To feel a bit nervous about seeing a chaplain?

[wouldithelpme]

Two losses in two weeks, one very sudden and traumatic that’s completely knocked me off my feet, one much much more complex - I’ve spent the last four days just sitting staring into space unable to even do the simplest of tasks.

I’ve been offered the services of a chaplain through my university, I agreed for my details to be shared and got a lovely email back . She seems exceptionally kind, we chatted for an hour last week on the phone and she couldn’t be more lovely . Very gentle person, very ‘down to earth’ ie she said something along the lines of ‘sometimes we just need to be held’ which resonated with me .

I’ve agreed to meet her face to face this week.

She said she’s not there to push religion and God doesn’t even have to come in to it . I was brought up very religious (devout Catholic family) but walked away after I realised I was gay, and felt I was telling the church a lie and I wouldn’t be welcomed being myself .

The chaplain said she’s non denominational and just wants to help; and I do so desperately want her help .

AIBU to feel a bit nervous? Feels daft but I’m scared of speaking to another person; my only thoughts at the moment are that the two people I was closest to in the world are gone and I’m absolutely terrified of letting anyone else in now iyswim .

Totally understandable to feel nervous, frankly to speak to anyone at all about your losses. I honestly think that sometimes it's best to speak to someone who you wouldn't usually speak to, as they can help with a different perspective. Of course, they can also just offer a kind and caring ear and a Chaplain should definitely be able to offer that. Just be yourself and speak honestly. Sending hugs. xxx

The chaplain sounds like a wonderful person from your description and I think you should screw up your courage and meet with her. Hopefully it will help you just to have someone sit by you, all her attention on you, ready to listen - even if you don't feel like speaking much.

(I'm gay and atheist too and a non-denominational University chaplain got me through my parents' divorce and some horrendous fallout at a vulnerable time.)

to you.

when I was at university I found the chaplains very helpful - I came from a non religious background, and had had a very bad experience with therapists when I was 13. The chaplains were kind, generous, and really helped me feel like I had control for the first time. Religion never came into it at all.

soi hope you have the same experience. More than anything though I wish you strength to get through your experiences, having been through a couple of traumatic events I know how they can absolutely knock you off your feet. Having someone outside that experience to talk to can really help. 💐💐💐

I’m so sorry for your losses, it’s an awful lot to deal with.
Grief goes in stages and it can be a rollercoaster. Today you might not want to talk, tomorrow you might not want to stop.
The Chaplain sounds like she’s experienced so she will understand if you don’t want to talk, or you’d rather talk about other things —- she’ll be led by you.
You could also be suffering from shock, do not underestimate the effects of shock. Talking to someone might enable that person to see if you are and offer suggestions for help.
I am sure she will be led by you and will understand if you just want to sit.
Look after yourself. 💐

Hey. Sending you lots of love. I think it’s normal to feel a bit nervous of opening up to anyone, never mind someone who may have religious persuasions. There are way more non judgemental ministers now than there used to be- and I suspect if they work at a university they will be particularly open minded. I had a similar upbringing to you, so I’ve really struggled with organised religion. I actually find talking to people with minimal or no religious background very hard as they really have no idea what I’m talking about - they haven’t had the concept of sin and guilt rammed into them, so don’t get the fallout from breaking the mould. I really hope you get the support you need x

A cousin of mine is a chaplain. She predominantly works in prisons, but also does some work in hospitals. She’s an amazing listener and very kind; my understanding is that they’re the essential qualities necessary for the job. I know that she would never try and push religion at anyone, that’s not what it’s about. Don’t feel nervous, your chaplain (like my cousin) is there to listen and hold your hand at this time. I hope that it helps. Thinking of you.

Thank you, I’ll give it a go . She was very lovely on the phone, she said we can just sit with a cup of tea and a biscuit if I want, or we can talk, she said no pressure - she’s even offered to call me in the evenings once Uni is closed down for the night as said aware that time might be the hardest .

Shock, yes - most recent loss was on Tuesday, l spent all day Thursday with a very wonderful friend; just sat in her car looking out at the sea talking for hours, but since getting home I’ve just sat alone totally and very unsure what to do . When I think about the fact that this is for the rest of my life I start shaking .

I’ve got piles of washing and rubbish to deal with, dishes to do, but can’t seem to make myself move from where I am sitting on my bed . It’s hell .

It was hard enough with the first more complex situation but throw in the second one and it’s like I’m alive but not living any more .

Yes that’s very true re if you’ve never been to church, that it’s difficult to explain the hold that can have over you .

Part of me desperately wants to cling on to it, in terms of people going to heaven and there being a reason for all this happening - I so so hope that people go somewhere where they can recognise each other, but then there’s all that stuff with sin too … the relative that died was a great believer and I so hope for her sake that it’s worked out as she had hoped .

Just an update; I went to see the chaplain and she could not have been kinder; she was such a genuine, warm, welcoming woman . The university have vastly underused the chaplaincy space - when I first started my undergrad it was all but empty - so it’s really lovely to see some life brought into it .

She was just such a genuinely lovely person, I could have sat and talked to her for hours (and did, I was in there a good 90 minutes) . Got a wonderful big hug too which makes all the difference .

She did say there is access to religious services and a small chapel of sorts (basically a room with a few religious pictures) should I wish to use it, but said no pressure - simply a safe space for relaxing and friendship . Our understanding of religion sits quite similarly (ie I said I see God more in the world than I ever have in a church !) and she agreed - said funnily enough church isn’t her favourite place to be either !

Hi OP. I’m so glad it was a beneficial meeting. You didn’t mention if you are seeing her again, but at least you have reached out and have a person in hand to help if you need it. Well done you x

I will be 😊, she’s going to ring me the day before funeral and the Monday after too . It was a bit of a funny day yesterday of people being really very helpful and kind .