Sister and her letter

[MyMonkiesHerCircus]

More a WWYD but here for the traffic.
My sister split from her husband and has remained in what was their house. It took some time to get things done as COVID made getting appointments difficult and there was more red tape than they expected. Her ex has left but still has a car in the garage and lots of boxes and some smaller furniture items in a spare room.

They are on speaking terms, just drifted apart. No affairs I don't think and no children so no custody issues. They work in the same industry so will occasionally still see each other through work.

She doesn't mind the situation as her ex moved to a flat so needs time to arrange storage. She doesn't need the space, her spare room could still be used for guests as it is and she doesn't have a car so doesn't need the garage. The problem is our mum, she is livid. She has told my DS she is being made a fool of and being used.

Things escalated and mum text her saying if she doesn't let her (my mum) come round and sort the things out for her then our family is finished! It is so dramatic, I couldn't believe what I read when my DS showed me. She messaged her to list all the ways she has helped her over the years but they are just basic, what decent parents should do if able type things. She said she was sad at being sidelined and not being allowed to help. She then wrote there will be no more family get togethers if this isn't sorted!

But we don't know what she actually wants to do. Mum can't physically move the boxes, she has no way to contact the ex. She wouldn't know how to arrange storage or anything like that... It just seems she is mad at not being in control and wants to be nosey in DS house.

My first instinct would be to call her bluff, tell our mum to sod off and be done with it. But DS is worried it will affect me and our DBs, in laws and neices/nephews. Our parents are old and I worry we may not have long with them any way. We don't think our Dad knows about any of it.

It sounds so silly writing it down but the words were honestly just poison. My poor DS was so upset and doesn't know what to do. It's like mum is looking for a fight when she should be happy everyone is being grown up about the situation.

Sorry this is so long, trying not to drip feed but I'm sure I will have missed something.

Have your DS tell her it's all been collected. What's your mum going to know about it anyway? If I was her, I might want all the boxes in the garage, but whatever - her choice.

You might want to keep an eye out for your mum behaving erratically in other circumstances. It is quite weird if this is genuinely unusual.

If this is out of character for your mum then I would consider asking her or your DF about seeing a doctor.

It seems very extreme behaviour when clearly your DS and her ex are totally fine about the situation.

What a strange overreaction!!

I’d put the boxes in the garage and tell her it’s sorted and I didn’t want to talk about it again, but really it’s nothing to do with her, how bizarre.

Yep, I'd be querying the very very first grains of dementia creeping in. I've had to learn this in my job....dementia frequently manifests as anger in its early days. Its how frustration and being scared comes out. Maybe you and your Sister reassuring her about your sisters planned future might help?

What> I am not sure I get it? Your mum is upset that your DS' ex's stuff is still at DS' house and is threatening to break up the family if that doesn't change? Is that the jist of it?

If so I would be really worried about her sanity.

I would also be questioning your mums mental health if this is not her normal behaviour. It seems a very bizarre reaction to something that doesn't really cause your mum any inconvenience

This sounds very like something my grandmother did to my aunt during her divorce. My gran has bipolar and schizophrenia (both well controlled) but is also just a controlling old bint. In your sisters shoes I would claim it’s been sorted… as others have said, how will she know?

If this is out of character I would suggest testing for a urine/bladder infection in the first instance. They really can make older people behave in strange/difficult ways.

My mother overreacted bizarrely at me when I broke up fairly amicably with my then boyfriend. It was very confusing at the time, but I later came to the conclusion that she was upset for me and didn't know how to express her feelings, so it came out in the form of being cross at me for not needing her enough. I don't quite know how to describe it but there was definitely something under the behaviour which she wasn't telling me.

My best guess is that your mum is upset that your sister is hurting, but is showing it in a very OTT 'I WILL FIX IT' way which doesn't sound very logical. Again, my own mother was similar. I sympathise with your sister as it was hard to stomach and didn't help my own sadness at all 😥

She might also be angry, weirdly, because she thought your sister was all sorted out with this nice partner. Now she's not, and that makes your mother worry for her, and it all comes out as 'I'm scared for you and will show this by shouting'. Super fun for your poor dsis.

Yes, @Icanstillrecallourlastsummer that's it pretty much. Madness.

It's a massive over reaction but it also doesn't feel so out of character for her in a way to make us assume she is ill. She has always been very controlling and this seems to have sprung from DS telling her no on something. She normally just does as she is told sadly.

I think pp are right we can't rule out dementia but we looked back at some childhood events earlier while talking and DS and I can both think of similar things from early on in life. She would give us kids the silent treatment if we were friends with someone she didn't think was good enough. Or how she cried and didn't speak to DB for a week after he came back from his first holiday with friends, convinced he had been bullied into it and had paid more than the others (not true at all.)

For everyone saying to tell her it's already done, my DS won't lie to her. She is too scared it will get found out. Which I understand.

It sounds like you're all so used to being bullied by her that even though you recognise this as batshit behaviour you're not prepared to call it out.

Can your sister not tell DM that her ex is paying her to store it there? I don't see how your Mum could catch her out in that lie, short of demanding to see her bank statements and at that point I'm afraid things have gone so far you'd have to stand up to her.

She only does it because you all put up with it.

She said she was sad at being sidelined and not being allowed to help.

So essentially she wants to make her Daughters marriage break up all about her ?

What you DS has done is pertty normal and usual, if the split is amicable then no reason not to ok with looking after the stuff for a bit. I think I'd first take the approach of sitting down with your mum and trying to talk to her calmly and rationally. If she goes off on an angry rant then walk away. Alternatively, if you want to go down the route of keeping the peace could you (or DS) ask the ex to just put it in storage for a bit?

She's assuming that she has control of the entire family and can deliver on her threat. She can't. So the rest of you can gently tell her. If you stick together, the only person who would be outside the family would be her. On her own. Her choice.

If this is not out of character, then what is wrong with saying that your DSis is an adult, and is more than capable of sorting out her own life. She does not need Mummy to do it for her, thanks very much for the offer.
If that 'breaks up the family' so be it.....but I highly doubt that would happen. Carry on meeting your DSis and DBro and DDad, Mum will come if she wants to. And frankly, it sounds like she needs putting back in her box.

I voted YABU because this is basically your mum rambling on about something that’s got nothing to do with her. I have a similar relative so I REALLY REALLY sympathise. I now live my life on a ‘need to know’ basis which is a shame for her but she’s brought it on herself 🤷‍♀️. I have zero sympathy with my relative tbh.

It’s got nothing to do with your mother what storage arrangements your sister has or doesn’t have with anyone, and also which relatives you do or don’t see.

Sounds as if your mum has an illness brewing that is changing her mind. Stick with sister, try to get mum to remove her oar from the situation. It will blow over.