i’ve never written here before but I just felt I needed to get this off of my chest as it’s really stressed me out.
so I have a stepson who is 18, a stepdaughter who is 15, and me and my partner have a daughter who is 3. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years now. My stepson also is diagnosed as autistic.
recently, over the past year or so my relationship with my stepson has become difficult, and I’m needing some help/tips. My partner and I became concerned for his future, as he doesn’t know how to do most things for himself, he needs reminding to shower, he doesn’t know how to do laundry or how to cook anything for himself. So we’ve started to teach him to do these things, trying to take it at his pace. He now knows how to do his own laundry, and can make himself basic meals (tinned spaghetti, pizza in the oven etc)
when he stays with us, I will always try to make foods he wants, but when I ask him he just shrugs. I make dinner for all of us and he is always given the option of eating with us, or I will make something else. The only time he will have to make his own food is if I’ve cooked something I know he will eat but he says he doesn’t want it.
recently he’s been refusing to come to stay with us, and one of the reasons is because he doesn’t like having to do things for himself here. He’s also said to his mum that he doesn’t like his bedroom, but hasn’t told us that, or done anything to change it for himself. He’s also been moaning about a recent meal I made for the family saying it was disgusting and we made him eat it. I asked him before if he would like to eat this or if I could make him something else, and he said he wanted it. During the same meal he said he liked it. And now we find out he’s telling his mum that he hates it here because I won’t make him food he likes and he’s forced to eat gross food. Another reason we’ve tried to encourage him to do things for himself is because he’s made various comments about being dependent on people is like having slaves and that he doesn’t want to come here because we don’t like him, because he has to help out around the house. If he hadn’t made these comments and was at least a tiny bit appreciative of the efforts we go to, I guess I could cope with it a bit better, but I am not going to be a slave to an 18 year old.
my stepdaughter has said the reason he won’t come is because he’s lazy. I just wish there was a way he could see that we’re trying to help him in the long run. Because of his autism I get that things take a little bit longer for him to grasp, which is why we try to go at his pace. But it’s so difficult when I feel like I’m putting so much effort it and it’s all being thrown back in my face.
his mum has said that I don’t understand his Austin’s and that people who are autistic might not ever get jobs or do anything. I do understand his autism (I work with people with learning disabilities and autism) but I don’t believe in using it as an excuse for treating people as though they are his slaves. I also don’t believe in using it as a reason for him to achieve what he wants to, but at the moment it feels like he thinks he’s entitled to treat people badly because of it and I’m really struggling.
it’s getting to the point where I want to tell my partner that unless he isn’t at work (he works weekends when my stepson would be here) and is at home, I don’t want my stepson here. I know I signed up to being part of a blended family, but I honestly didn’t think I would sign up to being a slave for an 18 year old who can do things for himself, he just chooses not to. I also don’t want to be the reason that he doesn’t want to come here anymore, and ruin the relationship between my partner and his son.
AIBU? Any advice is also more than welcome. I feel like family therapy would be good but we can’t afford to go private for this.