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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

…to not want to go ahead with this?

16 replies

LuvMyBoyz · 20/07/2022 05:31

Adult DS2 still lives with us and I am officially his carer as he receives benefits due to his significant learning disabilities. We have recently put in an offer for a nearby flat (no mortgage involved) with the intention of setting him up with a care package so he can be (more) independent. (We are well aware he will need our help as long as we are around and we are obviously happy with that.) We have delayed because of Covid and I feel we should delay again due to the predicted cost of living crisis. But he also needs to learn to live without us and be set up in case something incapacitates one or both us. What do you think?

IABU: he needs to be independent asap as we are both nearly 60 years old and will not be able to care for him forever.

IANBU: now is not the time to set him up alone and face cost of living increases on his benefits.

OP posts:

marmiteandminticecream · 20/07/2022 05:39

i think you should do it . things ain't going to change and he needs to learn how to look after himself
best do it now while you are able to to navigate him into independent living

Luxa · 20/07/2022 05:43

Yes, do it now. The sooner the better.

MintJulia · 20/07/2022 05:54

The 'cost of living crisis' is not abnormal, it's something we all have to learn to deal with. On a personal basis I had a cost of living crisis during my three years at uni, during the first two years of my mortgage and during the first year after my maternity leave.
The difference was fewer people were going through the same thing at the same time, but as an individual, it's a normal part of life that can must be managed.

So the sooner you start to teach him, the sooner he will learn.

Wilkolampshade · 20/07/2022 05:54

You're not at all unreasonable to want to delay given the financial outlook but honestly? I really think it needs to be done despite this.

girlmom21 · 20/07/2022 06:07

How long would you delay for? It's inevitable there'll be some struggles whenever you do it. I think it's kindest to do it while you've got as long as possible to support him.

Els1e · 20/07/2022 06:12

I would support him to do it now whilst you are strong enough, physically and mentally. Much nicer for him. Leaving it till you are infirm or no longer around puts a lot of pressure on him. This is not an easy situation but it’ll be best in the long run. This way you can visit him regularly, he can visit you. It becomes like small steps to him living without you. Hugs to you - you’re a good mum 💐

LIC1985 · 20/07/2022 06:17

Does it need to be a mortgage or is there no option for him to move out with help from any other form? If he is entitled to benefits had he been offered any support in independent living

LIC1985 · 20/07/2022 06:18

Apologies just realised I read that totally wrong and no mortgage involved! Sorry teach me to read things early in the morning

Original poster

LuvMyBoyz · 20/07/2022 06:51

Thank you for your replies. You make absolute sense. DH is also of the opinion that there will always be things getting in the way. We have weathered some storms together as a family and I am calming down and seeing this as another obstacle to get over. We constantly have to talk each other into ‘letting go’ of him as his company (and benefits, won’t lie!) will be hard to live without. I knew mumsnet would help.

OP posts:

JasmineVioletRose · 20/07/2022 07:01

I think you should go for it too OP.
What lovely parents you are.
It will be peace of mind for you all when you can see he is able to cope with help.
I can only imagine how hard this is. But honestly there's always going to be a reason to delay isn't there?
Go for it! And good luck to your DS 🧡

WhatInFreshHell · 20/07/2022 07:03

Definitely go for it OP. It'll be wonderful for DS to have a little independence and good for you too.

Original poster

LuvMyBoyz · 20/07/2022 07:12

Thank you. We have a long way to go to get him in his own place. The process of getting a care package in place is terrifying but it’s best for DS in the long term.

DH has talked me through it all again and we haven’t even got out of bed yet!

OP posts:

StottyCakeandJam · 20/07/2022 08:10

Hang on in there. We’ve done this for our adult child and although it’s scary and doesn’t always go smoothly, it’s for the best in the long run. Good luck!

MoodyTwo · 20/07/2022 09:29

I'd do it now, then he can learn when it's bad and then he'll know how bad it can get, instead of learning when it is rosy and struggling when it gets bad again

Original poster

LuvMyBoyz · 20/07/2022 10:07

@StottyCakeandJam Thank you. It’s definitely for the best and it’s encouraging to know you’re on the other side of it all.

Thanks again to you all.

OP posts:

StottyCakeandJam · 20/07/2022 11:04

@LuvMyBoyz take a look at Advanceuk.org as there’s some good advice/help on there & lots of options.

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