from now on.

Unless you are a fan of Jeremy Kyle and his ilk, you have no business having anything further to do with this woman.