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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OTT or mansplaining?

17 replies

chocinthefridge · 20/07/2022 10:24

Lighthearted moan. Anyone else's DP do this?

He is very organised and has to plan his work down to the last detail and he does so with family life as well. Fair enough and great to have a partner who is so helpful but he frequently over-involves the kids (6&7) in his/our plans i.e how, what, why and when we are doing every little thing.

He could just say I'm away with work tonight but he goes into detail with them about exactly what he is doing and why. In turn, this spills over into our daily life and I get nagged by the kids who are always questioning why and when we are doing everything. It should be on a need to know basis. Keep it simple for them.

He can be sensitive to me bringing up anything to do with his parenting though and says I'm blaming him for anything not right with the kids. How do I tell him to back off a bit on all the over-explaining?

It's bothering me because one of my kids is getting stressed about being late etc and he asked me at 6am what we are doing in 2 days time. Is that normal?
They are also starting to not listen to me because they are hearing too much if that makes sense? I think they switch off a bit.

At least he cares and is overly conscientious and not the other way round!

OP posts:

WunWun · 20/07/2022 10:30

My ex husband used to be a bit like this with planning stuff. It was nothing to do with why we split up, but I just found it so boring. There was no spontaneity. We could never have a day out without discussing what we were going to do when we got back, what we were going to have for dinner.

I don't have any advice but I agree that it's not good for the kids

Mayorquimby2 · 20/07/2022 10:48

That's not what mansplaining is

#MansplainingMansplaining

brookstar · 20/07/2022 10:51

That's not mansplaining......

I do this a bit with DS. I'm a planner and like to know what we're doing and when and I often talk through our plans with DS.
Plans change sometimes though and we're all okay with that.

Original poster

chocinthefridge · 20/07/2022 11:10

I've just remembered what mansplaining is 😂

It's nice to have a plan and kids like to know roughly what's going on but it's the details he goes into. He talks to them like colleagues sometimes! The meaning behind it is lovely but in reality, they get hung up on stuff they shouldn't care about in my eyes. A need to know basis?

OP posts:

Original poster

chocinthefridge · 20/07/2022 11:24

How would you approach it with him? He's not doing
anything wrong but there are a lot of unnecessary discussions with the kids as they hold him to stuff and there's the whining and arguing with us about what's going on.

(I used to be a SAHM. As he was leaving for work, he would give them a rundown of what they could do at home... play in garden for a bit, then Lego, then TV etc.. I used to say 'Don't worry, I've got it!')

I find it a bit OTT but maybe that's just me 😂He's just too good at his job to switch off!

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 20/07/2022 11:31

Just sounds like a good parent interacting with his children.

easyday · 20/07/2022 11:53

I think some men just do this. I remember my late husband telling someone how to get somewhere and instead of just saying 'take the train to Woking and change there for Portsmouth' (for example), he gave a rundown on why the train didn't go straight through because of X engineering works that caused Y and Z not to work and therefore A, B and C was necessary and so on and on...

HangOnToYourself · 20/07/2022 12:16

Can you give some examples as I'm struggling to understand the issue a bit. I tend to tell ds plans as he likes to know what's going on, I only dont tell him if it's a plan that might change (e.g. weather dependent) to avoid disappointment

DisappearingGirl · 20/07/2022 12:22

I think if you want to raise something with DH then you have a right to, even if he gets grumpy about it. Then again we all get a bit defensive when we are criticised. I'd probably just say it, in as nice a way as you can. Even if he gets grumpy, it'll still go in.

The other day I grumbled to my DP that it was only me who replenishes the loo rolls in the bathroom (they are in another cupboard due to lack of space). He got mildly grumpy. But the next day DD said she had just seen daddy heading to the bathroom with a big tower of loo rolls. So it obviously went in :) I think I am the same when (mildly) criticised, to be fair!

toastofthetown · 20/07/2022 12:54

That’s not mansplaining, just explaining. It’s not even a bad thing, you and your partner just have different communication styles with your children. It’s not something to approach with him, as you said, he’s not doing anything wrong. If your children are asking you more questions, maybe their preference is to have more knowledge. I know I like to know granular detail with planning things, whereas my husband is happy with ‘we’ll head off around six and figure it out when we’re there’. Maybe your children have a more similar attitude to your partner in that regard.

Lunadreamer · 20/07/2022 13:03

One of my kids is autistic and I literally need to have the entire day planned and explained to them each day. Some people are naturally anxious and plans help them deal with that. If it helps your DH and DC what's the harm?

Hadalifeonce · 20/07/2022 13:10

I am a planner but all the planning goes on within me, I just give an overall picture to anyone else who is involved/interested.
can you frame it as being too much information or management for the children, explaining that it's lovely he wants them to be involved , but information overload causes them some anxiety about other things. It's difficult to do it without it sounding like a criticism, but I believe that's the important thing to avoid.

if he is a manager at work, ask if he always tells his subordinates every single detail of his job and decision making process.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 20/07/2022 13:17

Some people need to talk about their plans to ingrain it in their mind, maybe it helps him remember? And some kids just like knowing what's going on, especially if there's something they want to do but have no control over it's quite normal!

GoldenSpiral · 20/07/2022 13:23

I think your DH sounds lovely and thoughtful! Your DC will grow up conscientious and will hopefully think through their actions and decisions in a similar way.

balalake · 20/07/2022 13:25

Seems OTT to me.

He'd never be able to work with Mr Johnson, so at least one blessing!!!!

yonce · 20/07/2022 14:17

GoldenSpiral · 20/07/2022 13:23

I think your DH sounds lovely and thoughtful! Your DC will grow up conscientious and will hopefully think through their actions and decisions in a similar way.

This is what I thought! But also I'm the same as your DH so maybe I'm biased 😂

Getoff · 20/07/2022 14:39

It sounds like his children will from a young age have a far better understanding of organising and planning and thinking things through than many adults. To their benefit.

There are adults, who if they are supposed to to meet someone half-an-hour away at 10am, will vaguely think about getting ready to go out, when they notice it's 10am, or later. (Also, they don't know it's half-an-hour away, because is hasn't occurred to them they need to know the travelling time, because the whole the concept of working out a time before 10am to leave is alien to them.)

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