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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to do joint presents with ex

31 replies

Ntsure · 19/07/2022 17:34

Me and kids dad broke up over 5 year ago.
he always assumes birthday/Christmas gifts for the children are going to be a joint effort but I think that's quite odd?
by joint effort I mean it's me planning what to get and buying them and then him asking what "we've" got them and giving me half the money.
I just want to be able to do my own thing regarding their gifts and I've tried saying before but he gets annoyed and says I'm being difficult.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 19/07/2022 17:35

Just tell him to fuck off, I’m done with people.

whatstheteamarie · 19/07/2022 17:36

You're not his wife, so there's no way you should be doing wife-work for him.

Tell him now that going forward you'll be doing separate gifts, so it doesn't come as a surprise to him at Xmas.

Ontomatopea · 19/07/2022 17:46

It's normal to do them separately. He's using you and can't even be arsed to think of a gift for his child. Lazy arse.

Merryclaire · 19/07/2022 18:04

Just don’t fall down the trap my friend did of giving her kids presents ‘from Santa’, while her ex gave them gifts from himself.

The kids were most upset that their own mother hadn’t gotten them anything when dear daddy had!

Annoyedwithmyself · 19/07/2022 18:10

Definitely NBU he's lazy. Just let him know, with plenty of notice, that you'll be doing presents yourself from now on so he will have to buy his own. If he moans, say 'we are separated, Keith. Whyever would I continue to buy and plan presents on both of our behalf?'.

sleepymum50 · 19/07/2022 18:16

Or say great idea, we’ll take turns. I did it last year, so it’s your turn this year.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/07/2022 18:17

I don't think you are being unreasonable. And you can shut the conversation down on this pretty easily.
"No Paul, we're not doing joint presents." Don't even justify it or try to explain.

HangOnToYourself · 19/07/2022 18:19

What a lazy prick. I'd.start overcharging him personally.

stillherenow · 19/07/2022 18:20

Mine tried this and I quickly shut it down!

Shinyandnew1 · 19/07/2022 18:21

I’m amazed you’ve agreed to it for this long!

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2022 18:27

"Since I do all the work they're not really joint presents. Let's do them separately this year'.

Done.

toomuchlaundry · 19/07/2022 18:30

The only time I think this might be a good idea if the present is something expensive eg new laptop. But I would expect equal work involved in the present buying.

lunar1 · 19/07/2022 18:30

Tell him you bought them all a Mac, new bike, phone, ps5 and some incredibly expensive, hard to find collectibles. Ask for half of that lot.

Or just tell him to fuck off.

ImAvingOops · 19/07/2022 18:33

I think it's okay to go halves if it's a really expensive present but generally Yanbu. The upside to divorce is not having to do all the thinking for him!
Although I'd be tempted to overcharge him and let him pay a premium for his lack of involvement - you are doing the thinking for your own gifts anyway so might as well off load the cost.

Musicalmistress · 19/07/2022 18:41

We've been split for years & DD is now late teens. We split for big gifts eg new laptop but other than that they get separate gifts although he has previously asked for ideas - DD now creates a short list for him with links to examples of the stuff she likes. ExH has new partner so I'm sure she's been landed with the job of sorting it all these days 😜

AndSoFinally · 19/07/2022 19:12

Ha! Tell him you've bought them a trip to Disney Land and get him to pay for half your holiday 😁

myuterusistryingtokillme · 19/07/2022 19:36

I've tried saying before but he gets annoyed and says I'm being difficult.

If he carries on insisting on joint gifts, suggest that you will give him the money and he should tell you what he has bought as he has several years to make up for and you are not his PA

Ontomatopea · 19/07/2022 19:40

And so what if he gets annoyed and says you're being difficult. Hold your ground. He is an adult and perfectly capable.

cindylouwhosplaits · 19/07/2022 19:50

We did this for the first couple of years and it worked ok to start with, then he started expecting me to do it and provided no input/had to be constantly chased to transfer the money so I had enough & stopped it.

Now he literally gives them a bit of cash as he can't be arsed to even get a token gift & wrap it up. I always make sure they're at my house on the evening before their birthday so they get the gifts, balloons and a special breakfast, then they go to him later in the day.

worriedatthistime · 19/07/2022 19:55

Say no unless maybe kids one year want something thats more pricey and makes sense to split cost

CharlotteOH · 19/07/2022 20:02

Ontomatopea · 19/07/2022 17:46

It's normal to do them separately. He's using you and can't even be arsed to think of a gift for his child. Lazy arse.

This. Tell him that you aren’t a couple, that no other divorced couples do joint presents and if he can’t be bothered to choose something for his children he can just send them money but you won’t be doing this for him anymore.

Goldbar · 19/07/2022 20:08

Tell him you now charge an admin fee of £50 per child.

Triffid1 · 19/07/2022 20:15

Well, be difficult then. He's being a lazy plonker.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 19/07/2022 20:17

You’re being difficult? 😂 Tell him if he wants difficult, you can show him difficult, but this isn’t it.

CheshireChat · 19/07/2022 20:41

Aargh, my ex wanted to do this and was most put out when I said no. He also wanted to veto any slightly larger purchase for DS regardless for who's house.

And he wanted to decide what I should spend maintenance on.