AIBU to miss these things from my previous marriage?

[HighDudgeonAtBerks]

My ex-husband was an inconsiderate arse. He specialised in not talking to me for weeks on end, convincing me I was born to be unhappy, and occasional bouts of terrifying rage.

I am happily remarried but every once in a while I find myself wistfully recalling a piece of furniture or some other possession that I gave up when I finally ran away into the night.

This morning it was a bedside cabinet that I found in a funny little shop in Pearly. It was a beaten up solid-oak thing, with so many marks of wear, and it was such a nice hunk of wood. I really miss that cabinet.

Sometimes I forget and I wonder what happened to something that was mine. Then I remember and feel a tiny sense of loss, followed quickly by the thundering feet of utter relief that I left. It was worth the price of my carefully chosen treasures - things I spent little on, because I had little, but that I loved.

It was all just stuff and I now live a life of calm contentment - bordering on smug - but am I being unreasonable to really wish I’d got the coffee table and that cabinet too?

Does anyone else have insignificant regrets that you can’t really share because they’re so small compared to the gains?

Maybe to combat it, every item you think of that you miss try to replace with something better/more unusual/more sentimental

Yeah, I have that too.

I really miss the velvet curtains I had which my parents bought in the 60’s. They’d probably be threadbare, but they were really big and lined and fully shut out the outside.

there’s a few other things too - just random, but generally connected to my family. But I only had a few hours to pack and leave and my car wasn’t very big.

but I still have loads of other stuff, so……..

I understand that feeling OP. Many small things make up your life, and you say goodbye to a lot of them when you have to leave a relationship in that way.

I left my abusive ex about 12 years ago now, but I still think of his dog (who will sadly have passed away by now). Not quite the same thing I know.

That relationship was the worst time in my life, but that dog was special. I still think of the dog sometimes, even now.

I get this a lot. When my ex chucked us out I never got to go back in to pack. He had an affair with a close friend of mine and she cherry picked her way through my possessions. I often think of gifts that I have lost. My youngest DP was very badly affected as he threw most of her toys away she was 9 at the time. It's not done her any favours regarding her mental health. I had boxes of smashed up stuff returned to me eventually. The one thing that I can't replace is all the baby photos. I am happier now and I have a policy of replacing things if I remember that I didn't get them back.

It's photographs for me, I have none from their childhoods.

I even miss books, or clothes that I threw out or gave to charity.

I still think of a blue paisley grandad t shirt I bought in Chelsea Girl (that’s how long ago it was) when I was 16. God I loved that t shirt!

I’m going to be getting divorced soon, so I’ll bear this in mind re our division of the spoils.

I’ve always been a bit jealous of rich people who live in really big homes. They can just store all their clutter in their vast attics. One hundred years later it’s either back in fashion, or it’s worth a bomb for being antique and/or an heirloom.

It may not actually be the items themselves but more an annoyance/anger that you had no ‘choice’ in the matter, you had to leave them etc…

aww that is sad :(

Yes, Maddie, you might be on to something there. It’s that the things weren’t given up by choice, and also that they wouldn’t have the same significance to him. To him they’re just things, to me they were carefully chosen and signified something bigger.

photographs were another thing I thought were gone forever, but our children are now grown up and have a superficial relationship with him still. One of them - bless her heart - asked him if she could have copies of all the photos he had of their childhood to show her partner - he’d just left them all in a cupboard. He agreed as long as she did all the work of getting them copied.

Then she gave them to me for my birthday. What a gift that was!

Much love to everyone who had to leave things behind. But thank fuck we did!

I've never allowed myself to give a seconds thought to anything which went in the split. It took me years to finally [sic] make the move and I'm much, much happier now.

It's the memories I miss, we met at uni and were together for ten years, during which we had lots of wow moments, all entirely outside ourselves.

No one I am now in touch with was around in those days, or if they were I wasn't close do have no one to say 'do you remember when' to. In the scheme of things a very small point. If I'd ditched him earlier I'd have a better chance of being in touch with people from those years.

@HighDudgeonAtBerks what a lovely thing for your daughter to do. Glad you got the photos.
My family members moved out of a huge old family home filled with sentimental keep sakes and antiques that had been lovingly looked after. None of it was worth much money, charity shops didn't want it and the all the careful storage turned out to be a waste of time and space and energy.
Nevertheless I hope you allow yourself to miss those things that were meaningful to you. But mainly be glad you are safe and happy.