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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are narcissists always bad news?

14 replies

Bnxybee · 20/07/2022 09:56

Do you think it’s possible to have traits of NPD yet still care for others? Or will it always end badly?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 20/07/2022 10:07

Are narcs always bad news? - YES
Can they care for others? - NO
Will it end badly - YES

Why do you ask OP?
Are you fooling your self that Your Narc Is Different And Your Love Alone Can Save Them?

NotTheMrMenAgain · 20/07/2022 10:18

Are people with narcissistic traits always bad news? Yes. Yes they are - every single time.

DenholmElliot1 · 20/07/2022 10:19

Are narcissists always bad news? Yes, they are always bad news.

Bnxybee · 20/07/2022 10:25

KettrickenSmiled · 20/07/2022 10:07

Are narcs always bad news? - YES
Can they care for others? - NO
Will it end badly - YES

Why do you ask OP?
Are you fooling your self that Your Narc Is Different And Your Love Alone Can Save Them?

@KettrickenSmiled DH recently went away for a few days. I had an old friend come stay with me who I usually never see. She confessed it’s because she thinks my DH is a narcissist. I will admit, he shows traits but I’ve always chalked it down to deep insecurity.

For instance, he got extremely good results in school but never wanted to study A-Levels. He chose to study art instead and has the equivalent of a degree. He’s now on a salary of 21k. Last night I had the usual speech of how he’s not on the pay he deserves and it’s a shame his teachers never recognised his academic potential and pushed him harder. The fact he doesn’t have a first is apparently due to his parents not supporting him enough financially. If I challenge him, he gets really touchy.

He constantly says he could run his company better than his boss. I just keep my mouth shut because it’s not worth it, tbh.

OP posts:
Bnxybee · 20/07/2022 10:30

He used to talk about how incompetent his colleagues at his old job were so i asked him once out of genuine interest, “when you used to walk into your office, did you actually think you were smarter and more competent than everyone there.”
Him: “Didn’t think, I knew”. Then laughed so he might have been joking, I don’t know.

OP posts:
Nathleia · 20/07/2022 10:33

Bnxybee · 20/07/2022 10:30

He used to talk about how incompetent his colleagues at his old job were so i asked him once out of genuine interest, “when you used to walk into your office, did you actually think you were smarter and more competent than everyone there.”
Him: “Didn’t think, I knew”. Then laughed so he might have been joking, I don’t know.

Sounds like my NarcX

Yes, bad news, every time.

RunnerDown · 20/07/2022 10:35

People who have narcissistic personality disorder can be very difficult to live with. Narcissistic personality traits are on a spectrum, and many people can have these traits . There is a very loose use of the term “ narc” online , and a reductionist approach to thinking about personality and behaviour.
No-one can decide on the basis of this limited information whether or not your dh has a personality disorder or some narcissistic traits. Maybe it’s more important to consider how he treats you within the relationship and whether he is a kind and supportive partner in other ways .

Legoninjago1 · 20/07/2022 10:43

Hmm yes - in my experience they a pretty much devoid / incapable of empathy. They can maybe parrot empathy on an intellectual level but they can't feel it for others - however they do expect to have the full benefit of others' empathy towards themselves. Totally self obsessed and utterly hypocritical. I won't have any narcs in my life.

Staynow · 20/07/2022 10:55

He will care about you as long as you are useful to him - that is the depth of the care he is capable of if he is a narc. Don't lose your looks whatever you do, that will likely be what you are valued for - if not then you are merely the security blanket that makes him look like a good husband and father while he shags around elsewhere.

Narcs are deeply insecure - they will say anything to keep you, you are a toy or pet to be owned to them, people are just pawns that are useful or not at which point they are easily discarded. Narcs have no true self esteem, they need to be constantly reassured and told they're great, while at the same time they have huge egos and think they are too good for anyone. They want perfection in the person they are with, model face, porn star body, impressive job, that's what they think they deserve and if they don't get it then it's not down to them it's down to not being properly appreciated and they become very bitter. No matter how perfect you start out though and how much of a pedestal they put you, on over time you will show imperfections and eventually you'll fall off and be found wanting. He will never be wrong about anything, it will always be someone or something else's fault, you might be the scapegoat, or your kids but it will never be his fault.

He will say things so absurd you will think he must be joking, he won't be - but he'll be the king of back tracking/forgetting he said it/telling you it was a joke. He will lie like a psychopath and gas light you to the end of your days and he will be obsessed with looking good but have no care for being good. As you can see after 25 years of experience I can safely say that narcs are bad news.

godmum56 · 20/07/2022 11:10

RunnerDown · 20/07/2022 10:35

People who have narcissistic personality disorder can be very difficult to live with. Narcissistic personality traits are on a spectrum, and many people can have these traits . There is a very loose use of the term “ narc” online , and a reductionist approach to thinking about personality and behaviour.
No-one can decide on the basis of this limited information whether or not your dh has a personality disorder or some narcissistic traits. Maybe it’s more important to consider how he treats you within the relationship and whether he is a kind and supportive partner in other ways .

This. I think a lot depends on what the traits are and how strong. Are they self aware and can they control what they do/say? What use to they make of the person they are? And yes are they capable of caring about individuals and how do they demonstrate that care?
Having said that, I don't think it matters why this bloke is how he is...its what he does that would make me dump him. Blaming others for his own failure is never attractive. I have walked into a room and known i was the brightest person there but my thought from there was how I can use that to forward the the work I was doing and how would I need to adjust my approach?

Bnxybee · 20/07/2022 11:12

Staynow · 20/07/2022 10:55

He will care about you as long as you are useful to him - that is the depth of the care he is capable of if he is a narc. Don't lose your looks whatever you do, that will likely be what you are valued for - if not then you are merely the security blanket that makes him look like a good husband and father while he shags around elsewhere.

Narcs are deeply insecure - they will say anything to keep you, you are a toy or pet to be owned to them, people are just pawns that are useful or not at which point they are easily discarded. Narcs have no true self esteem, they need to be constantly reassured and told they're great, while at the same time they have huge egos and think they are too good for anyone. They want perfection in the person they are with, model face, porn star body, impressive job, that's what they think they deserve and if they don't get it then it's not down to them it's down to not being properly appreciated and they become very bitter. No matter how perfect you start out though and how much of a pedestal they put you, on over time you will show imperfections and eventually you'll fall off and be found wanting. He will never be wrong about anything, it will always be someone or something else's fault, you might be the scapegoat, or your kids but it will never be his fault.

He will say things so absurd you will think he must be joking, he won't be - but he'll be the king of back tracking/forgetting he said it/telling you it was a joke. He will lie like a psychopath and gas light you to the end of your days and he will be obsessed with looking good but have no care for being good. As you can see after 25 years of experience I can safely say that narcs are bad news.

Sorry for all the drip feeding but this post struck a chord with me.

He is quite overweight and was dieting for 2/3 weeks. He told me the other week that he wouldn’t be with me if I became too overweight. I was flabbergasted considering he’s put on about 3/4 stone since we met.

Getting sick of it all tbh.

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 20/07/2022 11:36

We all have narcissistic traits, it's just a degree of how much and how self aware the person is to recognise when they are being selfish or unreasonable. There's a balance between rrasonable selfishness in prioritising your needs and pursuing them at the expense of others needs

If you are able to point out things that upset you and they make the effort to curb their behaviour you have something to work with. If not, your choices are to accommodate their behaviour (at the expense of your mental health) or leave so someone who is selfish and won't adapt is bound to fail in relationships. I know a couple of people who look completely blank when their selfishness is pointed out to them, hence why I don't see them anymore.

That's a whole different kettle of fish to someone with a diagnosis of NPD. That's their personality, who they are and very difficult to change.

WormHasTurned · 20/07/2022 11:40

There’s a big difference between having NPD and an armchair diagnosis of suspected narcissism…BUT I suspect my STBXH is a covert narcissist. The trouble with being married to someone like that is it’s always someone else’s fault, and gradually all their problems become your fault. You can’t reason with it. You can’t justify your behaviour, they twist everything. It’s exhausting. I’ve been separated for 6 months and every day I think of something he did or said that pissed me off and I feel nothing but relief.

LovemehatemeIdontcare · 20/07/2022 18:49

Sounds more like a sociopath. Taking no responsibility, blaming others, detached and disconnected emotionally.

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