Teaching sex and relationships in school v at home

[Nathleia]

My 12-year-old DD, after being taught in high school about celebrating diversity in gender and LGBTQIA+, came to me in confidence to reveal that she thinks she may be bisexual, she was very nervous but knows she can discuss anything with me.
Setting aside my personal views which are very open, I decided to explore this with her. I asked why she feels that she may be bisexual, and she told me that she feels very close to one of her female school friends and wants to hug her but doesn’t because of school rules.
At home, we are very affectionate with each other, lots of hugs and cuddles. My daughter is on the autistic spectrum and struggles to meander through all the social etiquette, politics, and rules, so I’m very pragmatic when I discuss things with her.
So, I asked her, does she want to kiss her friend on the mouth and do more than hug her? She responded with “Ew, no! Not at all!” So, I explained that she’s probably too young to have sexual feelings, that sexual feelings come when the mind and body are mature enough to want to have a close relationship, that includes things like kissing.
I explained that until she has these physical feelings, that it’s unlikely that she’s bisexual, but that she has a wonderful friendship and that it’s very normal to want to do things like handholding and hugging with your besties.

AIBU? I’m personally very disturbed that a child is losing their innocence too young and are stressing and worrying over their normal feelings and behaviour with their friends, that society believes that exposing them to knowledge so early is good for them. I believe that children have their own rate of maturity and growth, and it should be the parents’ responsibility to have pragmatic and open discussion at home about periods, sex, and relationships when the parents feel it is the right time to do so.
Doing this at school means that everyone is taught at the same age and whereas some will be ready to hear it, others will not, and it can be frightening and disturbing for them. Doing this at home means a safe environment where they can ask as many questions as they like in private and have a better frame of mind at the end of it, rather than a generalised knowledge dump at school leaving the children to figure it out for those that don't feel that they can talk to their parents.
My youngest DD is 9, and is currently being taught about biology and gender, and I know of children who are declaring themselves non-binary etc. perhaps they are mature enough to understand this aspect of themselves, perhaps it’s a case of they think they need to decide this at an early age, bowing to peer pressure or wanting to stand out in a crowd, forgetting how to be children and just have fun. Do children so young need to be overthinking and analysing their relationships with the friends, wondering if there are other meanings to why they are friends?
I’m sure there are arguments to the contrary, that exposing them early means that they can understand what’s happening, and how people might take advantage of them, that there are other things to consider, like environmental and public exposure via social media and media in general.

You can’t rely on parents to provide the education because many don’t. Not all families have open relationships.

I don’t think talking about the ideas of different kinds of relationship is inappropriate at all for 12 year olds and the fact she was able to come and talk to you about her confusion is fantastic.

it’s much better these things are taught rather than developed through playground chatter!

I am totally against this whole non-binary thing 🤷🏻‍♀️ I find it super sexist!!!

So with my kids I'll try to raise them as people. People with different body parts, and specific needs related to that body parts. Full stop. I'm a woman who did engineering at university, never really liked women's fashion, makeup, doing hair.... but I'm still very much a woman

I think it's very common for children to have sexual feelings way, way before 12.

I just say "cool, you do you and be happy" rather than make some big thing of it. You getting her to quantify what she'd want to do to her friend, at 12, took her gentle confession into the realm of weird, and then you told her it was unlikely to be true. Excellent. She wanted to discuss it with you and you just said 'nah you're probably not' and now she won't bring it up again.

Just be relaxed about it and don't give lengthy lectures or definitions. And especially don't conclude 'no you're not ' because of some example you plucked from thin air.

I don't think you can rely on families sadly, not all mums are like you. Also, too many have no dad in much of their life, which seems to affect boys more than girls.

A lot of children do not come from families where sex and relationships are discussed at home, never mind in a supportive way. There are basics that everyone needs to learn, and 12 is on theold side - many girls will have started their periods long before then and if parents do not prepare them, imagine the shock. The 'innocence' argument is a nonsense because certain parents will use it to keep their children ignorant.

Your example shows that the sex ed your DD is receiving is spot on - it raised questions, she has come home and discussed it with you and you have been able to supplement it in a way that works with her autism.

There's a reason why countries which strt sex ed very young also have the lowest teenage pregnancy and abortion rates.

Asking her whether she wanted to kiss and touch her friend seems a bit… I dunno, odd. Who really wants to discuss the sex they’d like to be having with their mum, however close and open the relationship is? Just reassuring her that it’s totally fine to feel the way she does, but that she doesn’t have to put herself into any kind of a box or give herself a label right now would have done the job.

You can't leave it up to parents because sadly you'd get lots of young people who weren't then taught anything. Teaching it in schools is the way to go.. but I worry for this generation who are being taught about so many different labels - as they may feel they need to attach one to themselves.

My view is to explain that it is okay to be who you are, and love who you love. That's it.

I do think the way that we educate about sex and relationships in schools needs an overhaul, though. Some adults have good boundaries and know what a healthy relationship looks like and others really don’t, and this is as likely to apply to teachers as any other adult; some people are confident talking about sex and all it entails and others aren’t. But in most schools, it just falls upon whichever teacher has capacity in their schedule to deliver the teaching, rather than those who would be genuinely good at doing it. Hence the reliance on wackjob materials from dubious external providers by those who are reticent.

I think YABU, to be honest.

Do children so young need to be overthinking and analysing their relationships with the friends, wondering if there are other meanings to why they are friends?

We were all doing the same at 12, and I was 12 a long time ago. Many people had their first 'boyfriends' (i.e. boys they held hands with, mostly!) in year 8, and we were certainly capable of crushes etc. But I was at school when section 28 was still in place and we were much less open about/aware of/felt able to talk about being gay or bi, and I have gay friends who found that very difficult and damaging. So I think it's good that - within the (in my experience) developmentally normal window for discovering crushes and exploring romantic attraction, your daughter and other kids feel able to explore something that isn't heterosexuality without too much fear or angst. And that she could talk about it with you.

I believe that children have their own rate of maturity and growth, and it should be the parents’ responsibility to have pragmatic and open discussion at home about periods, sex, and relationships when the parents feel it is the right time to do so.

I get what you mean, but unfortunately there are a lot of people who wouldn't, or would do so in a way that caused damage (a lot of homophobic people still around, I know plenty of grown adults who would be horrified at discussing periods or sex or body changes with their children and therefore would put it off, lots of people who might pass on damaging ideas about consent or bodily autonomy or shame around sexuality). It's on the curriculum to ensure all children get a basic understanding of their bodies and relationships, and then parents can support that at home - then the ones whose parents don't bother or worse, do in a damaging way, still have an opportunity to learn. I had a friend at uni who was homeschooled until sixth form (by which time sex education was long finished). Her parents were very strictly religious and she had no idea about her body, had been told if she had sex she was damaged goods and not to come home from uni, and begged us to buy her tampons because she was unable to do so herself. She lost her virginity blind drunk at 20 and was so mortified and ashamed she didn't go home for easter holidays because she was concerned her parents would be able to tell. If she'd had school sex education, she would have had much less of a stressful time and would be much less conflicted about basic human bodily functions and desires.