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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not see them even if it comes between us?

41 replies

Puglover287 · 19/07/2022 18:48

Bit of a long one, sorry.

I am pregnant, due to get married soon and I’ve just had enough of my DP’s family.
For as long as I’ve known them (6years) it’s been super turbulent and dramatic. If there is no drama or upset, they will create it, particularly MIL. They will fabricate things or do/say things which 99% of people would never do as they would know they’d be inflammatory. Over the years I’ve been accused of having said or done all sorts by MIL in particular, which my DP has always believed and I’ve had to go to extremes at times to prove my innocence E.g. she joined a group which I was already a member of and told DP I had excluded her from meetings but she was never supposed to attend said meetings and I had to get superiors involved to prove this wasn’t true as DP had said I was bullying her. She said I’d called her a number of nasty names over email but then couldn’t back this up as it wasn’t true.

Recently, the drama has been too much/too frequent, and the most frustrating part is that she constantly lies and fabricates information to make things seem worse (?). DP has now started to realise this but still engages in the drama and is often exasperated by it. Another big issue is that she says very peculiar, inflammatory things to me and DP. We recently announced that we were having our baby to be met with a story about how she miscarried a baby at 20 weeks and it was horrific (last time we heard the story it was a 12 week loss so who knows) ….. when she is aware this is my first successful pregnancy almost 2 years after an ectopic that saw me go into cardiac arrest and have to be resuscitated. Everyone else just congratulated us and said how happy they were as they know we’ve been through a tough time TTC/with my health and health anxiety since what happened last time. (Also, regarding my ectopic and cardiac arrest she told me and DP that Cardiac arrest happens to loads of women who lose babies and that it’s very common and that it wasn’t anything to be concerned about. All my consultants at the time and everyone I’ve seen since with this pregnancy have clarified this is complete BS but DP believed it at the time so wasn’t as supportive as he could have been. He now realises it was very rare and could have been fatal and is a concern in this pregnancy too).

I have distanced myself by removing myself from group chats and no longer visit their house or see them in external settings. They do not visit us at all. DP is finding this very difficult and is not handling this well. Whilst my MH is better for this as I’m not longer being spoken down to or having strange things said to me, DP does not get why I can’t be around them anymore. He thinks this is just what families do.

Today is DP’s birthday and he has gone for a meal with them. I said I did want to attend when he told me about it on the weekend as I really cannot bear to be around them and he said that was fine, although he was disappointed. This has however now turned into a bit of a row because he thinks I should support him on his birthday. I disagree because he’s been made very aware of the years of shit I’ve put up with to be with him and that I’ve grown tired of it.

So AIBU or is it fair enough?

YANBU - they sound difficult and it’s better for your MH if you don’t have a relationship with them
YABU - DP is right and you should put up with them for his sake

OP posts:

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 19/07/2022 19:36

You should've left long ago. I've been where you are so know the suffering

It came to a head when I told DH I hated his mother more than I loved him and couldn't live with her in my life so he would have to go. We had 2 kids and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop her in their lives if we split but that was the lesser evil.

2 days later she acted like herself and he cut her out. We stayed together
and had another baby.

He's had some wobbles and tried to bring her up but I've held strong. If he wants to see her that's fine. If he wants her in our kids life I will divorce and leave.

You need to realise this bitch is going to ruin your life.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 19/07/2022 19:43

I would honestly postpone the wedding.

This will cause you so much drama unless he steps up.

Original poster

Puglover287 · 19/07/2022 20:07

The wedding is only a month away so I need to decide now on what to do asap. After this many years, I do doubt whether anything would change regardless of whether we went to counselling. DP feels that I’m making him choose between me and his family but refusing to engage with them/have contact with them. I don’t see it that way but worry incase I come across as manipulative by saying I won’t see them, leaving him to choose between us?

OP posts:

ilyx · 19/07/2022 20:09

Why don’t you just cut her off and tell him that you want absolutely no contact with her. If he wants to see her that’s his business, but tell him you don’t want to be in the same room as her again and see what he says.

70billionthnamechange · 19/07/2022 20:22

NameChange3210 · 19/07/2022 19:04

@Puglover287 I mean it is usual to have a relationship with your in laws of course… but not when they are a massive PITA and no-one is willing to step in and stop them!

Is there any reason they would be cruel TO the baby?

IMO with in-laws like this, they won’t be cruel to their grandchild etc of course not, HOWEVER, they will do whatever they can to be cruel to you as a parent. My ex MIL would take my very distressed baby away from me and say “come with your Mummy now” and used to call DD her child (which was very sensitive to me because my first child died) - it got to the point where I MASSIVELY kicked off and she didn’t dare try it again!

Not sure it makes a difference, if she's a twat to their Mum (for no reason) then she's a twat

70billionthnamechange · 19/07/2022 20:23

Sorry for saying that word, I've had a gin so got a bit cocky

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 19/07/2022 20:55

Puglover287 · 19/07/2022 20:07

And? You should make him choose! Why do people shy away from that. Tell him black and white he cant have both. If he wants you he doesn't get the Brady bunch big happy family.

Crumpleton · 19/07/2022 21:38

Puglover287 · 19/07/2022 19:28

God knows why I’ve put up with it. I’m young (mid 20s) and we’ve built a successful life together so I think I just pushed this crap aside but now we’re going to be parents, I’m fed up and can’t take anymore.
Every time there is an issue, DP explains it away. He has been in the same room as us when she’s said certain things and he denies he’s heard them and then convinces me that they won’t have been meant in the context of the conversation. She has also previously said that if she’s having a bad day then he is supposed to cut her slack and question more why she’s said something mean rather than confront her, as that’s victim blaming (?). It’s very toxic and I can’t ever reason with it. I’m just told to get over it.

If your DP doesn't have your back and pretty much puts his mother before you what part of your relationship do you see as being successful?

Gymnopedie · 19/07/2022 22:03

DP feels that I’m making him choose between me and his family but refusing to engage with them/have contact with them.

Let me translate that for you. He means he expects you to play nice and suck up all the drama and the insults with never so much as a squeak. This then, in his mind, absolves him from actually doing anything because everything is hunkydory in his world.

Cancel the wedding. And to be honest I'd be out of the relationship. This won't get better, only worse. I do feel a bit sorry for him if he's always at the bottom of the pile and gets the insults too, and tries to gain their approval by never rocking the boat. he thinks that's the way to get them to like him and praise him. He's wrong of course, it just reinforces their view of him. But if he won't do anything to change, then you have to change the situation. Leave him to his family dynamic before your baby is born and before you are tied to him legally by marriage.

DadAndLovingIt · 19/07/2022 22:28

Puglover287 · 19/07/2022 20:07

You might be surprised!

Any half decent therapist will know how to make him understand what's making you feel this way and why. You'd be amazed how quickly it can happen!

billy1966 · 19/07/2022 22:46

Gymnopedie · 19/07/2022 22:03

DP feels that I’m making him choose between me and his family but refusing to engage with them/have contact with them.

This is the truth.

By all means get couples therapy to see if he can be helped.

But if his sole goal in life is to please parents that are dismissive of him, you are on a road to nowhere.

Don't for a second think things can't get a lot worse.

They really can.

Marry him and he has rights and he will be manipulated by his mother.

Get out now, don't put him on the cert and give the baby your name and you have some chance of getting away from these people.

Have you family support yourself?

JustHarriet · 19/07/2022 23:13

OP, it is a fact of life that once people choose to get married, have children or commit to their partner they do need to make a choice to prioritize their new family unit over their old one. Many men struggle with this and of course domineering mothers will work hard to keep their sons loyal to them and have had the advantage of brainwashing them for years! Since in your case the dynamic is so entrenched you need leverage. The best leverage you could have is being willing to walk away from your fiance if he doesn't show his commitment to you, this would consist of 3-6 months of consistent behaviour that shows he sees his mother's actions for what they are. Don't marry him until you've seem his behaviour change for this length of time. Marrying someone who isn't loyal will wreck your mental health. You'll be much a better parent on your own and away from this circus, with boundaries for yourself. So sorry you are going through this but also full respect that you have identified how problematic this situation is and are seeking help. Rally your friends and family. When you are young, optimism and lack of life experience might make you think you will be able to survive in a marriage like this, but don't underestimate the impact the dysfunctional family dynamic, by which I mean your husband being disloyal to you, will have on your mental health.

LoneParent1 · 21/07/2022 06:51

Puglover287 · 19/07/2022 20:07

Tbh, given you wouldn't even attend the external birthday dinner and are marrying in a month, do you not see the hypocrisy that you'll then be celebrating a wedding with them but couldn't manage for your supposed darling fiance?

Youre pregnant, so got what you wanted, you don't want to be involved with his family and don't want to put his wishes above your needs. You have issues with how he has responded etc. This is a marriage on the rocks before the wedding day.

You're young. Trying to turn this into a fairytale relationship. It isn't one. And maybe in a further relationship you too will be more mature and able to make decisions for the best of your relationship and not solely your own convictions.

However, you'll always be tied to him and them with the baby... And you may live to regret being further on the outside for this, as they may have far more influence than you'd like and not be able to mitigate this... Sometimes playing the long game is preferable...

ScreamingInfidelities · 21/07/2022 06:58

It would be a very big mistake to marry a man who sides with his mother when she is cruel to you.

Sexdoesmatter · 21/07/2022 07:00

If you are getting married, shouldn't your relationship be at its best? Mutually supportive, similar goals, fun? Instead you have had a problem for the entirety of your relationship which you know will continue and probably when the baby comes, get worse. Your DP needs to be a proper adult, but he acts like a frightened child and is happy for you to make all the sacrifices so that he doesn't have to face reality or stand up to his family.

billy1966 · 21/07/2022 08:59

Make sure you realise that once you marry him you are giving him and his family more leverage.

Same with baby and its name.

They could try and stop you moving away with the baby.

I hope your youth will not mean that you hope things will fix themselves.

They won't.
They will get a lot worse if you marry him.

Move out now, no name on anything so that you retain control of your life.

You have a great future ahead of you if you are brave enough not to sleep walk into a marriage that will bring you nothing but stress and misery, as he stands by his mother.

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