Had enough of the in-laws "I feel guilty" BS

[Buuhuuh]

Been hearing this over the years (different in-laws, not just one person) and just heard it again recently and it annoys me more each time.

Few examples (not in chronological order):

"I feel guilty we can't stay the night because it would be complicated as you don't live in a house." (even though we had an extra bedroom all ready to be used, this was back when we were renting a flat)

"I feel guilty I'm pregnant and you're not." (when we were struggling to conceive for several years)

"I feel guilty you're going through such a hard time." (when one of my parents was terminally ill)

"I feel guilty we won't get to see you as much. (when coming to visit once in a blue moon and only deciding to stay for a short time before heading off to spend considerably longer with another family member 20 min away).

It's just the whole "I feel guilty..." crap like it would somehow make everything ok even though some of these could have been easily rectified (if they indeed DID feel guilty).

Maybe IABU letting it get to me but would have preferred if nothing was said to begin with.

Tell them to save it for confession 🙄

Its not your job to manage their feelings

Is the intention to be nice?

I don't think they mean anything bad by it, we all get along well etc. but it just feels like such an odd thing to say to someone.

When I was struggling it just made me feel worse. Other times they could have easily changed their plans etc. What is telling us they feel guilty meant to accomplish exactly?

Or am I missing something?

What is telling us they feel guilty meant to accomplish exactly?

They are signalling that they are fulfilling their social and family obligations to you with the absolute minimum of inconvenient to themselves.

Simples.

What @FinallyHere said. I get the same sort of thing. And the “at least x, y and z”.

Sounds like they just want to heap pity on you so they can make themselves feel good. Avoid people like this as much as you can- poison!

It makes it about them. Instead of having an opening to talk, eg, about the pain of infertility, you are socially obliged to reassure <them>.

Except you’re not.

Next time just play faux naive: “why would you feel guilty about that? I don’t understand?”

Ugh fucking annoying. Especially when you are feeling bad about something and they lay that on you. Like you are supposed to then make them feel better instead. They are just dumping the guilt on you.

My MIL does this too. I find it really tiresome and self-pitying. It's framed as being about you but really it's keeping the focus on them. I just give grey rock responses now - 'right', 'ok', 'mm-hmm'. That sort of thing. Don't feed the behaviour with any attention

Thanks everyone, all good points and sound advice.

Will definitely help going forward. 🙂