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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mortgage together after 1 year of dating

14 replies

bingoludo · 20/07/2022 04:17

Hi all,

Long time lurker, first time poster. Hoping for some genuine advice - very willing to change my view point, but after a long search on the internet I can't find much information either way. 2 AIBU questions - please help! (Apologies in advance for the long message).

My extremely close friend got into a relationship in April this year with a person she met in January. It has been tumultuous - can provide details if relevant, but not my focus here. Included purely to indicate that the 4-months of their relationship so far has been anything but plain sailing.

She and her boyfriend apparently plan on getting a mortgage at the start of next year (9 months - 1 year relationship). Seem very serious and have been looking together, speaking to advisors etc. Boyfriend has expressed that he thinks 1 year is far too soon to get married, but that a mortgage is a good next step. However there's a lot of extremely fundamental disagreements they are having over e.g. his drug use (she is completely anti-drugs but switched her viewpoint suddenly on meeting him, saying she needs to be "open minded"), having frequent parties etc. So firstly - AIBU for thinking this is an awful idea?

She's my absolute closest friend, and has been for over 10 years. I consider her as close as family. Further, her family and other friends are all completely supportive, and apparently nobody whatsoever has expressed to her any doubts or worries. This hence makes me feel like I need to be the one to bring it up to her, at least slightly. However, any previous attempts to talk to her about it are completely shot down - she will change the conversation immediately, or even talk over me to not hear what I have to say. I haven't pushed too hard to be heard because I think it's fundamentally her life, and her relationship - however is this possibly me doing her a disservice? If it was anyone else, Id leave them to it - but there's nobody in my life as close to me as she is, and I think she feels the same. WIBU to push harder to discuss this with her, or should I just accept that she doesn't want feedback, and leave them to it?

There's some complexity in that my friend is currently in quite a low place with her MH, and I think that could be feeding into her choices right now. However, again, is this really my place? Should I just support them completely?

Also, if anyone just has any advice or anecdotes I would really appreciate it.

OP posts:

SmokedTofu · 20/07/2022 04:29

I'd be very worried if this was my friend. Only a few months together, lots of conflict already, and he's a drug user? Serious alarm bells. It's a difficult one though as it doesn't sound like she's ready to listen to reason and you don't want to push her away. I think you need to approach it very carefully and ensure she knows you'll be there for her no matter what.

Lemmeparticipate · 20/07/2022 05:21

So many red flags....
Just advise her to protect her share of the property appropriately if she's financially contributing.

And to consider whether she could afford the mortgage on her own if something happened....

girlmom21 · 20/07/2022 06:17

If this was my best friend I'd tell her and keep telling her how much of a bad idea this is. But that's the kind of relationship we have.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/07/2022 06:27

Do they have equal amounts of equity and similar incomes?
obviously this is a really bad idea but she needs to learn that on her own I expect

Original poster

bingoludo · 20/07/2022 06:34

@CloseYourEyesAndSee I believe they have similar incomes, but he's a little bit older so has more savings. However, he is from a much richer family who have the means to bail him out (and apparently have in the past).

I worry the same about learning it on her own...

OP posts:

MintJulia · 20/07/2022 06:40

Can they not rent somewhere together. I'd be concerned too.

JorisBonson · 20/07/2022 06:42

Bit much. DH and I rented for a year to make sure we liked loving together before we bought.

TwoStepsAhead34 · 20/07/2022 07:48

You can only do so much for your friend.
It's her life at the end of the day and you can be there once it all comes down like a house of cards.
I tried to reason with my friend who bought a house with her fella. He is a ginormous pisstaking freeloading cocklodger, who's only interest is his own well being. Doing very little family stuff, always tired from work (both work 37.5h per week). All the family, house, everyday grind fell onto her. I can't stand the sight of him.
Anyway. Mr Personality decided they should buy a house. But couldn't afford the mortgage in full, so went for shared ownership 50/50.
Took ages to get through with mortgage/exchanging etc as the surveyor flagged major flood risk.
Did I tell my friend to walk away? Ofcourse. Did she listen? Nope. He kept saying to her instead how I'm a bad friend and I'm just jealous and how my friend would be better off without me. Only found out because their daughter said it to me as she had heard them talking and I asked my friend, she tried to deny, but confessed in the end. I took MASSIVE steps back from the friendship and let her to get on with it.
They got keys. Moved in.
First winter - torrential rain, we had snow that time too. It all melted/no proper drainage and flooded her kitchen/lounge.
I think it got flooded 6/7 times over the first winter month. Woke up to a flood on Christmas Day, with most presents floating around the room. Expensive ones ruined.
My friend came to me and complained how everything has turnt into shit. By that time I was beyond the point of caring.
It took them long time to sort, all happened before covid.
They now finally managed to sell it back to the company who owns the other 50%. They are back at renting. Lost thousands of pounds. Our friendship never recovered. He is still a wanker..

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 20/07/2022 08:11

Sounds like she already knows this is a bad idea deep down, that's why she doesn't want to hear it from you. It means that she is wrong and she doesn't want to be because she is "in love".

No matter what you do, I think you're going to be ignored. Try of course, hopefully she will listen, but I doubt it. Be there for her when it goes wrong.

spotcheck · 20/07/2022 08:16

If you feel you must say anything, advise to ring fence her deposit.
Then leave it alone

127LMS · 20/07/2022 08:17

I brought a property with my husband 5 months into our relationship. We did have a number of issues at the start but I was firm these were no negotiable and needed to change. We've now been happily married for years.

Youve expressed your opinion. I’d now leave it and be there for her if it goes tits up and they need to sell the property/for her to be brought out.

Eunorition · 20/07/2022 08:18

It's very sad she's decided to trash her life and get a mortgage with a drug addict, but there's nothing you can do. Lots of people chuck their lives away for a shit partner. She can look forward to inevitable single motherhood, debt and years of poverty. You can only be a sympathetic ear.

Gsds · 20/07/2022 08:22

does she know she will be responsible for the whole mortgage if he goes on a bender and spends all his money on drugs? does she know the ramifications tit will have on her credit file if she can’t cover his share? Not a chance in hell would I tie myself financially to a druggy.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/07/2022 08:27

bingoludo · 20/07/2022 06:34

I worry the same about learning it on her own...

She is insane to consider committing her finances to a druggie she's known for 4 months & who has history of needing to be bailed out by his family.

I find it hard to believe that you, out of ALL her friends & family, are the only one who thinks so. She's either bullshitting you about that, or her family don't give a shit about her welfare.

They will buy their place, he will renege on the mortgage payments, & she will be forced to cover for him or lose her home. This is going to be a very expensive mistake. All you can do is warn her, then be there to support her when it all goes tits up because her b/f prefers buying drugs to paying bills, & has form for doing so previously.

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